that’s life at nautilus teachings

there it is.
you are smiling
people are all around you
music is crooning
wine is poured
people are munching
you mingle
say hello to everyone…
a few, ask you questions
and then there is the one guest
who’s words shove you
downward
and all you can do is spiral
onto the closest
safe landing spot.
without warning signal
or prior knowledge
the world
becomes
one
teeny
tiny
town.
has this ever happened to you?
you are traveling,
at a friends house
maybe at work
the dr’.s office
or even in line at
the grocery store…
you meet someone
who knows someone
you know from your past
and WHAM
you cannot shut up
asking questions
to test them
is this real
or is this person a plant
because someone is following me
wanting to harm me?
paranoid much?
when you have any type
of difficult past
be it family, exes, friends
or just something stupid you did
when you were young,
and you have already
asked forgiveness for it
thought you had laid it to rest
but all at once
this tsunami of memories
and feelings-
the good, bad, mad, pissed, hurt, fuck you
consciousness
emerges
and
you
are
floating
back in time…


upon landing
your armor goes up
fists clench
heart begins to race
old scents, images and sounds
echo across your mind
while next to you,
the “planted peeps”
are smiling laughing
saying things like,
“girl, you and i will be best friends…”
“i was meant to meet you..”
karma?
blessing?
warning?
should you send up the
signal flair?
raise the white flag?
excuse yourself
and run?
in most cases,
none of that will work
because you are in a situation
you have not chosen
no matter how trivial it may be
so you stay
glued to their every word.
all around you
people are boarding the plane
or brushing against you as they
walk by to grab a beverage,
the guest speaker is
yammering on
your name is called
to enter the dr.’s office
and you don’t answer
until the receptionist
finally raises her voice
and gets your attention,
or it’s your turn to check out
and the people in line behind you
are saying,
“come on, already!”
what do you do?


you cannot ever stop this
from happening,
sure you can turn your ear away
not engage
delusionally think, ‘this is not happening’
but in fact
it does,
to every single one of us
at least once in our life-
more for some of us
because some tend to no longer
attach to one person at
a young age
and live
the rest of their lives
with them
so we do run in to
ex family
ex loves
ex step children
ex in laws
ex friends
and more likely than not
these exes have shared
the untruth of your story
with many people
because lets face it
some people like to lie
and gossip and tell
quite a huge fish tale
because it brings attention
to them!
reality is
we
don’t
know
if the person
who seems to have
some shared memories
of people we know
is real,
yet nostalgia
tends to warm our heart
make us yearn for home
or the good ole’ days
it is only in the process
of growing up
and older
that we can grasp,
it’s just all good,
‘planted peeps’
or not.
you decide.
for me
i cannot resist
grilling them on facts
only i would know
asking them tricky questions
one could never answer
unless you were in
the very room with me
and this supposed person
they “know too.”
and then,
there it is,
they
KNOW.


this recently
happened to me
and although i was
laughing it off on the outside
i was feeling creepy on
the inside.
why is it stuff keeps popping
back in your life,
the sharp edged spears
that hurt you the deepest
crushed your world
broke you apart
what is it about life
that can be so damn
frustrating
you want to stop time
put duct tape over their mouths
rewind the reel of life
and un-invite them?
lessons.
something God wants me to learn
and never question again…
for me it is trust, safety, faith…
trust i am strong enough
He would never put me in harms way
i am safe always through my faith
if i continue to believe and pray
for guidance.
i was being asked to trust God.
so, i sat back,
listened to their stories
laughed with them
accepting their words
as truth-
because they knew way
to much for it not to be,
i kept floating back
towards them
smiling
chit chatting
about the party
and in the end,
the
hug,
smiles
and the common
knowledge
that this person
we have in common
truly is a mf
a crazy
unbalanced
lost soul
that both of us
in another place
and time
just happened to know.
it wan’t karma
or the devil
it
was
life!

Read More that’s life at nautilus teachings

life’s soundtrack at nautilus teachings

you are driving
in your car
when
THE
song comes on
the one you love
because it reminds you
of being with your mom
when you were young
until that one verse
the part you disagree with
because that other person
in your life was the shits
this is the place you
sing very loudly
LALALALALALALALALA
or you try to
close off your ears
even hum really loudly
blocking out the images
it conjures up
until at last
the soft, glow of warmth
returns
and you are happily singing along…
or how about
your favorite song
that you sing
as loudly and off key
as you can
because you have
to sing it
since
these words
are
YOUR
LIFE
how could the artist
have ever experienced
exactly what you did
you are filled with
euphoria
an unbelievable feeling
that you are not odd
or different
in fact
the whole world
agrees
and has lived
through the same
shit you have…


then there are the songs
you love
but you have no idea
what the artist is saying
so you make up your
own verse
and then when you
are with friends
and you all start singing
the song,
everyone has made up
their own words
so you end up laughing
at the common
knowledge
no one knows
what the real words are
so you each share
your version
until you are all
giggling so hard
your belly aches…
once in a blue moon
i will google the lyrics
to a song
and when i read them
i think
‘nope! not singing that.
I’m singing my version
because it’s so much better!’
i remember when i was
pregnant with my
oldest daughter
and a manager
at limited clothing…
it was 1990 and their
theme music all year was
french musicians
leggings were totally in
with the long shirts
that scrunched at your waste…
i had horrible all
9 month long tummy sickness
and to this day
at the first note of
french singing
i get nauseous…
some people have
first love songs
wedding songs
the song on the radio
the day something tragic happened
or the song playing
when any first happened in their life.
what would your theme song be?
is there on artist
you listen to over and over?
what do you want played
at your funeral?
i make play lists for everything
from anger management
to kids paint
ladies night
doc work
meditation
favs
holiday
Oriah
work out
with my favorite
being kip and me-
Kip Mazuy is my
driving in the car on a daily basis
go to in crazy traffic mix…
his music calms and soothes me-
people can cut me off
honk at me
even flip the bird
for any reason
and i just float on
happy as can be.
doc says
‘this music is so boring
i’m afraid one day i will
come home and find you dead
from too much meditation!’
this just makes me laugh
i roll my eyes
and think
wowza
when i do
bite the dust
take my last breath
meet my maker
what song
would i truly
like playing ?
for me
it would have to be
the dixie chicks
‘everybody knows’.
it’s my go to song
to inspire me to throw paint
get in the creative spirit
what i play when i am angry,
sad or in need of release
it’s just the very first song
i look for on my list-
and yes,
it makes every list
for this reason.
Music is important.
some people can tell their life story
through the generations
of one musician
because although they listen
to many
their life is bound
by the memories
of every concert
they attended
listening to this one
person sing…
music makes you feel
every emotion possible
music makes you step outside
your self and your life
and live
in the hotel california
climb that stairway to heaven
sit on the dock of the bay
but for this ole’
artsy fartsy midewestern chick
it will always be…
“Stepping out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can’t erase from my life
Everybody knows
Standing out so you won’t forget my name
That’s the way we play this game of life
Everybody knows”

https://youtu.be/LEHJGQVUsAk

Read More life’s soundtrack at nautilus teachings

there’s that f’ing memory at nautilus teachings

there is a struggle
inside of me
i am filled with
the knowing
this should be simple
quit trying so hard
just let it flow
but there is a
ginormous plug
welded
upon the image
of you,
there will be
no uncorking
no smiles
or cheers
at the pop
the release,
there will be
no bubbles
spraying upward
holding air
only the slow
cascading of
sticky memory
the fizzle of a light
which refuses
to go out
until
you have finally
stuttered out
enough
harmful
un-encouraging
hurtful words
until at last
your mind
goes blank
with no more
demeaning thoughts
until at last
you finally look
up to God
and say,
“well, i think i damaged her enough, Lord,
take me home…”
is there some
one
any
one
person
in your life story
you think,
“why is God keeping them alive?”
is it true that only the good die young?


i take in a deep breath
and begin searching
for a good memory
of you
but what always comes
to the surface
is the blank look
i remember
the always searching for
something
be it sound
meaning
a sarcastic comment
a dig
i remember you as
being empty
you were always this
hovering,
this is my house
i am in control
do what i say
person…
i don’t think
any
one
person
ever feared you
but something about
you
ruled them
held them hostage
comforted them
even when you
let loose your
tsunami of
accusations
hurling
arrows so fast
it pinned us all
to the depths
of your
world…
why do we need
good memories
if all we can feel
it a sad loss
for what could
and should have
been?
it’s ok
to let people go
i
know
this…


yet still
as i hit my mid 50’s
do i want
that one
soul
connection
with him.
that’s all i need
is one golden strand
etched
within my heart
so when
you do take your last breath
when you are
no longer reachable to
cut me down by phone
or to randomly text
me bizarr messages
i want to know
with certainty
i was loved
by
you
and that this
stitching
heals
bandages
spreads
like warm honey
over
true
memory of you.
instead
my phone rings…
it’s you
i pick up
and once more
i can hear
the flat
i am doing my duty
tone
revealing to me
“when i die
don’t come home.
when i die
there will be
no service.
when i die
i will sit next
to your mother…”
i don’t question you
nor do i deny you
your wish,
i simply say,
“ok. dad.”
the conversation ends
and i wonder
WTF?
this man
the one who provided for me
and my siblings
who loved my mother
who was loved
even though he was
‘born broken’


is a door i can never open
because there is no handle
no window to peer inside
no key or hinges exist
he lives a happy life
remarried
for over 25 years
and just won’t let me in.
he won’t be alone with me
refused to travel to his
grandsons wedding
will never see
or hold his new
great grandson…
is he feeble?
homebound?
hell no.
he is nearly 88,
just got his
drivers license renewed
is in good health
but will not
under any circumstances
come see me
or any of his kids-ever-
unless we travel to him.
so i search
for one memory
i want to cling to
and unfortunately
the only one that comes to mind
are his words
when our mother died
“i know you all wish it was me,
and so do i…”
what do i do with this?
some people say,
‘go see him’
others say,
‘let it go’
more than ever i hear
‘yeah i understand my dad/mom
is like that too’
i don’t want to not see him again
but i also don’t want to expose
myself to the hateful stare
of his wife
the knowing of how she feels
about me
just to maybe
hear the needle in the haystack words
from my father,
“sher, i love you. i am so proud of you.”
or maybe even hear,
“i’m sorry…”
neither of those will happen
so i sit in the quiet moments
at my mothers table
trying desperately to churn
up one sweet chunk of him
all the while hearing him yell
at my mother,
“get rid of this table and bring mine back…”
for today
i release him to the
gentle wind
which floats in
and around my tiny
beach shack of a home
that is filled with
my mothers colors
my art
my love
for a man
and a family
my father
will never get to know
because
he chose
to stop growing
stop learning
stop loving
the pieces
of a life
that he was part
of creating
but buried
30 years ago…

Read More there’s that f’ing memory at nautilus teachings

last birthday before at nautilus teachings

there is was.
on a bright, cool,
sunny morning
at the end of april
in one small instant
while i sipped on
my morning coffee
the waterfall in the pool
serenaded me
the soft, shadowed memory
of you
hit me.
unexpected as it was
i let it encompass me
i grabbed my computer
lit a candle
sat at your table
and asked God
and all the angels
in heaven
on earth
and all around us
to welcome you
home.
i breathed in
the memory of your smile
the soft fragrance of
what was you
i looked into your deep
chocolate chip cookie eyes
and
just
fell.
Memories…
we cannot control them,
nor do we want to.
at moments notice
we can summon them
through old photos,
we can still ourselves
in our favorite spot
and begin the
unwinding
of their reel,
let the tethering movement
of the gentle ticking
of time
lead us down the path
of what was
at one time
you
and
me.


yet, for the most part
when someone we love dies
we tend to let go of
release
cast out to sea
the binding tie
this person had
upon our heart.
we do this,
not to forget
but to ease
the tight, suffocating,
fogging our brain,
cannot find the energy
hold
their memory
has upon normalcy
routine
and getting back
into our lives.
i gaze around my home
the yellow walls
remind me of
the soft, shag carpet
i had in my room as a child.
the various shades of turquoise
reflect the memory
of you
standing by this table
work skirt on
with a black sleeveless top
smile upon your face
slicing into what would be
your last birthday
before…
my mind shifts to
the stark white paper
i type upon
the bleak stale empty
canvas peering at me
from across the room
the flickering glow
cast from the flame
of my candle
which summons you
to the forefront of my mind.
All of these are shades
of that day.
My dark oak
contrasting floors
to the color which surrounds them
lie hard, stiff and worn
like the stethoscope
surrounding his neck
as he spoke
those words
in the room of every shade
of white one could imagine
with the glow of the sun
streaming in through the window
reflecting off the shiny silver medallion
hanging around his neck
which listened to your heartbeat
over and over.
you have leukemia.


today
this is not a death sentence.
today
when these words are given
it symbolizes the clanging bell
of reality…
you will be in for the fight of your life
but
you
will
win.
30 years ago,
it
was
death.
i am in my car
windows and sunroof open
slowly driving down A1A
the air is crisp for
the end of april
the music lulling me
into calm peace.
the light turns red
my breaks remove the movement
of power
as i sit glancing
all around my sleepy town.
there is nary a car on the road
and it is 9:45a.m.
just two weeks ago
life here on this road
was maddening.
i smile as the light turns green
slowly accelerate
when from behind
in a soft blue car
with the sun almost glazing
her cheeks
as her short white hair
ruffles with the breeze
i see her…
she smiles
as if she knows
she is my gift
from God
she is the don’t blink now
or i will be gone message
that nudge from God
that she’s still here.


memories
they hit us at the weirdest times
in the most unlikely places
when we are least expecting it.
a few years ago i caught
her scent on my morning jog
i’ve caught her image
in line at the grocery store
heard her voice
from across the sanctuary
at church…
those we love,
though their physicality
may have left as
their ashes have been set
adrift at sea
or they lie in a
nailed shut box
behind a granite wall
in a bleak, stale,
to quiet for comfort
mausoleum
still surround us
this is what love is.
the connection
of one heart to another
that can never be broken
even
in
death.
mother’s day
is nearly here
so i am not surprised
by this returning
of you.
i walk briskly by the
huge selection of cards and flowers
at every store
i scroll by the many happy photos
gatherings
celebrations
of everyone and their moms
on social media
and i wonder
what do my children
hold most in memory
about me?
the boys are asleep
at my feet
empty boxes
waiting to be painted
beckon me
images of
you
penetrate
my soul
as i turn towards life
kiss my favorite
photograph of you
in your silver bomb
with the red leather interior
top down
huge smile upon your face
Taylor Swifts song best day
pops into my head,
“I didn’t know if you knew
So I’m taking this chance to say
That I had the best day with you today.”

Read More last birthday before at nautilus teachings

Your truth at nautilus teachings

you can never
understand
or agree with
100%
of everything
the person you love
does
thinks
feels
remembers
dwells on…
when you have lived
an abusive
hurt filled life
and then
one day
you
find
love…
life changes.
it does not mean you forget
the horrors of your past
nor can you erase them…
it opens up a clean page
gives you a new canvas
a fresh palette
it convinces your heart
you
are
worthy…
when you feel
true love
for the first time
it changes you.
you wake up happy.
you live loved,
meaning
no fear
no questions
you begin
to trust…
in this trusting
you grow
confidence
worth
strength
you begin for the first time
to
love
yourself…
your head is held high
your eyes focused
your heart
beats out their name
your breaths
are full
and not
erratic,
anxiety
disappears…
for once
you
feel
whole.
being loved
for who you are
is a gift.
what happens
when the memories
come back?


when you wake in
night terrors
start flinching again
when the person you love
tells you
let that shit go
don’t dwell on it
it’s not healthy?
what if
you feel inside
clarity
over old events
you believed were
your fault
yet memories reveal
it was not you
at all, and never was…
what if
you started
remembering
the truth?
what if you refused
to stop
because you knew
deep down
releasing it all
was actually healing you?
what if
the person you loved
disagreed with you?
do you pursue
the unbinding
of fault?
here’s the thing,
only you know
what makes you smile
feel beautiful
or loved
only you
can look into
someones eyes
and know
he
is
the
one…
do you retreat?
give up?
listen and obey?
or do you reach out
wait for the right moment
to tell the person you love
i need this to grow
heal
and love you.


without acceptance of your past
without completely understanding
your part in your past
you cannot give them 100%
of your heart.
is it hard for them to watch you hurt
are they tired of hearing your story?
do they think you need help?
so many questions
you ask of yourself
but what you truly want to say is,
what is wrong with you
how can you not see
i am healing
do i have days when i am mad,
maybe take it out on you?
are there times when i sit
for hours typing away
rehashing memories
to help other people heal too?
why does a line need to be drawn?
why does a journey need to be stopped?
who says what you are doing is wrong?
maybe
just
maybe
what you think
say
write
and
feel
hurts them
because they see a tiny bit
of themselves in your pain
or they want to kill
the person who hurt you
maybe
just maybe
you are hitting to close to home
maybe
instead of striking out
you just hit
a home run
to their soul…
step onto your own path
choose to feel
your life
but never
forget
reality…
you
are
loved
by someone
who hates the fact
that they could never
save you from your past
who wishes they
could just flip a switch
and erase your memory
or unplug your
battery almost dead
sign
flashing in neon signs
across your forehead…
accept
you are worthy of love
let go of the past
unlearn old habits
let all that shit go
and look into the eyes
of the one who silently
sits across the table from you
pleading with their own eyes
for you to see
everything you are blind to
they love you
want you in their life
and are willing to sit with you
during your tsunami’s
of pain
they are your white flag
your sandy beach
the hand that holds you
they
are
your
truth…

Read More Your truth at nautilus teachings

weakness, stupidity, strength at nautilus teachings

500px

the God i believe in
is not punishing
but forgiving and loving,
purposely committing a sin
knowing we are in the wrong
is a human flaw.
there are times we feel weak
so we many have a few drinks
or as i have come to find out
from younger people especially
they smoke a little weed…
some people carry so much shame
they try to hide it with drugs
and alcohol
but the biggest sin committed
daily is telling lies
and i am pretty sure cussing is
a close second.
sure statistics reveal
a large percentage of people
are having affairs,
yet today
people are waiting to get married
some choose to live together
then leave when it gets tough…
the divorce rate is about
40 to 50 percent and the
divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher.
what does that mean for
those of us who are on our
second or third marriage?
lets go back to sher.
she knew seeing peter
that one time was a sin
yet she did it because
she was selfish, immature,
she was too weak to stand up
to her parents her entire life
and afraid to get a divorce
for fear it would kill her mother earlier
than the 6 month time frame…
she truly believed
this would be her life,
a loveless marriage
with maybe another child
membership at the local country club
nice vacations
a beautiful home
she knew she would lack
for nothing?
she settled for a marriage
without conversation
without common interests
for a partner she did not
even like much
who chose his job over
her and their son.
day by day she got thinner
down to 105 again
still chatting via phone
with pete a few times a year
mother dying
absent husband
WTF was she supposed to do?
she treaded water
she took it all
while waiting for her mom to pass.
when her son was 15 months
she buried her mother
pulled herself together
and decided
one more real try to make
her marriage work.
they went on outings with
his business
she played the dutiful wife
after three months of this
after a long trip
via bus to an out of state
football game which ended at a bar
near where everyone had parked their cars
in the middle of all of his friends
with everyone watching
he pulls her aside
and says,
“why are you flirting with my friends?”
‘i wasn’t flirting we were all talking…’
he squeezed her wrist harder
and just as he was about to explode
she wriggled free
and ran out the door
he chased her
grabbed her
and she smacked him across the face
he stumbled back enough
so she could run
and run she did…


she hailed a taxi
went home
paid the sitter
grabbed her suitcase and her son
and was on the way out the door
when WHAM!
he pinned her left side
against the entry wall
unwilling to let go
but spewing enough
poisonous words
to choke anyone.
when he released her
he left…
her son was fine
her shoulder ended up being
torn pretty severely
but she placed her son in his crib
called her boy best friend
and soon he was there.
BHBEG#1
did not return that night
her friend stayed until
she calmed down.
the following day
BHBEG#1 came home
apologetic
asking her to seek
counseling
she looked at him
and said,
‘no, it’s way to late for that,
i want a divorce.’
finally she would be free.
what would have happened
if dory was still alive?
if she had never gotten sick?
sher would have stayed.
she would have gone to
the counselor
she would have prayed
for it all to end
while at the same time
becoming a pro at wearing masks,
because she would have had
her mom to lean on
complain to
vent to
a shoulder to cry on
a knowing hand to hold…
when the one person
we love the most dies
we are lost bobbing at sea.
when a girl loses her mom
it’s as if you sucked all the air
out of her lungs
her heart is beating
at half the rate,
not to mention
her head becomes mush
thinking clearly is almost
impossible.


many people lose spouses
never to attach again
some get lost in depression
and then there are the
“normal people?”
the ones who can suck it up
move on quickly
remarry
shake it off
accept that loss is just
part of life
they may lose themselves in their work
or their family
they may take up new hobbies
or fall even deeper into their faith
some still turn to vises
and become encompassed in those
to numb, dull and keep at bay the pain.
then there are those that rebel
or in sher’s case
try rebellion
she got divorced
found a job
moved in with a
beach bum bartender
as her father called him
married for a second time
got pregnant
had two children
all the while still talking
to pete randomly
going to church
stashing money
and waiting for the perfect time
to once more be free.
divorced again?
not until she allowed him
to abuse her for 15 years
not until she finally had enough
of his lies and fowl mouth
not to mention
a secret life of his own
after he abandoned her
and her three kids
finding solace
in the arms of a fellow
crack whore
did she finally stand up
and say fuck you to her life,
then fell to her knees
saying,
Lord, forgive me
for what i am about to do.
Lead my life.
from this day forward
i am yours…

Read More weakness, stupidity, strength at nautilus teachings

living a lie at nautilus teachings

we are born sinners.
living a life of obedience
does not mean
you are without sin
but it does mean
you become very good
at hiding,
not just yourself
not just your voice
but in some cases
double lives…
no one is perfect
and striving to live a life
of perfection
will cause you to be
anxiety ridden
and full of stress…
sher’s body was in overdrive
she had lost so much weight
before the wedding
that her strapless bra
slid down to her
ribbon tied waist
during the ceremony.
now
before her
was
peter
they disappeared
into a empty meeting room
peter had apologized for
being too late to stop the wedding
she walked back to her reception
and greeted her mother with
“I was feeling so faint
i sat down in the quiet
for a few minutes,
i think i need to eat..”
no one really noticed she was gone
this made her sad.
sher’s heart was heavy
but she had just
obeyed all the rules
and was now married.
peter had left her with a
long passionate kiss
and said,
“i will see you in a few months
for the sorority weekend?!”
oh, shit!
sher nodded
and then put on her
Mrs. mask for the
very first time.
even thinking about
committing adultery
is a sin.


here she was
21
married to the wrong man
obeying her parents wishes
in a room of people
who loved her and BHBEG#1…
as she walked towards the table
where BHBEG#1was
she heard the best man
and another groomsmen speaking,
“BHBEG#1 could have done better…”
wtf?
this hurt her, yes
but she held her head high
and decided
i can
and
will
make this work!
a long honeymoon
which was lovely
led them to beginning
a new life
peter still called
they still wrote
he was engaged
and wanted to see her
one last time-
the sorority trip was on
was she  now
going to commit a sin?
as luck would have it
her mom became ill
right before her
‘sorority reunion’
and she did not go.
january came
with another trip to the hospital
and then the diagnosis
leukemia
giving her 6 months live.
pete wanted to come see her
to hold her
she said no.
he married that spring
and was soon going to be a dad.
sher thought,
‘maybe if i am pregnant
this will give mom a reason
to fight to live…’
she was soon
expecting her first child.
dory was over the moon
BHBEG#1
was not.


he was not ready
he wanted a better job
to buy a house
save more money…
sher
did
not
care.
the time flew by
peter and sher
talked
every now and then
but they were both
starting families
her son was born
her mom was still alive
and life was ok.
BHBEG#1
worked long hours
making good money
they were building a house
but there just was no like
in the love…
neither one of them
really liked one another
and it was proof
with his absence
be it work
golf
or up north
with his folks…
sher did travel with him
on those weekends north
but soon stopped
as she spent the time
with just her son
while the “boys”
golfed, skied and played cards
the girls were expected
to cook, clean
and chat.
she
had
become
her
mother.
right before sher’s birthday
peter called.
“hey schultz.
i would love to see you…”


‘what about our spouses?’
“they will never know.
i can send you
the sorority letter
we used in the past…
what do you say?
ready for a weekend away?”
for the first time
in a long time
she not only smiled
but butterflies danced
in places that had not
in years…
her mother was having
more bad days than good
but her father still insisted
mom was going to live.
so sher drove
to see peter,
leaving her son
with his dad.
what
a
weekend!
she felt 18 again,
his crooked fingers
and soft hands
traveled to familiar places…
they laughed
loved
and talked…
this.
THIS
is what
she wanted,
needed
and missed-
connection.
BHBEG#1
never talked to her
only told her what to do
where to be
what not to do…
the two
lovers
knew
this would never
happen again
it was their final goodbye.
as sher packed up to leave
peter held her tight.
“we cannot do this again.
it’s to hurtful to our spouses
and children…”
‘i know…’
they both shed a few tears
then got in their cars
he drove north,
she south.
she stopped at her moms house
only to find out
mom was getting worse.
she said to sher,
“dear heart, come over tomorrow
so we can talk…”
this
was
it…
that night the holy spirit
visited sher
the next day
she drove over
opened the front door
and found her mother
unconscious in her bed…
what was running through her head?
is God punishing mom
because of me?

Read More living a lie at nautilus teachings

sexual revolution at nautilus teachings

cheating on a spouse
is a sin,
a deep fissure is formed
between man and woman
of both couples…
if it ends a marriage
children and families
get torn apart suffering
tremendous hurt.
yet,
people still cheat.
i cannot tell you why they do
but i can confirm
something is broken
between them.
i do not endorse infidelity
by any means
but when the human heart
mind, body and soul
feel trapped
unable to catch
their breath
always hiding
secrets from them
when love is pushed to
the limits of take it and endure,
or leave it and loose everything
starting from rock bottom
with little or no furniture,
money
clothes
working a shit job just
to put food on the table
people tend to choose
suffering in silence
withdrawing
drugs, gambling, shopping
spreading themselves to thin…
according to the Journal of
Couple and Relationship Therapy,
approximately 50 percent of married women
and 60 percent of married men
will have an extramarital affair
at some time in their marriage.
And since it is unlikely
that the people having affairs
are married to each other
in every case,
the current statistics on the percentage
of married couples who cheat on each other
means that someone is having an affair
in nearly 80 percent of marriages.


now, let’s journey back
to sher.
men controlled her life
the abuse she suffered
as a child
confirmed
men were pukes,
but they were necessary
to provide for you.
this holds no water today,
but you must take your mindset
back to the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s.
inside of her, every definition of man
was a governing bully
who called all the signals
and dominated women…
the men held the purse strings
instructed them what
they could and could not do
all while silencing
the voices
of what they saw
as the duties of a good wife-
women obeyed…
sure women were great
for cooking, cleaning, sewing,
raising the children,
woman abandoned their dreams
let go of wanting
and were resigned to live
the life laid out by their
mothers, grandmothers
and every generation before them…
There was sexual liberation,
which had something to do
with women liberating themselves
in the bedroom, too,
but had as much to do with
loosening norms around sex.
In 1960, half of 19-year-old women
who were unmarried
had not yet had sex.
By the late 1980s,
as Nancy Cohen points out,
two-thirds of all women
had done the deed by age 18.
The year 1972 alone
saw the publication
of such groundbreaking books
as “The Joy of Sex” and “Open Marriage.”


today,
most parents I know
are happy to see their
young adult children
try on several partners
before they marry…
they do not want them
going what they went through
divorce(s)!
no one tells you when you bring home
this tiny bundle of joy
that in 15-25 years
this cute little
i want to kiss you all over
beauty you created
out of love
will look you in the eyes
and say,
“i hate you…”
nor can parents ever imagine
their adorable little
mini them’s
would step out of the box
they were raised and
not believe in God
get hooked on drugs
and in some cases
never call their parents again…
this
THIS
is why
sher obeyed
this
THIS
is why
she stayed…
the fear she lived in
controlled every aspect of her life
she was raised to believe
women cannot parent alone
women cannot make it alone
women need to shut up
and obey
she had no idea
each and every man
she loved,
which is twisted,
i know
every single one of them
she would one day
come to learn
they were fighting
inner demons,
battling low self worth,
were themselves,
being tormented…
girls were weaker
girls were targets
girls obeyed…
the entire sexual revolution
that was going on in the world
was not going on in sher’s house-
sure dory rebelled a little
by getting a job
working her way to the top
having her own credit cards
buying a car all by herself
not to mention
replacing her fathers
ugly table
with an antique…
and yes,
sher saw all of this
but she also came home
to her mother crying in the darkness
by the phone
or in her bedroom
after being verbally abused
by one of her sons
only to end the day
with hearing her father
tell her mother
she was a bad mom…
how do you process all this
when you go to choose
a life long partner,
do you obey?
or
do you begin living
a lie while portraying submission?
think about her thoughts.
how at such a young age,
her first love,
was a very good guy
yet she did as she was told
marrying their choice of man
fulfilling the dreams of
the mother she loved so much
who was her best friend
and wanted her daughter
to have everything she did not…
what would you do
if the man you really loved
showed up at your wedding?
take his hand?
have the affair?
how long would you, yourself
have remained imprisoned?
could you,
would you,
have walked away?
I can tell you at the very
moment she saw him
she was not thinking
WWJD,
her first thought
was oh, shit!

Read More sexual revolution at nautilus teachings

the obedient daughter at nautilus teachings

we are all let down
at some point in our lives…
some are tiny,
others are life changers.
Sher found herself all alone.
She found an apartment,
a job,
registered for school
and began a new life.
friends were easy to make
but every party she
went to
everyone was doing drugs,
and since sher did not
herself partake of any drug-
especially after seeing her
two brothers almost
ruin their lives with them,
she found herself
all
alone.
she also was racking up
long distance phone bills
to BHBEG#1
and peter.
Peter was dating
the cousin of his hs sweetheart
but the two of them
still wrote letters
and chatted from
time to time.
Life was moving on.
Sher was in her new place
for only two months when
she landed in the hospital.
her mother flew down
to take care of her for
a few days:
diagnosis-needs to eat and drink water
she was basically down to
105 lbs from 125
nothing interested her.
being with Dory was
like old home week
mom cooked, cleaned
and made sure sher
began a healthy eating plan.
the day Dory flew home
sher walked in and found a letter
her mother had left her
“if there was one thing i wish for you
it was that you had more fun in your life,
you need to laugh…”
love, mom


things with BHBEG#1
were getting serious
over the phone and in letters.
he asked her to move home,
sher obeyed.
it’s hard to break a cycle
you learn since birth
we have to change our mindset
unlearn
and then accept and embrace
a new way of living…
sher had not done this yet.
she moved home in December
after she finished her semester,
selling everything she could not
pack or box up and ship.
christmas was spent
at BHBEG#1’s
family home-
her first ever away from her parents
and in some ways this made her feel strong-
i can do this
no big deal
sure it will be different
but i can do it!
BHBEG#1
took sher to dinner
the day after christmas
and popped the question,
“ya know sheri, i love you,
will you be my wife?”
there it was.
another proposal.
she knew her parents loved him
her mother told her
“he is the perfect man for you.
he will give you everything you need.
a house with a white picket fence
membership to the country club
children
travel,
just a good life…”
so,
sher
obeyed.
she nodded her head yes
then barely whispered yes
as he placed the ring upon her finger
her heart raced back to
the chapel
peter
college…
his parents were not ecstatic
because they knew this meant
he would be moving 140 miles south…
her parents were thrilled
because now they could rest easy
knowing their daughter was set for life.
upon arriving home
after hugging her parents
showing them the ring
and a early meal
sher retreated to her room
picked up the phone and called pete.
she filled him in on the events.
his response was
“let’s meet for a long weekend…”
she told BHBEG#1
and her parents
about a fake sorority retreat
then got in her car
and headed up towards God’s country.


this would be the first of many trips
to see her college love
the man she really wanted to marry…
the wedding plans took over her life
with many showers
dress fittings
parties…
a month before her wedding
her dad called her
“sher, this is dad.
Listen, mom’s in the hospital
she had a heart attack…”
sher fell to her knees
and cried,
“i’m sorry, Lord. you know i love peter
but i will give him up if you save my mom”
bargaining, sheri, really?!!
mom survived
and on the night before her wedding
late at night,
peter called.
“listen, Schultzy, I’ve been thinking…
i don’t want you to marry him.
what time is your wedding
and where is it at.
i’’m driving down
and picking you up…”
sher packed a bag and barely slept.
she paced back and forth in her
wedding gown
when the pastor came up and asked
“what’g going on sheri?”
she spilled it all.
the pastor put out his hand and said,
“take my hand. i will lead you out
and explain it all to your parents
and BHBEG#1.”
sher paused,
tears were welling up
when her mother entered
“oh, sher, you look beautiful,
you ready?”
she sucked in her breath
looked at the pastor
nodded her head
and said,
‘let’s do this…’
peter had not shown up
this
was
a
sign.
the wedding went well
and was beautiful
no sooner had
they arrived at the reception
when a worker tapped her shoulder
“ma’m can i speak to you?”
sher stepped away from the crowd
“there is a ‘pete’ here to see you?”
omg what did i just do?
she quietly excused herself
followed the worker
down a long hallway or two
and
there
he
was.
hand extended
tears in his eyes
“schultz-you look beautiful”
together hand in hand
they left.

Read More the obedient daughter at nautilus teachings

realist/idealist~you pick at nautilus teachings

are you a realist?
a person who accepts a situation as it is and is prepared to deal with it accordingly:
an artist or writer whose style is characterized by the representation of people or things as they actually are:
or are you an idealist?
a person who is guided more by ideals than by practical considerations:
utopian, visionary, wishful thinker, pipe-dreamer, fantasist
sher was a mix of both
although her words written
in her diary were truth
her mouth just would not follow suit
come the end of her freshman year
after enjoying being peters girl
she told him
she just could not marry him
she was too young
and had no idea what she wanted in life…
which in some ways was truth
but her heart knew
it
was
a
lie…
the summer arrived
BHBEG#1
called her up
inviting her to his folks
lake house
and to travel in a motor home
with he and his friends
to a waterski show.
it sounded fun
so she said yes.
her heart still belonged to peter
but this guy was cute and nice
so sher decided
heart breaking or not
she would push on…
was she brave?
not in the slightest.
she was afraid of being alone
and wanted desperately to
be out from under her fathers thumb.
if she were strong
stubborn
and driven like her mom
was in everything accept
her marriage
sher would have stood up
to her dad
moved to God’s country
and spent a summer trying on
peter and his family-
she will never know.
this will eat at her
for the rest of her life.
has this every happened to you?


living with regret is never recommended
it can ultimately tear you apart inside
in sher’s case
she took her love for peter
sewed it to her soul
and went on with life…
summer was fun! her and
BHBEG#1
had a fun time.
he was going to be a senior
at his chosen university
and sher would go back
to Carthage
which was in the same city
peter was playing semi pro football.
would she see him?
they had chatted over the summer
long, dreamy conversations
about life, many times
and he still held the key
to her heart.
Sophomore year started out
with her pledging to a sorority
which led her to crazy antics
like stealing pumpkins
with her fellow pledges
from a local farm,
only to be caught
by a very kind police officer
who completely got pledging
so he posed for a pic with them
then took the pumpkins back
and let them off the hook…
of course they dressed in hoodies
with bandanas tied around their faces
dark jeans and boots…
college life was just fun!
sher dated a few more guys.
they were funny and kind
but no one filled peters slot.
one day
pete
showed
up
at
her
door…
“hey schultzy! I have missed you.”
OMG! sher thought she would faint.
she wrapped him up in a huge hug
dragged him in her dorm room
and showed him just how much she missed him!
for the rest of the season
they saw each other whenever he was free.
the holidays loomed
and he was once more off to California
until the end of January.
Sher had chosen to stay home this break
so when he called asking her to pick
him up from the airport
then take him to
the bus station
she gladly and very quickly
said , YES!


the day was snowy and cold.
she would be going back to school
in two days for the spring semester
seeing peter was a nice treat.
they spent the day laughing
loving and hanging out
until it was time for him to catch his bus
back to God’s country.
His plan was to look for a teaching job
find a wife and settle down.
hers was to accept this
grow the fuck up
and move on.
that one day
for those short few hours
were the one of the best times
she had ever shared with him
for once she had taken off
all her masks
and bared the soul of who she really was
to the man she loved.
he agreed,
and told her so in a letter.
she kept writing to BHBEG#1
sometimes they talked on the phone
she talked to peter often
wrote him letters also
and once in a while dated
a few guys just for fun.
Sher decided she needed to leave school
and try on a new one
so the plan was junior year
at the university of tucson, az
BHBEG#1
said he wanted to go with her
and look for a job
so the two of them set off
in his car,
pulling her tiny car
packed with all her stuff
all the while sher could not
stop thinking about peter,
maybe BHBEG#1is
the one for her?
the night before they were
to pull into AZ
at a small cute hotel
in new mexico
after a long days drive
a great meal and a swim in the pool
sher and BHBEG#1
opened a bottle of champaign
to toast their adventure
only BHBEG#1
said,
“listen, sher, I have been thinking,
i cannot leave my parents
and my home town and move
all the way here.
so i will drop you off and then i am heading home…”
really?
was this what life
was going to throw at her now?
maybe, she thought, life was to be lived alone…

Read More realist/idealist~you pick at nautilus teachings