owning your life at nautilus teachings

owning your life at nautilus teachings

 

 

“own it, heal it, change it”- wow love this
-“stay a learner”-yes always

motivation is around
every corner
you just have
to be open to it,
commit to bettering
you!
you can believe
every diet plan
power bar
trainer
the latest quote
or viral meme
just look at fb
people are
always trying to get
you to try their product
find your inner peace
or try their exercise routine
they all believe
their
way
is
the
only
way…
what happens
when you bite?
take the bait
and
you
fail?

do you own that?
blame them?
yourself?
think,
i just can’t do this
i am no good
and beat yourself up
then sit eating
ice-cream and chips
on the sofa alone?

what happens
when
we
fail?
when we let it all go
give up
give in
and lose
any and all self confidence?

if i were to unravel
 and let the shadows
come out 
i would risk 
loosing control of me
 and maybe my
 patterned life-
i love routine
i am not a
fly by the seat of her pants
kind of girl,
i don’t do impromptu well…
i love knowing
every day
at a certain time
i wake
eat
sleep
exercise
meditate
teach
learn
paint
write
pray…

is this bad? 
and what happens 
if i like the
 shadowed part
 of me
mory more than the 
“seen me?”

hyper-vigilance
should be my middle name
i am über sensitive
to everything
from sights, to sounds
to smells…
to much of one thing
or the wrong mixture of another
heck, even food,
my body
automatically rejects
reacts
and screams
‘i thought you knew not to….’

my definition for my rest is-
”peaceful, vigilant sleep”
 knowing i am most vulnerable when i sleep 
and mostly attacked
 during sleep
 or in darkness
i may appear to be
in deep sleeps
but i am also aware
of everything going on around me…
i can dream
and listen to life at the same time
which is probably why
i always wake up
exhausted…
sure,
i can turn my thoughts off.
i do have very vivid dreams
every night
and i stay in darkness 8-10 hours…
it’s like i am made up of layers
and the very top
is a surface current
where my senses
are always circulating
knowing what is going on
from the dog licking his foot
to the wind blowing
to the outside ac kicking on
no matter what sound
big or small,
i know…
i just know…


inside me i feel weighted
to the bed
like a deep water current
slowly moving
never shaking
just a healing balm
of rest…
possessing all of me at the same time.
keeping the two separate
during wake
and sleep patters
causes horrible anxiety
yet somehow
i make it all work
because if i allowed
the crazy thoughts
to interfere with
my sleep
i may risk loosing my sanity.
i have boxed up, locked away ,
packaged and categorized my life
 so i can fully manage 
“me.”
i accept each piece 
for what it is-
mismatched
 and i like 
being a 
patchwork 
because 
it
 gives me 
different
 colored
t hreads 
to 
pull 
from…
but 
honestly 
i seek 
freedom 
from control
 and wish 
merging
 of
 all of me 
so i can 
truly
 sail
 free…
i am this puzzle
a work in progress
only on rare occasions
can i let myself go-
i fear letting my guard down
will open me up
to assault,
be it verbal
or physical
i just cannot
ever
live
that
life
again…
i know
i am safe,
loved
protected…
i know it’s
ok
to
be
me
but
i cannot rewrite my history
i cannot erase
my reeled
memory of pain
so i box it up tight
allowing only
snippets
of it to
unfurl
in moments
when i am
completely alone
and i know it’s safe…
there it is-
i
never
feel
safe.
WOW

Read More owning your life at nautilus teachings

living the dream at nautilus teachings

living the dream at nautilus teachings

 

 

 

I want to be
Fully broken
I have been
Mending
Pieces of my soul
All my life
Never allowing
Hurt
Sadness
Disappointment
To take over
Some say
This is good
I am strong
But the “fillings”
The “patches”
Are cracking
And wearing thin
I need to
Be broken
So I
Can heal
So I can sit
Beside the
Worn out core
Of me
Pull the reflective images
From my
Liquid eyes
Place them
In their raw
Polaroid faded
State
Upon the
Cobalt healing waters
Of my soul
And
Watch them
One by one
Loose
Their form
Their color
Their suffocating hold
Upon my
Every breath
I need to
Be broken
I need to
Withdraw
Words
Faces
Hands
All the pieces
Which line
My foundation
And lie fractured
Barnacled
While the
Warm
Cerulean waters
Cleanse me
Slowly
With
Melodic
Tethering
Movements
While my
Essence
Billows
Sweetly
Open
And
Unfurls
Like a sail
Kissing the wind
Once unfolded
I lie
Choice-less
As the
Whispered
Pieces
Of my
Imprisonment
Of pain
Sweetly lift
Off of me
Like
Creamy, soft sand
Being brushed
Gently
From my
Bare foot trodden paths
I want to be
Fully broken
In this
Exposed
Form
My
Being
Will then be
Navigable
Towards
The
Luminous
Mosaic
Quest
I
Journey
So effervescently
Upon In dreams
To be
Fully
Broken
Undressed
Defenseless
Untormented
Means
All my
“fillings”
My “patches”
Have been
Absolved
My
Palette
Is cleansed
And
I can now
Begin
The
Conscious
Voyage
Onto the
Calm
Azure
Ebb and flow
Of
My
Melodious
Expedition
Of
Unguarded
surrender…
i set out
upon this quest
years ago
little by little
releasing
has healed me
learning
about forgiveness
and joy
has healed me
yet still
when i sit still
and look
inside
i know
i am still broken…

i stopped
believing in
dreams and fairy tales
when i was just
a small child
because of this,
of my
needing to not
even imagine
i had the right
to speak
to grow
to learn
to leave
i became
one with an inner world
of color
silence
shame
having no direction
whatsoever
taking chances
on people
who challenged
me to step
outside
only to be let down
by that very
person
who’s hand
and words
i let guide me
out
of
my
shell…
i kept
doing this
echoing
each time
the truth
dreams are lies
we tell ourselves
to save us
from reality…
i am still
suffocating
still holding on
still living in fear
still unbelieving
in complete
happiness….
which is why
now
at the age of 55
i am traveling home
to say goodbye
to touch the house
that built me
to walk the park
i hid in
to once more
take photographic memories
of what was.
i am going to
“suck it up”
because
“it wasn’t so bad…”
i will stop being
“a big baby”
“grow up”
everything
everyone
tells me to do
as they laugh
walk away
tune me out
ignore me
believe
i do
not
exist…
in some ways
the emotional
and physical
trauma
of my life
formed me
and this old mold
of a shell
cannot take on
a new form…
what
do
i
do?

give it all to God…

when i
walk those shaded lanes
gaze upon
the old structure
remember
the sights, sounds
and smells
when i see
how nothing is
really just the same
only kinda
like it was
only then
can i disconnect
unplug
stop the
constant buzz
of
“you are ugly,
fat
stupid
unwanted…”
unfeel
the twisting pain
of my wrist
the pinches on my thigh
or the wetness
of my bladder
letting go into
my ruffled panties…
i want this shit
to go away
but it won’t
because
it is imbedded
upon
the inner
pieces of me
which are all connected
to the one
thing i want the most-

my mom…

knowing i can never
hear her voice
see her smile
or look into
her huge brown eyes
is something i’ve
accepted
but i will never
cease
wanting
to
know
the
truths…
and this
my friend
is what
i can never have
because
the people
who are still breathing
who know the truth
play dumb
say they cannot remember
ask me,
‘why would you need to know that?
dory has been dead for 30 years…’
really?
i wonder how their adult child
would feel
if it was asking
someone else
about them
after they died…
oh to be so perfect
to be judgmental
and be able to
turn your back
on someone who
loves you
because
you think
they should
let
it
go…
fuck you.
i’m holding on…

let the healing begin?

never…

if i was not
so broken
then how
would all
the light get in?
God holds me
faith cradles me
one day
i will see my mom
until then
i’m living the dream…

 

Read More living the dream at nautilus teachings

bad girl? at nautilus teachings

bad girl? at nautilus teachings

 

She wanted it
This she knew
From the core of her being
The word
Yes, yes, yes
Echoed
Do it
Take it
Be it…

“but what if you fall
What if you hate it
What if it scares you
What if the rope snaps
Or you break your back
What if you DIE?…”

“lol,
Really
You are such a baby
I’ll do it
I’m not afraid
Looks like fun
What’s the worst that could happen
Plus, he’s so cute, ask him
I tried it, it was easy…”
“I’m glad I’m not a girl
What a pain in the ass
All this thinking
Who has to think
It looks awesome
What an adventure
Shit
You only live once
Who cares if I die
At least I died trying
Give me beer
(he slugs it down
And JUMPS)

“what the fuck do I care,
Nobody would miss me
I live life on the edge
I do what I want
When I want
Fuck you all
I’m doin’ it
‘Cause I can…”

“Good Lord
Sweet Jesus
She’s gonna do it
I caint believe it
Can you
Wooohooohooohooo
That girl
Just gone
And done it
I declare
She is one tough hussy…”

“well,
Back in my day
Girls did not behave in that manner
We took orders
We followed directions
We stayed at home
Had the babies
And took care of our man…”

“mom,
What is the big deal
Just say it
What are you afraid of
Leave
Just do it
Tell him to fuck off
I hate him
I
Will tell him
Mom
Really
You are being a baby…”
“Sher,
There is nothing about this
In the Bible
You must do what your heart
Tells you to do
You must follow your feelings
God will guide you
When your time is up, it’s up
Live your life
And have faith that
God will protect you…”

“do not call me again
Until you have gotten rid of him
I don’t want to hear
Your whining
I don’t want to hear
Your complaints
You know what to do
I cannot take it any more
I am your best friend
But until you kick him out
My phone is on mute…”

“Cut
Print
That’s a
Wrap!
Hey did we get to
The part
Where
She
Said
“Fuck you”
To everyone
Jumped in the ocean
And landed
Ass up on the beach
Naked?”

she
Was soulfully naked
Stripped of colors
Mute of words
she had been the bad girl
In darkness
she screwed a few men
In silence
she fucked the pool boy
In corners
she masterbated
she tried to drown herself
Several times with shame
she tried to be a good girl
Good wife
Perfect daughter
Great sister
Best friend
she tried
And
Tried
And
Then
she broke the lock upon
Perfectionism
And began her experiment
she left the sofa pillows messed up one night
And smiled
Left a few dirty dishes in the sink til morning
Then put them in dishwasher unrinsed
Did not make the bed
Just rolled out and began her day
Did not take a shower for two days
And did not smell too bad
Went out of the house without makeup
And felt naked
Stopped going to church
And found her faith grew deeper
Stopped listening to the voices which she grew up with
Because they were poison
And
she walked into the ocean
Let herself float free
And washed in
Upon a crashing wave
Butt ass naked
Just her
The sun, sand, water
How peaceful
she looked up toward the sky
And down the vast empty beach
And said,
“Don’t look at me in that tone of voice world!”
Giggled
And realized
she had
Become
A
Ya Ya Sister
And true to the ending
Of this movie
When Sidda says to her daddy,
“Daddy, did you get loved enough?”
she will reply
With a full heart
And a free
spirit
“What’s enough?
My question is,
did you?”

 

 

Read More bad girl? at nautilus teachings

life’s journey at nautilus teachings

 

Rebirth
The journey
After life
Is a journey
Back to the womb
To the warm,
Stable
All encompassing
Environment from
Which we first started life
Inside our mother
Yet, can we truly return?
Given
We are not given a choice of parents
Of hometowns, lifestyles and religions
In which we are born
We are thrust into it all
Some into riches
Others to poverty
Each of us defined by the parameters
Which we fist scream out
“please don’t rip me from my protected shell”
Black
There is a time when our world is black
When the rising of the wave harshly contrasts
Against the soft silky melodies of our life
When the musical droplets of crystal blue
That warm, soothe and welcome one home
Is nothing more than the clanging symbols of remembrance
Change?
Painting is my drug of choice
It cools me when I am wrapped in anger
It warms me when I tremble with fear
And it soothes my very core with symphonic notes of tranquility
The buzzing feeling of laying new color to canvas
Takes my breath away and leads me on my quest to pull forth
Images conjured up as a child in my disco ball closet of colors
Born under the red wooden steps
I allow the cracked pieces to be melted together with each stroke of paint-
pass after pass of warmth
until once again I find myself covered
in the gauzy white glow of healing powers
Why would I want to change that?
Exist
I cannot exist in this world without my palette
On some days I still feel as if I am walking
Through someone else’s life
That my steps of timidity are a reflection
Of the cautious treading of my small feet
Through the tumultuous, raging midnight waters
Of my childhood
I see myself slowly moving alongside what I have
Come to know as my earthly being
I stand outside my self and peer inward…
A feeling of displacement surrounds me and
I am wrapped in questions
Why here?
Why me?
Did I choose the right slide
To slip down when my time
Came to be born?
Could I have taken a pass
And chosen a different journey?


Faces
Emerge along the arched hallways of memories
My chest rises and falls with each image
I am drowning in self pity, shame and low self worth
Demons float around me, golden hands wrap me
I am hurled backwards and fragments of “me” splatter
Against stark white canvases
Which now lie before me
Do I want them to change?
Is something different going to be better?
Would I still be an artist? Writer? Beachcomber?
This tremor causes a fault line to emerge
And I sit on the crumbling steps across from God
And ask one question
“am I a mistake?”
Corners
I first discovered the magic and beauty of corners when I was a young girl trying to escape the daily abuse from my brothers
I created my underwater world and my dreams took flight
I cried, sang, laughed and drew here
What if I did not find them?
What if My mother’s love was missing
What would my brush have been?
the images swimming within my head
Came to life here
Would they have disappeared?
Would I have needed them to survive?
My corners of my childhood
Have softened themselves into island coves
Each memory healed with release onto canvas
Is now a living, breathing, thriving pace
I know I can journey to any “cove” and find my way back home
Tied
I am tied to my coved memories
I no longer define my self as a lowly, worthless
Waste of human flesh,
I inhale the beauty of the sparkling champagne sun
And know love lies hidden amongst
the crackled colored leaves of my childhood
It thrives in the strong strokes and black edges
Which define my art
I no longer have to sit in the silence of the holy night
And wonder, “when will the healing begin?”
I can set sail any time I choose and
Allow the gentle hand of God to guide me through my storm
And into air and light
I stopped banging into walls and began to feel
For the very first time
And share the colors of my soul
Which I have carried so long within…
No
In changing my past, the connections, the journey’s
I hence would alter my future
This begs the question
would that be a bad thing?
I search my soul
I walk the sandy shore
I look to the sea
I twirl under Orion my guiding star
And smile
And for the first time
I love
Me!
My colors begin to multiply
I am unfurling
Right before my own eyes
Knowing that which I hold dear
That which has held me back
That which I have dreamed
And has encumbered me
Is all who I was meant to be
Mistake
I am not a mistake
I am a gift
It just took me a long time
To awaken
And breathe into my life
The love that was given to me
I came from the water
I am fed by the ebb and flow of the tide
And to the sea
I shall return
A beautiful dolphin
Dancing at waters edge
For generation to see…
No matter where I was born,
Raised, died
I am a child of color
With a soul that can sing
Anywhere she is placed…

 

 

Read More life’s journey at nautilus teachings

what’s in a name at nautilus teachings

what’s in a name at nautilus teachings

 

 

how many ways do people say your name?

sher-
my mother would echo my name
sheri berri
was my sun tanned summer name
sheri lynn
was what my Aunt called me
sarah
what my father wanted my name to be
gigglegigglegiggle
how my best friend said my name
harriet cooper
my brothers called me this
sheri
my mother would whisper to wake me
SHERI LYNN!!!
what my mother said when i was in trouble

isn’t sheri….
ever going to speak?
does she talk at all?
is something wrong with her?
why does she hide under the table?
is she sad?
Sheri Lynn Schultz
the name i was registered under
when i was admitted to the hospital
for the very first time
what happened to her?
how old is she?
does she have any allergies?
Schultz
5 year old child
trauma to head
“swallowed tongue”
convulsions
bruising
won’t speak
we are sending her home

sheriiiiiii 🙂
the magical way my water ballet instructor
sang out my name
“you will be a mermaid today”
or
“today you are a sea turtle”
“today you are bright colored fish”
shara schulty
the name i was introduced as
in my new school
by the dumb teacher
as i hung my head
in embarrassment
hair covering my face
schultzzzzzzz
“you are up next,
do as many sit ups as you can
followed by as many
push ups as you can…”
hahahahahahahahaha
what i heard as i did
3 sit ups
and
zero push ups
“when you wish upon a star”
all i heard in my head my whole life
i was going to work
for
disney
it said so in my yearbook
i was accepted to the
art institute
i had won numerous art awards
in High School
“you cannot make money with an art degree, Sheri…”
the words my father yelled
at me over and over
as i held in my hand documentation
that stated
I had what it took to enter the art institute
who do you think you are?
i will not pay for your education
if you pursue an art degree
you will go to the college i pick
and major in business
do you understand?
“ant” sheri
the size i felt
when told this
as the truth about my life
crawled over my entire being
i was never going to be
“a real live girl…”


Schultzy
the nickname given to me
on my first day of college
by a girl who became my
best friend-
italian beauty
“favs”
her smile made me feel warm
and
her big eyes
mesmerized me
ssscchhultzzzz
how my name sounded
as it rolled
off the tongue
of my football, sex God boyfriend
Peter Appleton
#16
great ass
crooked fingers
curly hair
soft smile
killer blue eyes
catholic
my first…
!shitsheri!
what my pastor said to me
before my fist wedding
when i told him
i just cannot do this
i did it anyway…
oh sher…
my mother’s words
when she was diagnosed with
6 months to live-
sigh
sad eyes
tears
hand squeezing
sigh
jesus sher
“your mother is not going to die…
she will get better
stop worrying…”
“are you crazy taking your mom for a walk”
“you killed her”
“get out, it’s your fault”
jesus sher
sheri, sweetheart
i’m so sorry about your mom
i loved your mom
your mom was so proud of you
your mom loved you
you look just like your mom
your mom will be missed
shaereee
flowed from my beautiful red haired
nephews tongue
i love you shaereee
can i stay with you
where are we going today shaeree
McDonalds? the zoo? the park?
shaeree, i love you sooooo much
…smile…
sheri pafford
the girl i became
so my mother would smile
and dream of white picket fences
grandchildren to spoil
and the tea we would sip
in the back yard
sheri ellison
my rebellion name
my thelma and louise
period of life
when i married a drug addicted
alcoholic
cross-dressing
beach bum bartender
and had two
beautiful girls with
slut, whore, cunt, bitch
slowly i was being erased
from what little life i had
i was not longer
“ant” sheri
i was the lice upon the ant
i was the bug upon the lice upon the ant
i was
dirt
no, i was the dust upon the dirt
‘just sheri’
how i introduced myself
to people i would meet
“hi, I’m Sheri”
sheri who?
“just Sheri”
you don’t have a last name
“not one i like…”
suspicious look
grin
and
then
o.k., just sheri it is


so, sheri
i set out to find
in my words
my colors
the blue calming Atlantic ocean
the baby butt soft sand beneath my feet
in my children’s smiles-
in my own cornered world,
i began to unfurl…
tiny scattered mosaic pieces of me
seeking to leave behind
the stench and filth of my life
handprint
how i began signing every painting
no first name
no initial
no last name
i was just
me
the
tiny
girl
whose
mother
once
held
so
tightly
in the palm
of her
hand
and
who’s
hands
mine
now
echoed
blondie, babe, babycakes
the names
i am called
by the man i love
the one who
i married
who i took a leap of faith upon
that there is love
in life
that happiness
does exist
that i am worthy
that i can breathe
without breaking
i can smile
without tears
i can give
without expectations
i can receive
and not feel guilt
i can paint
and be accepted
i can write
and feel release
i can be silent
and it’s just fine
i can just be
Me!
sheri
sheri lynn
sheri lynn stewart
sls
i
have
returned
to
the
initials
i
was
born
into
how
forboding
is
that?

 

 

Read More what’s in a name at nautilus teachings

LGBT-for bridget at nautilus teachings

LGBT-for bridget at nautilus teachings

 

 

i knew her then
i know her now
this is her story
she is my friend
forever

SHE WAS BORN

Brunette
Tiny
To a house
Of catholic men
A house
Where women
Did what they
Were told

SHE ESCAPED.

As a child
Running wild
And nude
Giggling
Teasing
Happy
To a world
Of wonder
And grace

A STORM HIT.

And she
Was shattered
Splattered
Innocence was lost
By him
And him
And never punished
By HIM
And the woman
Cried
For her small
Beautiful
Girl
As she rocked her
Gently to sleep

KAREN.

Was auburn haired
Freckled
Filled with sunlight
Smiles
And love
SHE was the girls heart
and best friend….
Hand in hand
Soul to soul
Kiss to kiss

INNOCENCE.

Was found
Once more
In the arms of the
6 year olds
Skin to skin
Lips to lips
Fingers entwined
Bodies as one
The two beauties
Flew wild and free
In their play
In their sleep
And in their love

GROWING.

The girls hair
turned soft mocha
Her lips filled out
And by 10
The boys wanted her
But all she wanted
Was
KAREN

she
Tried to like boys
Tried to touch
Tried to kiss
Over and over
But her eyes
Saw KAREN
Her heart
Beat out the name
KAREN
Her words whispered
KAREN
As she took her first
boy kiss
Held a boy hand
Looked into
Boy eyes
she cried
In the corner

MOVE.

How can they move
Her away from
KAREN
She was suffocating
Choking
Tears running
From eyes to cheek
Landing upon her
Sun tanned legs
As she
Turned to look out the
Back window of the car
Of her road
Of her house
Of her life
Of her first
Lost love…

this was the 60’s
a time of free love
a time
when being gay
was something
you were ashamed of
so this little girl
followed
the rules…
she was my best friend
i knew all her secrets
i held them all inside
because the world
hated her
for liking girls…

SARAH.

Long
Lean
Fair
Green eyes
13
First cigarette
First drink
Small boobs begin
Crush
Again
Lips
Kiss
Kiss with tongue
Lie nude
Play
Touch
Explore
Love

MOVE.

Not her but SARAH
Sad
Cling
Cry
Scream
Yell
Hate
Hurt
Break
Promise
Never
Never
Never

she turned 16
Boys
dating
trying to fit in
Yuk
Boys
Because
she was a girl
Boys
she wants
ANGIE
Funny
Brunette
Brown eyed
ANGIE
they
Called each other
boy nicknames
they
were one
In spirit
thought
dreams…
But
Boys?
they must conform
let boys
touch
In closets
Car seats
Dark rooms
boys
hurt her
boys take
boys demand.
sadness

COLLEGE.

Sex with a boy
Dreamy
Incredible
Soft
Love
DANIEL
Catholic
Strong
athletic
Love
maybe she was wrong…
Marriage?
No
she can’t

LAURIE.

Tall
Blonde
Irish
Smile
Sweet
Lips
Scent
she wants LAURIE
She is shy
Kind
Innocent
she turns
Away
Ashamed
lost…

MARK.

Marriage
wrong
affair
wrong
Empty
Lost
Searching
Child
Mom
Lost
Following
society
Rules

DEATH.

Of parents
Of life
Of rules
Of ties
Of her
Wandering
Searching
Looking
Leaving

DIVORCE.

Freedom
But
With
Attachment
Now
A child
Beautiful
Blonde
Thumb
Sucking
In need of
Dad

STEVE.

Crazy
Adorable
Exciting
Rebel
Rule breaker
Freckled
LIKE KAREN
Fair
LIKE SARAH
Brunette
LIKE ANGIE
Connection
Heart
Soul
Marriage
Rules
Society
Follow
Conform
Be
Do
Stay
Take
Pain
Take
Ugly
Words
Take
Abuse
Stay
Sad
Broken
Puzzles pieces
On the floor

PAM

Salt and pepper
Hair
Glasses
Soft tongue
Lips sweet
Eyes dark
Skin mocha
Rebirth
Society
Changing
Accepting
Stuck
Stuck
Stuck
Threats
Stay
Heart
Filled with holes
Head
Filled with questions
PAM
she does not tell her
Just flirts
She flirts back
she knows
She
Gets impatient
Leaves

CORNERED.

she stays
In the
Corner
Bumping
Grinding
Playing
With toys
her
SELF
Girl
Now
WOMAN
Alone
Playing
Alone
Longing
For
HER
Touch
HER SCENT
HER LOVE

DIVORCE.

Freedom
Once again
Alone
Sad
Abandoned
Directionless
Kids
Conform
Be
Do
Perfect
Yet long
For HER
No name
No face
Just
HER
Self
Satisfaction
Leaves
Her empty
Riddled
With guilt
Walking
Paths to
Nowhere

HIM

Rescued
By
Vagina man
Works
Feminine
Smart
Strong
Love
Love
Better
Healing
Normal
Fit
Molded

SCARED.
she turns
into
Her world once more
uses her imagination
remembers childhood
she cannot return
Thinks of
KAREN
SARAH
ANGIE
PAM
Gasping
For air
For life
For right
Why so wrong
Needing to follow
A path
She cannot
So she stays
Locked
Cornered
Bandaged
Unsure
Unknowing
Of true love
Heart connection
Of threaded souls
Perfection
Keeper of promises
Untrue to self
Afraid
slices wrists
depression
sadness
pain…

life passes her by
she
was
abnormal
until
the world
said
yes…
LGBT!
she
rebelled
left
kids
grown
husband
gone
she
began
living
no more lies…
Arrival
Spirit
Joy
Sweet
Soft
Touch
Love
Want
Cracking her lid
To let her soul in
Air
Breathe
Tremors
Scared
Unsure
Unknowing
Wanting
Needing
Scents

Soul
Open
Words
Free
Spirit
Yes
Connection
Understanding
Passion
Small
Beautiful

HER
Feeling 6
Again
World changed
Touch
Hair
Hand
Arm
Hug
Kiss
Brush
surrender
To dreams
To thoughts
To words

SHE
denied
dreaming
and then
dared
to be a daisy
in the hands
of life
peeling away
the petals
and revealing
what she always knew
she
loved
girls…

for B…

 

Read More LGBT-for bridget at nautilus teachings

burnt toast at nautilus teachings

burnt toast at nautilus teachings

 

 

 

memories are
like burnt toast
you lose track of time
they pop up
and leave a lingering
scent…
you can open a window
light a candle
spray lysol or febreeze
you can even cook something
but that strong crispy
‘oops i overdid it’ smell
just won’t go away,
it takes time.
if you have ever
thrown a pot and dented
your fridge,
slammed a door
and cracked the glass
hit a wall
leaving an indentation
if you have ever
spilled red wine
leaving behind a stain
cut yourself leaving a scar
you know exactly what
i mean…
our history
is locked up tight
sealed inside of us
we can close and lock the doors
we can pretend things never happened
we can even forgive and move on…
then one day the wind blows
from a different direction
your stomach feels off
and those darn memories
flood every inch of you…


My mother was ruled by my father
But her hands never stopped loving,
Her hands never ceased baking home made goodies,
Her eyes never stopped sparkling
Her laugh never dulled

She listened
She obeyed
And she
Disappeared
Not from the family
But from life

Her silence was cradled
In golden rays of love
It was wrapped around my body
It was in her hair each time the wind blew it
And in every stitch sewn or knit by her hands

She was told to stay home
Yet she secretly had a job
She was den mother to many
Brownie leader to none
She ran concession stands at the ball games
ran the PTA
taught sunday school
and volunteered whenever asked…

Testosterone ran deep in my family
4 men in total
Ruled my mother
And I was the one
To catch her tears
And hold her
While we swung on the porch

Patching clothes
Darning socks
there was no money for new ones
My mother traded work for the boys new clothes
I wore my cousins Hand me downs
and my beautiful aunt made sure
mom had gorgeous clothes

No diamonds
Or real pears
Avon jewelry was her “best”
Inking up the worn leather on her shoes
To last, just one more year….
Or two…

My mother was ruled by my father
So,
As pretty and loving as she was
I never learned
To stand up for myself
Fight for anything
Or believe I was good enough

After grandma died when i was little
My grandfather dated several
blinged out woman
With rings upon every finger
Short skirts
Painted on makeup
Ruby red lips
Long nails
Stiff hair
Big boobs
Loud mouths
Smokers
Drinkers-
It lasted only a few years
And then he married #2
Who cleared her throat all the time
Had glasses
Was short,
Thick,
laughed like a hyena
And my mother disliked her…
My mother died when she was 55.
My father first spent a year with God
Then he dated a few
Loud
Sexy
Skinny
Drinking
Women
For a little while
Then he married
Dragon lady
She was gruff,
Loud,
Bossy,
Opinionated,
Rude,
Smoked when she drank
And kicked my dad in the balls
When needed…
when i turned 50
5 years til my impending death so it shall seem
I was determined to beat it,
and so far,
so good,
‘knock on wood!’
d already knows
if he passes before me
I will then
Become a
Lipstick lesbian
and open a dog swim park
in my back yard…
i am through with men
after d,
he ruined me-
in the best of ways…
what happens if i die first?
i am not even going to
open that book
because i believe in spirits
and if you have ever
seen the movies,
Ghosts pf Girlfriends Past,
where while attending his brother’s wedding,
a serial womanizer is haunted by
the ghosts of his past girlfriends.
or Over her dead body,
where a ghost tries to sabotage
her former boyfriend’s current relationship with a psychic
then i suggest you do
and prepare to giggle…
i will never
ever leave
my stewie alone…
i will be that
burnt toast scent
he just can’t seem
to stop inhaling!

Read More burnt toast at nautilus teachings

reflection at nautilus teachings

reflection at nautilus teachings

Reflection
Reflection
Reflection

I bounce down the same
Damn red steps
i grab for and miss
the same rail, every time…
i land with the same thud
against the closed door
look up
and see the glass knob
reflecting my pain…
I lock myself up
In the same closet
with my colors
blanket and bear
i draw turtles, mermaids and fish
creating a whole family
just for me…
I cry the tears of my youth
As if it were today.
those images
were locked
and sealed tight
inside my tiny self
i never let any one person inside
i never shared
the calm, silent, stillness
of the tethered waters
i never did
until that day
almost 10 years ago.
i knew
I needed to
Let it all go
to give the world
a place to breath
laugh
heal
and know
with me
they are safe…
yes,
I feed upon my past
Because it gives inspiration
To my work…
i write upon every canvas
my life stories-
i have millions,
trust me,
i will never run out
and then i cover up the pain
with brilliant colors
whimsical images
and watch as people
smile,
giggle
and take home
a piece of me…
you may believe
I am stunted
And churning myself around
In the same cyclone of filth,
wondering
will she ever shut up
let this shit go?
WTF is wrong with sheri?
but i ask you, can you
imagine feeling
dirty, worthless, fat
as if no one cares what
you think, feel or say
every single day of your life?
this
was
me…


i knew
I must
Crack
My soul open
If I was to begin to grow?
where i grew myself,
was rotten
i had a weak foundation
my only strength
was i was rooted
in my faith…
i needed to
Stop
The madness…
Are you kidding?
Loose my colored identity?
Erase the memories which flow?
Swim upstream?
Wear an oxygen mask?
I need a theme?
NOPE!
My
Life
Is
My argument
my research paper
my agreement with God
to no longer be silent
to honor my mother
to open up the eyes, ears
and heart of women
everywhere, letting them know
that they are not alone…
i get to
open my eyes each day to my fish friends
I step onto turquoise water colored wood floors
I slip my body into soft blacks and grays
I unfold my visions onto canvas with vibrant hues
As I listen to the meditation music of the sea
My
Life
Is
Silently cornered
Noise infiltrates my brain and makes me anxious
The dog barks and I jump
The timed waterfall pouring into my pool reminds me
That darkness will encompass me soon
I must light the candles throughout my home at dusk
To scare away the demons which blow in & out of my mind
And as the time to un-cocoon myself nears
I huddle into a corner and ask for internal patience
My
Life
Is
A puzzle missing a piece
I must accept the failures of my mother
The weakness of her spirit
I must accept my father was cruel
He ruled over her
I must accept that she was tender
And kind and full of love
I must accept that he was a bully
A grump and absent
I must accept my demon brothers
To be like every other sibling
Brothers pick on sisters
They blame sisters
This is normal???
My
Life
Is
My truths
I must accept my truths
I must grow from love
I must bury the ugly
I must forget the hurt
I must bandage the wounds
I must grow up?
Fuck that!!!
I am so damn mad and hurt
I don’t want to be different
I like who I am
I love my colors
Yes!!!
I suffer
Yes!!!
I hurt
Yes!!!
I stay
Huddled in corners
Writing words upon the wall
I sit
In silence
Painting images that rescued me
As
A
Child…
What
Have
I
Learned thus far?
I learned
That I
Do
Have
A
Story
To
Tell
And
By
Sharing
My
Story
I
breathe
into this world
the grace of my faith
the beauty of my soul
the inspiration of my words
the importance of self love
the need to be grateful
and to forgive
but most of all
all i really want
is for each of you to know
YOU
are
FUCKING
ENOUGH,
always and forever…

Read More reflection at nautilus teachings

life…..then and now at nautilus teachings

life…..then and now at nautilus teachings

 

 

what is your
very first memory
your first dream
the flavor
or scent you recall
the most,
or maybe it is a feeling,
a person,
a special spot
or even something
as simple
as riding your bicycle
hands free
as the wind whipped your hair…
what about diving into
a cold swimming pool
holding your breath
and pretending you
were a fish, mermaid, sea turtle…
take a moment
let yourself
twirl back,
way back
to the days
of childhood
when life was simple
and you felt no fear…
Young beauty
Standing on the corner
Sunlight upon your hair
Gazing up towards the pool blue sky
Cotton ball clouds bouncing by
Dreaming of one day
Getting married in the pavilion…
Return
Unto the town of youth
Large gnarly oaks still standing
Leaves forever green
The wind caresses your memories
Before your big brown eyes
a vine bursting a tomato red pavilion
children scattered amongst the
leafy grasses,
swans floating effortlessly as
You squeeze your lids closed
and are covered in seedlings
each one representing pieces
of
your past…
you remember home,
Shuttered and grey
Two stories with a wrap around porch
Running free up the steps
And flinging your small agile body
Onto the white washed porch swing
Slowly you float your head backwards
And belly giggle about nothing at all…
this,
this was what freedom felt like
this was innocence.
you stare at the house
that was once your home
your safe haven
the birthplace
of your imagination…


the front porch is missing,
this reminds you of loosing your front teeth.
The flowered garden of your mother’s
the place she spent hours in
planting fragrant flowers
Now holds a full sized cement barn
Cold and barren there is no life
You sit on the small step, rub your hand against the paint
As tears flow quickly upon the wrinkled hands
Which once held life so freely…
back then
It was as if time would stand still
That chocolate malts would always make you smile
Quarters would buy enough candy for a week
Silence was a mere knob turn away
Scents filled your entire being with warm chocolate kisses
Bubble baths were journey’s into dream land
And fresh sheets smelled like sunshine
Now,
Beauty still stands across the street from your old home
There are no children riding bikes
Or playing hopscotch on the sidewalk
The lavender lilac bushes and linen white lily of the valley
Have been replaced with weeds taller than a fence post
The memories are still in tact
As you walk the neighborhood: the streets of your soul palette
you feel sad
like a huge piece is missing…
you know time moves on
places and people change
you
grow
up…
this leaves you feeling blank.
this was how this life began for you-
Cracked, scarred, blurred and broken…
knowing this
was what happened to your tiny angel wings…
Saved by the imagination of youth
You were able to breathe in the colors of life
When all around you
Sewage flowed and dared to drown you
yet now,
45 years later
as you stand
before the house
that was your home,
you feel released
Like beautiful white doves in flight…
Whimsical images in brilliant hues
Transformed the memories locked inside
As the strokes of your brushes
Gave birth to the realization that you were good
That from your lips and and your fingers
Flowed the pure and simple truths…
has your life come full circle
can you release
that which has tethered your soul
for your entire life?
and,
in doing this
does this mean
you say goodbye
to your mother
stitch up the open wounds
inflicted upon you
by your brothers
and silent father
still flowing
feeding pain
to your entirety?
changed.
this is how you feel.
reborn.
able to make choices
which feed your soul
happiness and joy…
you twirl once more
just like a child
fingers pointed outward
smile upon your lips
feeling all the beauty surrounding you
the warmth of your mothers hug
smell the flowers of your youth
taste the baby grapes growing
on the vine on your
favorite hill
and you know
you feel it,
you
feel
her…
tears slide from your eyes
as you hug yourself
knowing childhood
is never gone
it’s always
within
and for this gift
your are eternally grateful…

 

 

Read More life…..then and now at nautilus teachings

safe places at at nautilus teachings

safe places at at nautilus teachings

 

we all need a safe place
the place we cry in
hide in
dream in
create in
maybe even scream in…
My under the sea world
is mine-
On the first day
I entered the knotty cedar, stained brown closet
On the second day
I sat in the corners which were crammed full with clothes
On the third day
I reached up toward the light bulb with an ashen string
On the fourth day
I carried my crayons, tears, teddy and myself into the space
On the fifth day
I drew my guide, Wise old mr. Hawksbill
On the sixth day
I became Fancy Finns the mermaid and created my fish friends
on the seventh day
My under the sea world was created and we all belly giggled

Under the red wooden steps
This was where Sheri was born
Monet painted clothing hung from hangers everywhere
The scent of my Mother covered every inch of this space
Her bottle cap shoes lay nestled in order along the back wall
My father’s ties hung from rusty hooks looking like paint drips
Small rays of light filtered through the cracks in the steps
Illuminating the dark world and giving me the hope
That I could be safe here and live within these four walls

A chiseled glass knob held the key
To my world, to my creativity, to my life
I would grab the rusty toothed key upon entry into my place
And quickly click the lock upon the door held by the brass plate
I would close my eyes, take a deep breath and say
“God, please make me a fish, so I can swim far, far away…”
Then I would huddle in the corner with my bleeding knees
Dirty clothes, running nose and color my way to air

Sacred, quiet, off limits to the demons
The angled closet lived within my bedroom
A room my parents and I shared
They, to hold their clothes,
me, to sleep and heal
The Demons were not allowed in here
However; they were rule breakers, life suckers
And at first sound of their sneakers squeaking up
I would bolt, grab my golden key, hold my breath
And lock myself up tight, just like my
polly pocket locket dolls…

Carried away in my colorful, whimsy dreams
As I entered each day, I would kneel and pray my mantra
“God, please make me fish, so I can swim far, far away…”
I would grab my crayons which lie hidden beneath my dads
Old olive green army suit and white cootie club hat and shirt
And draw kiwi green seagrasses with lavender flowers
Waving at me a friendly hello
“hi, hi, hi I would whisper back, no melodies today,
The demons are near and they might hear you…”

Mr. Hawksbills tethered movements would soothe me
As I drew each day and soon my tiny eye lids grew heavy
Sleep came easy here
No nightmares, or sweaty shakes
I would roll down soft, lush shamrock green hills
Filled with sunburst yellow wild flowers
And land underneath the bursting royal purple grape vine
And fill myself with the sun-kissed sugared purple ovals
Only to awake with salty tears encrusted upon my cheeks

The best thing about my world
Is that I carry it with me wherever I go
I can find blank canvases to release the soul saving images upon
I can flip the lids off my paint tubes and dip my fingers in the cool azure blues, caribbean turquoises and lime greens
Instantly I am soothed, my heart beat slows down
And as I brush on brilliant yellow mixed with linen white
I feel the breath of God breathing life into my soul
I pick myself up off the floor
Give a twirl
And smile,
At the
Unleashed memory
Brushed across
The rough
Canvas before me
and
I am home…

 

Read More safe places at at nautilus teachings