premonitions, common sense and gut feelings at nautilus teachings

premonition
premonition

Common sense
Premonition
Gut instinct
I have built my life upon these
Common sense
Led me as a child to the closet under the steps

because I knew my brothers were not allowed in my parents room-
It would be safe
Premonition
I could feel the air being taken from my lungs
The minute one of them entered the house
I would still my body, slow my breathing,
The hair on my body stood straight up as I waited…
Gut instinct
My gut told me what they were doing was wrong
My gut told me if I complained and wined it could get worse
My gut told me to tattle on the little things
My gut told me revealing all could mean the unthinkable
Common sense
Mom praying in the dark meant their was trouble
Mom crying when I got home meant my brother was arrested
Police at my front door meant he was at it again
Premonition
Door closed, yelling, someone was going to leave-and did
Walk in happy, chair flies through the air, I better run-i stay
and hear and see my brother verbally abuse my father
This is wrong, don’t do it, he’s not the one, it won’t work-I said “I do,” knowing full well it would end
Gut instinct
Laughing, sneaking, in the dark-they were up to something
Searching, I find illegal plants in the crawl space growing
Cigarette smell, cross breeze, someone is smoking who is not supposed to be
So I stole her cigarettes because I wanted her to live
Knowing full well I would be found out and punished
Common sense
Told me my mother was dying
I was in the room when the doctor told her she had 6 months to live and to get her affairs in order
Common sense told me my father was lying each time he said, “your mother is not going to die…”
It told me my brother was scared when he moved across the country less than a year after our mother was diagnosed with leukemia
Premonition
Woke me from my sleep a month before my mother died
It told me wake up, she’s dying and you need to talk to her
Premonition told me my life was going to change in so many ways
That I needed to be prepared
Gut instinct
Saw my mother not recovering from blood transfusions as fast
Knew the color of her skin was becoming pale grey
Saw she is sleeping too much, don’t listen to your father

IMG_5066

In all of these feelings
Where do anger, regret and fear come in
I have known since I was small that I walked in grace
Touched by the hand of God when I “swallowed my tongue” and nearly died at the age of 5
I knew my whole life I was protected and safe internally
I was given this place
These whimsical images to make me smile
Laugh and see life in a different way
But through all my common sense, premonitions and gut instincts
I was scared
Angry and fearful
I had so many regrets that I doubted all of my natural indicators in life,
Do I believe in them?
Yes
Have they spoken to me and changed my life at times?
Yes
But I had to find the balance between feelings and knowledge
I could not be a fly by the seat of her pants kind of girl
It is like a teeter totter
My life
This
Wiggly balance
Of
Should I or shouldn’t I
When
The
Bad girl in me says
“Just do it!”
While the good girls
Starts pounding out
“What ifs…”

Read More premonitions, common sense and gut feelings at nautilus teachings

overcoming the past at nautilus teachings.

i will not back down
i stand strong  in my truths

“I’M NOT READY TO MAKE NICE
I’M NOT READY TO BACK DOWN
I’M STILL MAD AS HELL
AND I DON’T HAVE TIME
TO GO ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND…”
(Dixie Chicks)

I left my guns at the door-
Wait,
was I ever given guns in the first place?
I was given hands that held me to the floor
Lips that spilled out vulgarity over and over
Knees shoved in my chest and held down
Til I peed my pants
Guns?
Guns?
“CAN’T YOU JUST GET OVER IT?
IT TURNED MY WHOLE WORLD AROUND….”
I came out with a target painted on my head!
Hit me
Abuse me
Push me down the steps
Spit on me
Call me those
Glorious words
I love to hear so so much
Cunt,
Bitch,
Slut,
Whore
Where were my guns?

“THEY SAY TIME HEALS EVERYTHING
BUT I’M STILL WAITING…”
I had cute little angle wings
And mermaid finns
I had crayons in every hue
I had red radio flyer tennies
And pretty dresses
And lacy panties
I had warm chocolate chip cookies
And fudge brownies
And Mr. Bubble bubble baths
I had lily of the valley to cradle me
I had trees to hide behind
I had closets to hide in
I had feet to run fast with
I had a park to get lost in
I had covers to hide under
I had a mom who loved me

i still miss you mom
i still miss you mom

“FORGIVE SOUNDS GOOD,
FORGET I DON’T THINK I COULD..”
Because she
Sheltered me-
And although she had a blue suitcase packed at the door
To runaway at any given moment
She never had guns
Nor words
I
Have been
Screaming
My entire life
“Let me out
Look at me
Give me a chance
I am alive…”
I found my weapon
FAITH
I blew my world apart
I closed all the doors
I melted all the keys
I cocked my gun
Pointed it towards my memories
And in an instant watched them
Flame up, turn to ashes
And blow away
In the wind…
It was
“JUST ANOTHER DAY
OF EVERYBODY LOOKING
I SWORE THEY’D NEVER SEE ME CRY…”
Blank canvases
Empty pages
New palettes
Were being hurled at me
At a speed I could not believe
Covered head to toe in paint splatters
Paper flying from my printer
I was morphing into Sheri
FINALLY!!!!
“ALL THE THINGS I CAN’T ERASE
FROM MY LIFE
EVERYBODY KNOWS…”
Panic attacks were less
I got through the day
Without fear
I ran every morning
And I cried
I learned to love me
I began to listen to my heart
to listen to GOD
I slept all night long
I laughed and played with my kids
I sang and danced while I cooked
I grew up

i did it-i can help you do it
i did it-i can help you do it

“I CAN CHANGE
LIKE COLORS ON THE WALL
HOPING NO ONE ELSE WILL FIND
WHAT LIES BENEATH IT ALL…”
And then
Backwards
I
Fell
Into
The
Abyss
Of
My
Life
Drowning
In
Filth
Shame
Low
Self
Esteem
I
Was
The
Black residue
Left
After
Everyone
Shot
Their
Guns…
“EVERY TIME I TURN AROUND
I RUN INTO MY SELF…”
12 years have passed
And I still see shadows
Of my life
In corners
Behind trees
Still hear
The words
Hurled at me
Still feel
The force
Of anger
Only now
My shield
Is strength
It is belief
it is FAITH
LEAVING MY GUN AT THE DOOR?

enough said!
enough said!

Not likely
Anymore
I keep it strapped
To my thigh
Along with my fancy
Good girl garter belt
Letting the world know
This chick
May look soft
To hold
But
If
You
MESS WITH HER
She will
Aim,
Shoot,
Blow the
Smoke
From
Her gun
And
As
You
Fall
To
The
Ground
Laugh
Out
Loud
And
Yell

“THAT’S THE WAY WE PLAY THIS GAME OF LIFE…”

Read More overcoming the past at nautilus teachings.

keys of love at nautilus teachings

keys of love
keys of love

She held the skeleton key
Within the palm of her
Tiny 5 year old hand
Her arms, pink from running
Her heart beating fast
Tears streaked her cheeks
The key
The key
Quickly she inserts
It into the lock
Click

She is still now
No breathing
Eyes tight upon the glass doorknob
No tears
Not a sound
Until
Bam, bam, bam
She hears their feet pounding fast
Across the wooden floor
She grabs teddy
Clack

The outside door opens
Her breathing picks up speed
Tears begin to flow
Hugging teddy close
She whispers
“God, please, please make me a fish
So I can swim far, far away…”
Her small frame trembles with fear
As she closes her eyes
And calls on wise old Mr. Hawksbill
Bang

The door hits the wall behind
She can smell them now
Their sweat
They are whispering
“you get her-no you get her…”
Click click click
Clack clack clack
She hears her moms shoes
“Get out and leave your sister alone…”
Slam

mom and me 1968
mom and me 1968

“sheri,
Sheri,
Dearheart
Come out here
You are safe…”
She is sobbing now
Her mother jiggles the knob
Sheri Lynn unlock this door
She doesn’t move
And then she hears it
Click

Her mom had another key
How many keys were there?
She must collect them fast
Before her mother knows…
“sheri,
Come here sweetheart…”
She comes from the darkness
Covered in fear
She falls into her mother’s arms
Bling

A tiny light goes on above her head
“sheri you cannot keep locking the door,
Now give me that key…”
She shakes her brown haired head no
And her eyes well up begging her mom
to let her keep just one key
“I’ll tell ya what, Sher,
I will put your key in my drawer for safety
That way you always know where it’s at, ok?”
She barely nods her head
Clank

The drawer closes roughly
Her mom leaves and she quickly gets the key back
She runs from room to room
Door to door
Collecting keys
8 in all
She leaves the 9th key in the door to the upstairs
Thinking no one will ever know
Her pockets full
She opens the closet door
Ding, ding, ding

teddy my love
teddy my love

The keys fall to the floor
And reflect the sadness in her eyes
She grabs teddy and says,
“Teddy, we must operate, I am so sorry.”
She opens up teddy’s tummy and takes out his squeaker
She ties the keys together with yarn
Inserts them inside his belly
Sews him up
Then falls asleep with him in her arms
In the cornered closet
Shhhhh

Years pass
Teddy always by her side
She feels safe
Then one day
She opens him up
And inside the keys are gone
“but, what? What is this?”
Inside was a clothespin
Clasping a piece of paper
On it
In her mother’s
Handwriting
It said,
“Sheri Lynn-
I have the keys in my jewelry box
They are yours when you are ready
To unlock the memories
to uncage them
Fly free
Swim far
And just so you know
I am glad God never answered your prayer
To make you a fish
Because you have turned into
A beautiful mermaid
I love you dearheart
Mom.”

missing mom
missing mom
Read More keys of love at nautilus teachings

the tapes at nautilus teachings

the tapes
the tapes

i pushed the
play button
on the
mini recorder
my voice
spills forth
the date
september 5th, 2006…
and
BAM!
his voice
is screaming
accusing
blaming
whining
complaining
and repeating
over and over
mine
mine
mine
i want
my stuff
my money
calling me
name after name
there is no mention
of his children
no apology
no tears
and then
i hear him whisper
to his crack whore girlfriend
something
i cannot decipher
and i know
from
my inner core
to the
tips of the hair
on my head
he can never hurt
me again

he does not define me
he does not define me

i play the messages-
there are 4-
over and over
i know he is altered
my memory
forces images
and i smell the
familiar stench
nothing is clean
nothing is safe
nothing is sacred
we
were
nothing
to him…
the words end
i play one more time
the first message
the one
that is the most ugly
when it stops
i eject the tape
i place it back
in its case
and
calmly breath in
the blessings
of my life…

self love
self love

5 hours later
my ears
still hurt
from the noise
so i calm
i still
and
i listen
a melodic pulse
reverberates across
my soul
and i hear
chanting
water falling
chimes
ringing gently
in a soft breeze
and then
the familiar
tug
the envelopment
of my entire being
with
God’s
grace
light
love
energy
acceptance
and forgiveness.
i am
buoyant.
the tethering
which once
bound me
to the bottom
is gone
replaced
by strength
courage
confidence
voice
self-worth
stillness
and
flight

my journey i share, teach...
my journey i share, teach…

i was standing
at the top of
my spiral staircase
who’s foundation
was
and will always
be
my
Faith…
memories-

some are hard lessons
some break us open
and some warm our hearts
making us smile
yet it is
through the storms
with Faith
as my shield
that i can
ride the tsunami
safely
into shore
without
even a
scratch
marveling at
what a wonderful
world
this is…

Read More the tapes at nautilus teachings

just be who you are at nautilus teachings

i must reveal myself
i must reveal myself

Dream expression
Blank canvas
Caps off tubes of paint
Clean brushes
Fresh water
As I sit here
The possibilities are infinite
No one to stop me
Slam me
Tell me I am misguided
A disappointment
uncultured
I can paint with my fingers
In long swooping movements
Knowing inside
Their is an artist
A woman
Wanting to place upon canvas
The wild abandon
The whimsical journeys
I imagine at night
Playing
When I walk in to my studio
I smile
I am filled with possibilities
Twice a month I host BYOB paint parties
On these nights I get to play like a child
With all the ladies who walk through my door
I get to guide them
In discovering their own colors
Their own stroke of expression
There is no right or wrong
Just “love that brush stroke”
“This is beautiful”
Affirmation extracts beauty
And to me
They are all stunning women
Who sustain my artistic essence
Empowering me with flexibility to dally….

IMG_4431
Bleeding truths
At first it was hand to paper
Then pecking at the typewriter
Now it is soft touches to the computer
Whether art journaling,
Written expressions
Stories
Prose
Poetry
Real
Imagined
I love “bleeding” my heart
It’s such a genuine absolution…
Not writing
Means ceasing to thrive
Famous writer or not
What matters the most here
Is I am straightforward
Genuine
As I disengage from
That which has held me
Prisoner for so long

Understanding trust
Girls girls girls
There is nothing like a true girlfriend
Yet I find them hard to find
And even harder to keep
I envy women who have this, I hear them saying about their besty,
“She knows
She listens
She understands
She cares
She will call you just to hear your voice
Make you see how stupid you are acting at times
Laugh at you when you fall
Hold your hand when you just NEED
She knows your secrets”
Bring on Sex in the City!
I have had this for short increments
In my life
Still knowing
If I were to see any of them again
We would immediately fall into uniformity
Within her
You place
Your trust-
Her words
Her guidance
Her friendship
Is sacred

amen!
amen!

Silly belly giggling love
From conception
To birth
To separation as an adult
I love my children to the core
When they are sick
Being naughty
Making me proud
Or just hugging me
I yearn for this true and honest love
Only shared between mother and child
To be able to live my entire life
Knowing I have no boundaries with them
I can be honest and true
Fills me with such admiration
Their is no more authentic bond than this
I carry with me in my second half of life
All the pizza nights, movie adventures, vacations and celebrations
We shared together
With them
I am just
“Mom”
“oh Mom”
“really Mom”
“I love you Mom”
Me, myself and i
I hold no covered mysteries
I know my lapses
My mosaic weaknesses
My desire
My tenderness
I know what nurtures me
I know what scars
I know how sacred silence is
How imprisoning noise is
The intimate need to be isolated
This unquenchable yearning
To step in the impression
Of artisans before me

IMG_4520
No control
No insistence to conform to domination
I have grasped the value
To center myself-
To create within a sphere,
A central continuance
To illuminate my soul…
Sit soundlessly in shadows
Welcoming the converging of thought,
Thirst,
And anticipating
Living split-
unbarred
Splattering my being with
Highlights of speculative
Overwhelming reassurance
Revealing
That which is hidden
Will only make this journey,
The expanse around me,
The people beside me,
More
Receptive to
Dreaming
On the outside

Read More just be who you are at nautilus teachings

i am good at nautilus teachings

acceptance of self
acceptance of self

sometimes
I struggle
To accept
That I am good
I want to rid my life
Of all the corners
I hide in
I want to heal the wounds
With super glue
So I never have to feel the pain
I want to plant gardens
Of beautiful lilac bushes,
Lily of the valley flowers
And soft yellow daffodils
So I wake to a fragrance
That washes away the stench
Of the filth I floated in for so long
I want to learn to play the piano
So I can sing myself home
Anytime I just cannot seem
to paint my way out…
I want to fill my world
With the knowledge
That I am good

begin to heal foundation up
begin to heal foundation up

A week of reflection
Has reinforced in me
The fact that
I have not yet healed
I have been walking blindfolded
Deaf to my own words
My own preaching
Of inner peace
And my lack of ability
To breathe through anxiety
I carry with me
The stains of my youth
The mistakes of my adulthood
And the regrets of my life so far
I can easily express hurt
In my photography
In my writing
I allow pain to wash over me
And carry me down the streams
Of what I cannot undo
Outwardly I smile,
I love,
I give
I
Share…
Vibrant colors surround me
They fill up the empty canvases
With childish images of my immature self
Do I really want to grow up?
Do I really wish to heal?
Or do I feed upon my memories
And cherish them because they fuel
My creativity
Am I looking for the easy way out?
What have I learned in the past 5 years?
do I still crave more knowledge
Of my craft, my life, my family…?

never stop dreaming
never stop dreaming

I wish to be able to
Smell the school bus yellow tomatoes sweetness
That sit upon my counter each day until I eat them
I want to lie in the soft grasses and smell the baby sprouts
Growing up towards the canary yellow sun that warms my world
I want to step into the ocean
One baby step at a time and begin to feel
The healing waters I write so deeply and passionately about
I want to begin to write the story of my heart
The good story
The one that cradles me at night
The one that warms me in the brisk wind
The one that sings when I look into the eyes of the man I love
Or sit and listen to our children speak of their grown up lives
I want to sit in silent awe at the amazing grace
All around me and bloom…
Not for the world to see
But for me
So when I stand in front of the mirror each day
I feel proud of who I am
I feel washed of the sins of my past
I feel thankful for all of my life
I feel the love which is so freely given to me
And most of all
That I am good

just be YOU
just be YOU
Read More i am good at nautilus teachings

should you stay or go at nautilus teachings

stay or go
stay or go

staying was never an option

it was how fast could i run
how far could i go
and how much time did i have
before they found out i was gone
and as i turned around to pack
there were her sad brown eyes

everywhere i turned there she was
folded in the bed linens was her touch
turned down pages in books from her soft fingers
a multi colored blanket being knit with her love
scattered pieces of her were everywhere
i was super glued to her

i was her bandage
i was her handkerchief
i was her embrace
i was her smile
leaving home meant putting me last

tangled up mess
tangled up mess

i stayed.
i went to the college
i married
i lived in the town that rotted my soul
i was drowning with no savior in sight
and then came the words

you have Leukemia
you have 6 months to live
get your affairs in order
and prepare to die
my mom would leave me first

i was suffocating
she would never see my kids
she would not visit my white picket fenced home
she would not smile any more
half of me was dieing
so i got pregnant
i gave her hope to live
while my dad said over and over
“your mom is not going to die…”
i had a son
my mom died 15 months later
and we never had our last conversation

the one she needed
the talk she begged me to come over for
but i was sick with fever
so i waited
2 days too long
and then she was gone

IMG_3642

i divorced
i married a bartender
i met on vacation
but i was still stuck in my hometown
how do i get out of here

i wanted to run
i stayed
i stayed
we married
i had two more kids
and i never moved away
i lived within my paintings

and then we won lottery
we moved far south
and i took my son
life was going to be amazing? halt right there…

my life spun out of control
he allowed
his addictions
to take over
and
i became a pro at faking happiness

i went back home
to visit family
i walked the park
i remembered mom
and i ran as fast as i could back south

run
run

i bought a sailboat
opened a bookstore
raised my kids
and rehabbed him over and over
sheri was no where to be found

one more move
this time to florida
a new start
a fresh life

he was out of control
he stole my boat
he built a meth lab on my boat
i filed for divorce
i hired a bounty hunter

i began to grow up
i lost the little girl and found my soul

colors surrounded me
memories engulfed me
i was prone to fits of anger
i spent hours cornered in tears
images began to flow from brush to canvas

unbelievable truth
unbelievable truth

my life unfolded in words
i found almost too hard to grasp
i found myself needing air
needing light and movement
i called upon mr. hawksbill and my fish friends

in my mind i was back home
i was swimming in Lords Park pool
with all my brilliantly colored fish friends
i was Fancy Finns the mermaid
my breathing became melodic

just like the tethered movements
of Mr. Hawksbills flippers
i was cradled in love
in warmth and my mothers arms
home – a place i never belonged

now reverberated out a feeling
that maybe,just maybe
home was my solace
home was where my colors blossomed
one phone call changed that thought

my father was on the other end
“when are you going to get a real job, Sher?”
“when are you going to do something with your life?”
“You cannot make money with a hobby.”
glub, glub, glub-i sank to the murky bottom

i felt tied to lies

for 45 years i did what other people wanted
they were the masters-i the puppet
how did i find my truths
where did i look
i stood at waters edge

time to rise up
time to rise up

face to the wind
tears streaming down my cheeks
“is my life over God? is this all i get?”
“how do i start over one more time?”
i walked clothed into the waves

fell into the current
and cried, “make me a fish so i can swim far far away”
instead, i washed ashore with sand in my mouth
clothes stuck to my body
and i belly giggled myself back to life

i had no home to go back to
my whole world was shattered

or was it?
i turned back to the art of mosaic

i began to put the fragments of my life together
this time it was MY way
it was Sheri’s way or I could not survive
I pulled my kids back as much as i could
and dismembered my old life

section by section i sold off or gave away everything-
all that was left, was this marvelous blank canvas
i stepped back to view my “self”
when i turned around with a big grin
and in my driveway was
Holy Shit-
there he was
#three

fuck, fuck, fuck, he was cute and smart
and staring at barnacled ole’ me
he was single, and if he was looking at me
he was certifiably crazy

Jesus, Mary and St. Joseph why now, why me?
we fell into each other and made a home
two doors down from where my first 45 years ended
did i stay or did i go?

found myself
found myself

i never left home because i carried with me
the memory of my mother’s love and guidance
on the other hand i will never ever return
for the memories are too much to bare.
will i ever have a home?

i will forever flow like the tide
in and our of different homeports
always searching for who i am, where i belong
and what i am here for
always taking time for belly giggles

always painting my way out of corners
or writing my way out of the depth of sadness
for almost 45 years home was a hard lesson
today i breathe each new day in, smile
and thank God for lending me this life

this wonderful, color filled life
i have an Art Studio to teach out of,
i have lots of women who’s lives i touch every day
i have an amazing family, support and great love
am i home?
the
answer
is
yes
because i learned
through
belief
through
faith
home is wherever
i am…
and
i
am
enough

You are enough
You are enough
Read More should you stay or go at nautilus teachings

home at nautilus teachings

i am blue
i am hues of  blue

Home is the color blue
Whether swimming in the water
Painting with the various hues
Or just going there in my mind
Blue is my core and my center
Home are my paints and canvases
Upon this surface I create dreams
I rid myself of pain
I embark upon new journey’s
Paints and canvases still me
Home is where I can hide all my secrets
I can wrap them in journals
I can write them on walls
I can type them into my computer
But most of all I can leave them here
Home is where beautiful silence exists
There is no noise, no television,radio or words
There are no bodies which conflict
No schedules,no demands and no pain
In the quiet peace of home I breathe
Home is knowing there are no more corners
Rounded soft curves of silky memories
Woven quilts with golden thread by my mothers hands
Breezes blowing through open windows
Home is safe, home is open, home is free.

Me.
Only I
can explain my definitions
Within the corners of my memories
Exist images and words to vile to survive
But
I
Did
Survive.
I am my story
I am the teller
And
My words
Are my
Truth…

Defining home does not belong on magnets
T-shirts
Or
Bumper stickers
Home is defined in the heart
To reach the heart
One needs words
And one needs
An
Open soul
To listen…
I
Live
the definitions
Of home
Each
Day
In
Every
Way
In
Order
To
Breathe
To
Paint
To
Grow
To
Live…

in words i am home
in words i am home

If I were not to live my definitions of Home
I would be walking in the shadows which I let
Define me for way too many years
Home is me
Home is now

My writing
Needs home
It needs
Blue
Words
Blue chords
Blue
Tears,
The paper
Will
Be
My
Canvas
The
Words
My
paint
In releasing
My words
I
Allow
The windows
Of my home
To be
Opened
Wide
With
Trust
With
Faith
With
Strength…
Quieting
My mind
Is essential
When
The world
Screams
Around me
I must
Learn
I
Am not
Alone
And
I
Can
Be
Where
There
Is
Intrusion
And
Still
Be
Safe

awash in blue
awash in blue

So
I will
Roll
With
The
Tide
I
Will
Swim
With
The
Fishes
I
Will
Allow
Mr.
Hawksbills
Tethered
Movements
To
Sing
Me
To
Grace
And
I
Will
Become
A
Mermaid
Who
One
Day
Will
Swim
Far
Far
Away
From
The
madness

Read More home at nautilus teachings

a mothers love at nautilus teachings

she loves me
she loves me

A woman’s prayer was answered
In May of 1962 in the ‘burbs’ of Chicago.
Tears streaming down her cheeks
She begged God for solace, for relief
From the demons which inhabited her home.
“Please God, give me a daughter,
Give me someone who will love me back…”
As the lunches were served around the city
I entered with a mere coo, a soft smile and a cornered heart.
At the same time the two toe headed demons
Planned my demise while my father continued
To build a wall of steel, surrounded by cornered silence.

my mother used to tell me i was her gift
obedient of my father’s wishes, run ragged by my brothers,
My mother was soft, full of color and light.
Her soul struggled for release.
As she held me in her arms, her burdens began to lift-
If only for mere moments of time.
She would dress me in pretty coats with matching bonnets
Or brush my long silky hair.
As I grew and hung on to her apron strings
My spirit hidden behind my big brown eyes
My happiness depended upon the
Silence I was expected to lock inside.

shhhhh
shhhhh

Tumbling down the red wooden steps
being called names and shoved by my brothers
Left my tiny soul shattered, yet I always knew
My mother would be there to hold and rescue me.
I would wake to her smile, I would follow her scent,
I would draw in her colors and if would feel her pain.
As she would dress for date night every Saturday, I would lie
on the bed and gaze at her beauty. She was the rose
on the thorns, and this image flowed through my veins like a slow,
Long ride on a squishy inner tube down the lazy river
Surrounded by yellow daffodils and linen white Lily of the valley flowers.

IMG_3831

I knew as a child I was her beating heart.
That I was given to be her red lipsticked smile.
I was hers, so she could be mine.
This may sound silly, but we drew from each other
Strength, faith, hope, love and the dream of
Living behind a white picket fence instead of being
Locked up and surrounded by the runoff of filth,
Pain, torture and words which could never be unsaid.
In my mother’s short life upon this earth
I loved her as the the seedlings are quenched by the rain.
I was born, to live, to die, to live again and while I am here
Her story I will tell, her love I will share and I WILL BLOOM.

Read More a mothers love at nautilus teachings

break wide open at nautilus teachings.

IMG_5003

there are moments
times in my life
when i want
to break
wide open
when i want
to fall
to the ground
and weep
like a
new born baby
i want to grab
my
security blanket
and hide…
but then,
light
warms
my soul
wind
caresses
my back
and i feel the
presence
of
God
encompassing me
and holding me
within
the palm
of his
hand…

IMG_4987
it is at
these moments
i feel the strength
of my
Faith
nourish and
feed me…
i have
taken on
the shame
of those
who have
abused,
hurt
or wronged me
and if i carry this
year after year
it wears down
my soul
until
i feel
unworthy…

IMG_4888
so
i started loving
myself
by releasing
it all.
by forgiving
without
expectation
of any
acknowledgement
from the person
who hurt me.
and just
loved
this
curious, kind, creative
child
i am
even at
the age of
53
and
gave it all to God…

IMG_5022
patience
is what i learned
in the stillness
i practiced daily
through prayer,
meditation
and mostly listening
for the call
of HIS voice
my home,
my center,
my buoy…
answers
came
some times in
slow melodic
lapping gently waves
of warmth
and
other times
cascading all around me
in a swirl
so powerful
i needed
write
and paint
it all out…

IMG_4889
my book
Nautilus
was one of those
hurricanes
swirling around me
so fast
i wrote it in 6 hours…
a gift given to
me
which
shares my
healing journey
through my faith…
when you combine
my love
of
faith
art and
teaching
this workshop
is what i got.
thank you for
believing in me
and having the courage
to break open
your soul
and let the
poison out
and
HIS
healing
grace
in…

Read More break wide open at nautilus teachings.