feeling off at nautilus teachings

feeling off at nautilus teachings

 

 

“be KIND
for everyone you meet
is fighting a battle
you know nothing
about…”

how
do
you
know?

how
can
you
know?

should
you
care?

life can throw us
curve balls
at any time
in our tiny lives…
for the most part
people are good
at putting on masks
and covering up
their battles,
flaws, losses, pain…

they are fabulous
at showing off
all their trophies
accomplishments
awards
their kids straight A
report card
photos of their new
grandchild
their new car,
house
and let’s not forget
their new purse,
necklace
surfboard
bike…

but
what if
the person
your hired,
are working with,
sit next to in church,
your neighbor
acquaintance at the gym
favorite publix
deli person
or check out
is holding on to something
so tight
they mess up?
overcharge you?
drop your eggs?
paint your wall the wrong color?
or just act
as if they have
never seen you before?

call it brain farting
baby brain
brain fog
absentmindedness
forgetful
early stages of
dementia…
but
someone you know
is just plain
OFF,,,,


sure,
we all have those days…
for some of us
its weeks
months
even years
when the inside of us
is so torn up
whether it is ravaged by disease
wracked with pain
empty from loss
or just plain exhausted
from stress and demands
we somehow
just
are
blank
appear unfeeling
are impatient
with everyone
and every thing
unable to sleep
let alone
sit with someone
who needs you
to really listen…
now,
throw in
two hurricanes
in one year
and whatever
that did to someones
job
home
or personal life
add to it
the death of a parent
child
or even beloved pet
not to mention
the social media wars
plastered all over your
devices screen
every
fucking
time
you
glance at it…
have you turned
on the television lately
and taken 10 minutes
to see how wounded
our world really is?
how many people are
suffering
from the loss of
a loved one who was
just murdered in a senseless crime?

life
can
be
overwhelming
and
we do all need a
group hug
regardless of
our political views
religious affiliation
sexual orientation
ethnicity
or income level…
some of us
need a long time out
some
a padded room
still others
a beach chair
on a deserted island…
for most of us
we need peace
sleep
comfort
love
home
acceptance
forgiveness
kindess
gratitude
silence…
every one of those
being
FREE

each day
as you rise
and welcome a
new day
another chance
a do-over
a mulligan
whatever you call it,
every day
i ask you to be patient
offer a listening ear
grab someone in a bear hug
buy the next person in lines coffee
open a door
offer a helping hand
take the time to
rub your dogs tummy
kiss your spouse
and hold your children
marvel at your grandchild’s
every move
cook a meal to nourish
the ones you love
slow down
look around
at all the small gifts-
air to breath
clean water to drink
running water to bathe in
fresh veggies
and fruit in our stores
to purchase
and munch on
clothes for our backs
soft sheets to fall in to
cars to drive
unlimited gas supply
waves to ride
beaches to walk…
the list goes on
and on…

we are all imperfect
all have flaws
in some way
all are broken…
some people
just can handle it better
have bigger shoulders
and can brush stuff off…
i am asking you all
to have empathy
compassion
understanding
that regardless
of what you
may think
about the person
who seems
absent,
share
with them
the gift of touch
a smile
a knowing glance…
just for once,
begin to rise up
each day
and repeat
over and over
the art
of
being
a
good
human…

 

Read More feeling off at nautilus teachings

traveling home to ourselves at nautilus teachings

traveling home to ourselves at nautilus teachings

 

when i wake
tomorrow morning
i will be in
my own bed
snuggled deep
in my soft sheets
hopefully deeply dreaming
of a time
when life
settles…
the past night
was spent in a
4 star hotel with a
very comfortable bed
and attached was a sheet and blanket
that sounded and felt
like newspapers
delivering no warmth,
while the
weighted comforter
was piled upon the floor,
alone…
what is with these weighted top covers
hotels are using?
we hate them.
they hurt our aging bodies
and make us feel
claustrophobic
unable to sleep
plus there is no longer
and extra blanket for us
to warm our chilled,
aching bones…
i feel right now
as if i am a giant crashing wave
pounding the sandy shore
screaming
look at me
turn your eyes
still yourself
and just
look at me…
life has been a 24/7 mix
of having to
schedule this,
making time for
working fast to get this done,
only to find more things
wrong
and needing my attention…
every ounce of my body
aches
hurts
and when i stand
OMG
i have to do it very
slowly…
but still
tomorrow
i get to open my tired self
and gaze upon my
turquoise walls,
place my aching feet
upon the soft, silky wooden floor
take out the boys
and fall back
into
routine…
or
will
i?


life has not known normalcy
since before Irma.
to be exact…. for us
it was august 28th
the day the madness
stress
preparing
watching
praying
became a daily
integrated part of my day…
since then,
we have been tearing out
throwing away
and reinventing
our old life-
molding
and creating it
into a new
yet still the
same o, same o
ordinary
continuance
of
what we want
to give back
heal
help
color
to this world…
right now
after nearly 60 hours
of d and i
go, go, going
working
traveling
painting
celebrating
preparing
we are beat
we are 100%
very thankful
for the clean
eating and living we do
after being fed
processed, chemically infused
“nourishment”
which kept
both of us up all night
and leaving us
feeling
outside our bodies
frustrated
and a bit angry
at the fact that
no matter where we go
the food we are served
is full of preservatives
chemicals
and stuff that
f’s us up…
we eat clean
we eat real
pure
fresh…


so tonight
as we sit down
upon our soft sofa…
our bodies washed clean
of the days dust and grime
fresh yummy dinner scents
filling our home,
as the boys
rest peacefully
at our feet,
we take a ginormous
breath in
give thanks to God
begin to eat our dinner
as we both pause
slow our bites
and relish
the fact
that
together we have built
this healthy
wonderful
life
and
after
the weekend we had
decided
we must
make a plan
for traveling
just as precise
as we make our plans
for hurricane season
we must be as meticulous
with our sleep/food packing
as we are
an evacuation plan…
right now
the sun has set
the sky is dark
we are listening to our
recording of
cbs sunday morning
our bellies are happy
we are relaxed
and both of us
looking forward
to our evening tea
and slowly
unfurling our aching bones
into our own soft bed
dogs snoring at our feet
and then rising up
tomorrow morning
filled with gratitude
that God has chosen
to grace us with
another day
filled with the every day
rituals
we both cherish
knowing
these tiny lives we
partake in
are as important to us
as the putting on
and taking off of storm shutters
stocking up on water
and still drinking it months later
filling up our coolers
with our favorite food
each time we venture out,
all the while knowing,
we are gifted
the safety
of returning home
every day
one
at a time
only
and forever
by
God…

 

 

Read More traveling home to ourselves at nautilus teachings

traditions at nautilus teachings

traditions at nautilus teachings

 

traditions
are woven
into us.
they are
the golden threads
which tether
us to memory
of people
places
and a time
which we can never
return to
except
from within…
i hold on to very few pieces
of sentimental value…
as a matter of fact
all i have
is my mother’s table
and a few of her personal items…
when my father passes
i cannot think of one
materialistic thing i would like,
except a few photographs
and maybe if he’s hung on to
anything i have given/made him…
my kids have already
been given the freedom
to take anything they wish
while i am still alive
if it truly holds value to them-
for instance my son
took the rocking chair
my mother bought me
when he was born…
does he use it?
probably not,
but it does sit in our
grandsons room
and i do get to rock him in it
once in a blue moon…
when i sit in that chair
with Ry
i feel my mom
i see my moms hands
i remember my son
as a baby
and as i rock
my heart fills up…


today
i sold
my
Lenox Christmas china
all the stemware
platters
lead crystal bowls
and glass blown
serving utensils
all properly wrapped
in all the original boxes
packed away safely
in 3 rubbermaid bins
to a wonderful soul
who still believes
in family rituals
she made the pain
in separating from
all of these “things”
i love much easier…
it breaks my heart
to witness
the end of traditions
in much of society…
i understand newlyweds
see no use for china
or wish to proudly display
their great grandmothers
christmas angels…
i am aware
that very few families
actually have the
weekly ritual of cleaning
the house
and doing laundry together
let alone cooking…
i see very few young peeps
pulling weeds
or mowing the grass
because all of them
have such scheduled lives
of to many activities
that even sitting down
and playing cards
a board game
blowing bubbles
drawing with chalk
playing hopscotch
is just all left in the past…
you already know i
very much dislike seeing any child
under the age of 10 with their nose
stuck in any type of device
but worldwide
this is what they do-


no one
talks
no one sits around
the table
sharing stories
about their day
and i am thinking it is impossible
for them to even be entertained at all
by simply
gazing at the stars
roasting a hotdog
or marshmallow
over an open fire…
do kids even eat
real s’mores anymore?
the traditions i was raised in
built my belief system
it’s where i learned values
it’s how i grew through faith
learned compassion
to listen
give
love
and just give a damn
about other humans…
traditions
are dying
in our
good ole USA
no more
apple pie
chevrolet
and baseball…
now,
there is violence,
football players
disgracing our flag
by pulling a knee…
it appears as if
no one cares
about hurting
another individual
at all
and
this saddens me…
d and i proudly
fly our American flag
outside our home
every day…
we go to church
we pray
we support our family
neighbors and friends
we donate
we give
we help
we do all this
not because we have to
but because
it’s
who
WE
are…
we
are
AMERICANS
we
believe
in
TRADITIONS
and even if i don’t get to set
my christmas table
with
my lenox china and crystal
we will still
celebrate
christmas eve
and day the same
we will still hang stockings
we will still go to church
we will still draw
our family close
year after year
until we take our last breath,
because when our children
remember us,
when our grandchildren
tell stories about us
it won’t be the dishes
they remember
it will be
rituals
of togetherness
laughter
acceptance
forgiveness
love
and the most important
faith-
not just in God
but in America
and in humanity
as a whole…
or
maybe they will
all roll their eyes
shake their heads
smile
and say,
“granny and pop were crazy….
let me tell you what they did…”

 

 

 

Read More traditions at nautilus teachings

insideout at nautilus teachings

 

Out
Inside

Walking through the doorway
Colors blind me
Peeking in the window
Tubes of paint splatter
Rolling back the rugs
To reveal encirlced blue ocean droplets
And cleaning up the pieces
Of the scattered puzzles of my life

I stand tall
A slight bend in my trunk
Branches stretching out and up
I have been swung upon,
Scarred
Cut open
My roots
Weak from age
I reach upward
Knowing
My Shell
Does not
Echo
My
Soul…

Annual rings
Date my life
Rusted keys
Shine from golden chains
Padlocks
Gone, no doors exist
Broken glass
Pieced together form brilliant hues
Seeping wounds
No longer drip but glisten
Cornered darkness
Now reveals soft curves
I am a kaleidoscope
Twist me and I unfurl

i was born
Law abiding
Obedient
Control freak
OCD beauty
Boundaried
Cornered
Hushed
Black clothed
Perfectionist

but now,
I break every rule
Listen only to me
Color outside lifes story lines
Am makeup free with long whispy hair
I roam this earth
Sailing vessels, climbing mountains
Singing my soul words
Wearing tattoos of my life
I am a fighter in a lesbian porn movie

Curled up within the dark corners
My eyes are filled with water
My hands hold my bleeding heart
My words my only truths
My paintings speak my life
My sails are full, wind at my back
I can see a colorful garden of choices to behold
Surrounded by love, protected by faith
I no longer stutter, my words in harmony with my lips
Black edges released I am a blending of many palettes

Peel back my layers
I am the wave that breaks the straight lines of life
Pluck the petals
I am the silent wishes which float with the breeze
Untwist the fabric
I am the tie dyed, sun kissed, cotton sheeting
Let the gutters fill and overflow
I am the drip drops of color upon the blank canvas of my life

Inside-Out

I awake to fish friends greeting me
Nightmares gone
My feet hit early pavement and I am free
Thoughts and images cleared
I surround myself with light, color and faith
The past burned, ashes floating away
I smile knowing I am free, I am good
Words and knives bounce off me
I am living inside out
with pieces of me
Reflecting off
the calm waters
Of my life…
and should a tsunami
a upwelling from my past emerge
what then?
i am now holstered
with strength
dignity
voice
all held together
with my faith…
push me further?
i am armed
with protection
in the knowledge
that i am trained
i think clearly
and if ever my life
or the life of those
i love
is threatened
i can hit a target
without blinking
from 100 yards away…
it may have taken me a while
to know
i am no longer small
and embrace the truth

I
Am
Fucking
alive

it is not my job to judge
to demean
to belittle
to put down…
if you are my friend
i am riding in your pocket
whispering over and over
“you’ve got this”
“i’ve got your back”
“have faith”
“believe in yourself”
urging you to memorize
the words of our Father,

“I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me”
Philippians 4:13

let your inside
live on the outside
show the world
what a beautiful
person
you are,
without fear,
hesitation
or regret!
you’ve got this…

 

Read More insideout at nautilus teachings

connection at nautilus teachings

connection at nautilus teachings

 

 

my mom and dad
are both sitting at
my mothers table…
it is early on a saturday,
in the late 1970’s…
my dad,
coffee cup in hand
looking a bit tired
with his one lazy
big brown eye.
he gently
tap, tap, taps his
mug onto the
glossy wooden table…
my mother,
who’s coffee is pitch black
compared to my
dad’s sugar and creamed one
sits still,
her eyes are cast downward
as she gracefully rubs
the soft wood of
her table-
the one she bought
with her own money…
“well, sher…
you know,”
my father takes a long pause
he never does
anything fast,
“God will never give you
more than you can handle.
you need to see the message
in what is going on in your life
you need to talk to God
and then be patient…”
my mother is nodding her head
in agreement
she reaches for his hand
and i can see the quiet
strong
undeniable love
and commitment
they have for one another…
my mother begins to speak
“you know, sher, when we moved here,
and left our home
i was scared.
i had no friends
or family
besides you guys…
but every time i prayed
God answered.
first i got this job
as a secretary
and within 2 years
i was area executive director
of nine counties…
prayer is powerful
dearheart…
God may have ended
one path i was on
but oh how wonderful
this new one is…”
this one memory
still gives me strength
because i know
without God
and my faith,
i
am
nothing.
this is how i was raised.
my parents were imperfect
just like everyone else’s
they had their own struggles
and my two brothers
were hellions
causing severe pain
and hardship to them both
yet,
they never
ever
gave up…
every sunday
we went to church
every day
we prayed
blessing over our food
guidance for our life
cried when we suffered
shouted praises
in good times
but no matter what
we never had more than we could handle
because we had each other…


my mom
and i
were
peas in a pod
and best friends
we did everything
together.
my dad,
once mom found
her voice
wings
and direction,
did pretty much
whatever she said…
the last 2 years
with two hurricanes
my husbands three surgeries
and his forth upcoming,
his mom failing
and now in a nursing home,
my tiny studio
struggling to get
even 5 people
twice a month
in to paint
and helping 5 adult children
navigate various challenges
and celebrations
has been challenging.
YES,
i know how blessed
we are to have not lost
our lives or anything
irreplaceable…
i am thankful
everyone has a job
no one is in jail
or addicted to anything
and i am filled with gratitude
that they all like d and i
and God gifted us
an adorable grandson…
i may be human,
but i am not
stupid…
God has been roaring at me
and i have been listening
but with all the haps
in an ordinary life
i have not taken the time
to listen enough
to open my eyes
and see
what He is trying to tell me…
and then
one day,
the
word~

CONNECTION

plain and simple
it falls from d’s lips
one night
as wiggles his fingers
toward me
and says,
“i just want to connect with you…”
of course i get all
agitated
because in 11 years of marriage
he has never said this,
so of course my pea brain
immediately wanders to,
‘who the F has he been talking to…
that B, i will cut her…’
of course,
now
we joke about
how i overreacted at the time
and we now do our little
finger wiggling connectivity
as joke all the time
both of us ending up giggling…
but in that moment
a time when
i was frazzled
exhausted
and uninspired
when
God was
yelling at me
“hey idiot
it’s about connection…”
i failed Him
i failed d
and i failed me…


a few weeks of sulking
and rolling it all
over and over in my mind
i had a dream
that i was sitting on the steps
across from God
and He said,
“so, sher,
you already know,
i will never give you more
than you can handle,
you know i will close
one door
and open another,
you know i will rip you
from your comfort zone
and your ruts
to wake you up
and grow you
so why now
are you questioning
my word?”
i remember looking
at Him
feeling remorseful
and in need of forgiveness
but instead
i stood tall,
for He taught me
recently
i am no longer small…
i rose up
smiled
and said,
“life is all about
connections, God.
this year i will dedicate
putting this first
and
everything else,
including money,
last…”
I remember feeling a huge hug
i remember feeling forgiven
but mostly
i
connected
with
God
and really
that is the simplicity
of what my parents
were teaching me
my entire life…
go slow
be patient
pray
and
know
God
will never
let
you
down…

 

Read More connection at nautilus teachings

dealing with anger at nautilus teachings

dealing with anger at nautilus teachings

 

what is your reaction
to
anger?
when someone
is yelling at another
person
what is your response?
what if you were
being yelled at
do you scream back?
what is your reaction
when you see a parent
upset with their child
and is raising their voice?
how does
anger
make you feel?

some people
are born fighters
they love a good argument
and are unafraid to
duke it out with words…
some get wounded
internally hit
as if the person elevating
their voice has just
slapped them…
still others turn silent
run
hide
put their hands
over their ears
and wish it to go away…
maybe
you are a bit of all three?
after all
warranted anger
is normal
for humans
and we need to understand
we are imperfect
and all have our
breaking points…

but when is anger
tooooooo much?
do you have a limit?
on a scale of 1-10
with 10 being most tolerant
what is your number?

mine
is
a
ZERO

i hate anger.
i have lost my
composure
too many times
throughout my life
to understand
how damaging it
can be
not just to you,
but to the person you
are yelling at…

our home growing up
was very quiet.
sure, once in a while
my parents would argue,
but rarely,
and i can tell you
for a fact
the few times i remember
as a teen, my parent’s disagreements,
were doosies!
always ending with my mom
being hurt
threatening to leave
and in one case
she actually passed out.
but i believe for the most part
my parents discussed
everything
in private
when no one was around
which i think is
what we all should do,
cut out a space of time
to sit
listen
and really hear
what the person we love
is feeling…
we need to accept
their hurt
or anger
even if we disagree
because it is our job
to love them
unconditionally…
however;
when anger grips you
all senses are lost
and a tsunami
takes over…

i have lived through
one horrendous marriage
full of nasty rancid sewage
spewing forth from
his mouth at me,
in front of friends
family and my kids…
when i finally called it quits
i felt so light, clean
and free
that even today
if d were to get mad at me,
and sometimes he does,
i turn silent
and want to run…
i have no room for anger
in my life
warranted or not
and
YES
sometimes i feel angry
but i scream at the walls
when no-one is around
or i scream and cry
while i am driving alone…
i never
ever
ever
will yell at anyone again-
at least that is
my hope…

i lost it over and over again
with one of my kids
and i beat myself up for it
all the time…
i have been forgiven
and everything is fine
but i learned a hard
and valuable lesson
anger
is not worth
losing
anyone you love
no matter how
tired
frustrated
exhausted
stressed
or betrayed
you feel…

i find aging helps in this matter-
at least with me.
i have lived
through enough
NOISE
to know
the second half of my life
will not
allow it in
i
can’t
i
won’t
end
of
story…

when i see
people argue
i want to shush them both
stand between them
push them apart
like boxers in a  ring
and send them to their corners
to breathe
think
calm down…
when i see a parent
upset with a child,
i
get
it!
as long as they
are not name calling them
stupid, idiot…
or hitting , pushing, or poking them in any way
i
am ok
with some
elevation of voice
just not full on
holy shit
scare the pants off your kid
screaming…
their is a difference
between being firm
and anger
their is a time
and a place…
i was one of those moms
who would leave a full cart
movie theater, ball game…
i would grab my kids hand
load them in the car
to go home to sit
and have a discussion
about their whining or poor behavior
if my kids ever
started acting up
in public…

todays schedules are
over crammed with
too may hours spent at work
stress of getting
all home chores done
ill family or friends
needing support
pets who need to be
washed, walked, run
and loved
not to mention
if you still have them
at home
kids who have a million
tiny demands…
where do we draw the line?
can we?
should we?
how do we?
i love this quote from
Rev. Paul J. Bucknell

“after we have stripped away our anger,
then we can finally put on love
and self control.
without stripping out the root cause for anger,
it is like putting a coat of paint
on a dirty wall. it will peel off in no time…
first strip off the dirt
and then you can lay the paint
right on the wall, and it will stick…
afterwards, real healing can come
when we affirm our purpose of living
to do God’s will, to exert self-control
and to love one another…”the next time

when anger grabs
you by the throat
and you feel
your wick ready to explode
not to mention
ugly words
backing up
inside
ready to destroy
someone you love
for whatever reason,
if you can
somehow
someway
breathe
pray
breathe
pray
pause
or even
just walk away,
do it…
the most important thing
is kindness love
and respect…
our job is to do all three
every day
in the best way we can
and
to
not
let
anger
win…

 

Read More dealing with anger at nautilus teachings

baby carseats and life at nautilus teachings

baby carseats and life at nautilus teachings

 

i am unbuckling
my grandson
from his car seat.
he is sound asleep
his pacifier
has fallen from his
tiny lips
as i struggle
to push the button
unlock
release
let the two side pieces
fall free
before i can
unclasp the middle button
protecting his chest
then slowly peel away
the shoulder harness
lift him gently up
all while trying not to wake him
from his much needed nap…
yes,
he may open his eyes
yes,
i will plug in his ‘binky’
lay him in the cool dark room
with his babies
cover his tiny form
kiss his head
whisper
‘nye, nye’
and quietly exit
his room
knowing
for a moment
maybe an hour
i have some time to
exhale
refocus
and begin
something
anything
the laundry
dinner
writing
paint
read
or in some cases
take a nap tooooooooo!
this
unbuckling
the whole silly process
teaches me
how the simple
over the head
across the waist
one click you are done
with strapping your kid in
is a lost art-
because today
the child needs to be rear facing
until they are 2 years old or 40lbs
and generally some kind of booster
until between 8-12 years
WTF?
my kids
were never rear facing,
were in a booster at 2
and out of it before kindergarten…
with cars being safer
this granny does not understand
sounds like an insurance scam to me…
what if a child is short and tiny
like the rest of their family
does this mean they have to be
in a booster seat until they can drive?
wow!

life is like this
only it’s an unwinding
an untethering
of the threads
which bind us to
our moms
our lives
our friends…
we cannot possibly
or realistically
attach to
hundreds of people
all at the same time
we need
those few strong strands
faith
hope
love
to keep us
flexible
smoothly
harnessed
to our chosen path
for the rest of our lives…

there it is!

just like the car seat…

i don’t ever want to endanger
my grandsons life
so if he needs a carseat
until he is 12
then
BAM
he will be in one!
i don’t ever want to be
disconnected
from my faith
family
friends
so i pray
practice
gratitude
and kindness
every day
and ultimately
try to always be
a good human…

BUT
as my hubby and i agree
all people fail
we are not meant to
be perfect…
so when my grandson
years from now,
looks at me with those
big, blue, gorgeous
pleading eyes of an 8 year old
and says,
‘ya know granny, mom and dad
just let me wear the seat belt…’
will i do the same?
well,
if he’s tall enough
and the strap hits him right
YES!
otherwise
i will smile at him
tell him i love him
and say,
‘i promise no one will see
you in that booster seat
we will park a block away and walk
to the baseball game!’
while i pass him back
his favorite
he only eats it at granny’s-
‘secret treat’
whatever that may be!

i have already
failed
most of the people
who love me
in some way.
i have also apologized
and asked for forgiveness…
all of which was granted
because this is what we do
we protect those we love
we understand
we
fail
we get that we have
bad days
weeks
even months
depending upon the struggle
but we don’t leave
just like we follow
the law for carseats…

“Children between the ages of 3 and 4 who are at least 40 pounds are good candidates for booster seats as long as the lap and shoulder belt fits properly when the child is seated.”

my grandson
has no decisions
in his life
YET.
sure he cries
when he’s hungry
tired
or needs a diaper changed
you can take him
just about anywhere
and he is calm as a cucumber
with a side dish
of mini stranger danger
already surfacing…
like most grandparents
we remember the old days
when our kids were little-
curly golden locks
tiny toes
needing us so much
we did anything and
everything for them..
we taught them to be
adaptable
to form their own ideas
we gave them a solid
faith foundation
taught them right from wrong
held them accountable
loved every
rotten stinky lovable inch of them…
as a grandmother
i will do the same
which is why whenever
i go anywhere with
my grandson
i add an extra 15 min
to each journey
just to get him in and out
of the carseat
and God help me
if i have to set up a stroller
buckle him in
not to mention try to figure out
how to get that dang stroller folded once more…
but every time i unbuckle
and rebuckle
i unravel love for him
knowing he is protected
and safe,
just in case…
each day as i set
him in his daddy’s arms
i reel tightly in
every first
we had that day
all the smiles
the giggles
and the hopes
that one day soon
someone
somewhere
will create
a car
that has automatic
baby seats
locking him in
with a push of
just one button !

 

Read More baby carseats and life at nautilus teachings

do rejected people reject at nautilus teachings

do rejected people reject at nautilus teachings

 

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    it is 4:30 on
a sunday afternoon.
d, strolls in
to give me a kiss
and let me know
he is hitting the hot tub
i am listening to my
weekly online
bible study
which is currently led by
Louis Giglio,
author of
Goliath must fall…
no sooner has d left
when Louis’s words ring out

”rejected people reject
while loved people love…”

i feel my heart
cease
it’s beat
take a long sip
of my cold water
and well up in tears…
OMG
is this my dad?
i know his father
was controlling
and cold,
i know his mother
died when he was 10…
hmmm
10 was the same age i was
when my own mother told me
she was going to die young…
my father is almost wordless.
i say this because
as his 55 year old daughter
i can count on one hand
the conversations we have had
that had any meaning at all…
did my father feel rejected?
did he feel unloved?
is this why
my entire life
he seemed so untouchable
unapproachable
unloveable????
if rejected people
do reject
then
this description fits him to a tee
and if loved people love,
well,
that is my mom,
so no wonder
she found him
held him close
called him her
‘knight in shinning armor’
and never left him…
i understand totally
the feeling of being
an outcast
i never
EVER
felt i belonged
in my own family
and had i not looked
just like my mom
i probably would have believed
my daily taunting
of ‘no one loves you, you are adopted…’


but my dad…
well,
i just think
he honestly
did not know how to love
and my mom
made up for that.
his voice
when heard,
was soft and slow
rarely was it raised
unless he was super mad
which was only when
he felt betrayed
hurt
or not consulted
and in those times
the rafters shook,
yes,
but
he was quick
like a tornado
leaving you
breathless
speechless
lying flat…
if the rejected, reject
and the loved, love,

do fearful raise fear
do the addicted raise addicts
the angered raise angry

how in the world
can we possibly be human
if we cannot express
normal
every day
emotions?
what do we do
if we were
raised by people
who were not whole themselves
and for that matter
is any
one
person
really
flawless?
i know people who swear
their upbringing was perfect
that they had no struggles
no pain
and maybe this is true,
however;
i know a few
“perfectly raised individuals”
who lack common sense
kindness
not to mention
forgiveness…

we are all damaged
all hopefully working
on the inside of us
to heal
to let the world see-
US!
my bible study asks
the question,
what is your biggest
‘Goliath?’
what is holding you back?
getting in your way?
eating you alive?
which brings me full circle to his quote

”rejected people reject
while loved people love…”

i always felt my biggest Goliath
was
shame
until today
when i realized
i truly had nothing
ever
to be ashamed of
i felt hurt,
ignored
unimportant…
so,
if my father felt rejected
and this statement holds truth
then i too
was rejected?
yes!
i did feel like an outcast
and it was words
and accusations
that made me feel ashamed
of myself
even though
i truly had nothing to be ashamed of…
this is why
i
love
GROWTH!
why i believe we never should stop
growing and learning…

i love my dad.

what i have learned
over time is that
he just did the best he could,
and really
aren’t we all?!
letting ourselves
be flawed humans
is so breathtakingly beautiful…
every year i am gifted
to have my father alive
i accept more and more
of life’s truths
and i have begun to understand
he is exactly
as my mother said
to me my whole life…
“sher, your dad was born broken,
but even the broken deserve to be loved…”
she was raised loved
she was love
which makes me
a nice blend-
a dark roasted strong coffee
with some steamed milk
swirled in…
i am just
like everyone else
walking around
living our tiny lives…
it is also why,
with faith as my center
forgiveness and gratitude
are a piece of cake-
and after all, cake pairs
very well with coffee!

 

 

Read More do rejected people reject at nautilus teachings

being a good human at nautilus teachings

being a good human at nautilus teachings

 

what is
unhappiness?
how do you
perceive a person
should look like
when they are happy?
who are you to judge?
label?
define?
inner joy
peace and happiness
is absolutely attainable
and looks different in
each and every face
you meet…
we don’t know peoples struggles
what their year has been like-
did they lose a loved one
are they fighting a battle
such as depression, anxiety,
alcoholism, drug addiction, abuse…
to name a few.
you
just
don’t
know…

Matthew 7:1-5
says,

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. 3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

so i ask you
as you sit in your chair
as you drive your car
swim in the ocean
ride your bike
work out at the gym
grocery shop
take care of your family
go to work
play with your dogs
is
your
life
so spectacular
that you wake up
every day
smiling
happy
glad to be alive?
can you and do you
go through your entire day
happy?
you never lose your temper
get angry
or frustrated
demand to much of others?

 

life throws at us continuous challenges
mountains to climb
bridges to cross
not
all
are
good
and if you have had a year
or two
or even more
of this,
parts of you
are going to be
exhausted
some of your fuses
may be extra short
you may even
shut down from
a life you love
just because
you
have
had
enough…

one can
seek inner calm
through prayer
meditation
exercise
eating healthy
a good nights sleep
you can go to a counselor
talk to a pastor
release it all on your
best friend
run till you fall down
crying up to God,
‘enough, already…
please stop…’
i turn to-

Matthew 7:7
“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.”

my life has only
and will always
be safe and
saved, because
through faith
i know

Philippians 4:13
“I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.”

each day i spend
as much time as i need
in prayer with God
sharing everything
i know
HE
already
knows
but it is this release
of soulful search
that leads
me to
true happiness…

do you have a thorn in your side?
have you to much on your plate?
have you just been bombarded
with more that you wish?

what,
i ask of you
are
YOU
going to do?

take it out on those you love
cut them down with your judgments
not take the time to listen,
to ask the questions
of the people you love
who need you to hear their
truth?
do you think you already
know their truth?
what is it your fear?
your own failure
as a spouse
sibling
parent
friend ?

you
are
not in charge
of any
ONE
else’s happiness
except your own.
love yourself
fall to your knees
even it you have to do it
every hour
every day
for weeks…
seek out God’s
gentle calming hand
and hug of love
and when you,
yourself
shimmer like the calm ocean
inviting swimmers in
beachcombers to tickle their toes
along the shore
boats to float
fish to swim toward surface
dolphins to jump up
kissing the glorious sun
when the ebbing and flowing
have taken over inside
and you are ready,
reach out your hand
to the one you love
that is hurting
sad
anxious
depressed
in need of understanding
that
they are not alone
and you
along with your faith
will help them
navigate this chapter
of their one tiny life
that they just cannot
seem to turn the page on…

after all,
Jesus taught us,

John 15:12
“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you…”

in other words,
just
be
a
good
human…

 

Read More being a good human at nautilus teachings

life’s last journey at nautilus teachings

life’s last journey at nautilus teachings

 

 

one life
that’s
it!
death
takes
us
all…
i was 10 years old
when my mother said to me
on a bright sunny summer day
as we were outside
pulling weeds,
‘ya know, sher, i am going to die young
so i need to teach you everything
you need to know
before that happens…’
then we both smiled
giggled
and
i just
forgot about
her words…
i
was
10,
i’m not even sure i
really knew what death was
because i was three when
my grandmother died
five when my grandfather died
and i have no memory of either…
when my father was in
his early 60’s
he began believing
he was going to die soon
every year it was
‘well, this will probably be my last…’
he
is
now
88
and the oldest living male
ever in his family tree.
i’m not even sure if he
has memory of me repeatedly hearing him say
he was finally going to die
when his heart had a few hiccups
but i remember it clearly,
i also remember saying
over and over,
‘dad, you are to grumpy to die,
God only takes the good ones young…’
that may sound mean
but he is
an iron wall
silence
is his middle name…
for the past 3-5 years
my mom in law has been
begging God to take her home
because she can no longer walk
and is in a nursing home….
she wants to die
but she is one of the best
souls i have ever met, and
God is saying,
‘nope’…


what do you do?
do you pray for
a soul to be released?
to go home?
do you go to heroic measures
to keep their heart beating
knowing it is not their wish?
what can we do
as adult children
of those
who
are aging
and wish to die?
when my mother was
told she was going to die
she was 52
i was 21
and although i was with her
when the dr told her
she had 6 months to live,
it was never talked about
or confirmed
by anyone.
my parents were
silent.
moms leukemia
was never discussed
because my dad
really, rarely spoke
to me
except to say,
‘hi sher, how’s life?’
yes, i knew when she was
very weak
i knew when she was
in countless remissions
and over the 3 years
of her dying
life
just
went
on
for
me…
when it comes to my dad,
he stopped
saying he was going to die
and just group texts
all us kids
the most random things,
of which by far my favorite
so far is…
‘hey, guys. make sure you all
get your colonoscopies…’
when i get to go visit
my mom in law
she is always
always
surprised to see me.
i hold her hand
fill her in on all 5 kids
and two grandsons
and just chit chat about life…
she always asks me if
her ‘bozo’
aka-my d-
is being kind
to me
and i always giggle and say,
‘well, i have not killed him yet
so i guess he’s doing ok…’
this always makes her laugh
which i love.


i never got the chance
to do this with my mom
everything was always on the
hush hush
as far as
was mom getting close to death
so when she did die,
i
was
shocked…
when i was asked recently
if every time i saw her
towards the end of life
if i was sketched
i simply replied,
‘i never knew she was dying…’
i know that was not the response
they were looking for,
but it was my truth…
my father and i
are good.
that means,
when he does pass
and go home to God
i know i have done
everything i could
to forgive him
and love him.
when mom in law
finds her way to the
pearly gates and
greets st. peter
i am sure she will
close her eyes
lift her hands in praise
and say,
with tiny tears,
‘thank you God,
what took you so fucking long?’
yes,
she loves
the F bomb.
yes,
she taught me
to use the
F bomb.
for the first 7 years of our marriage
she would sit around our dinner table
and keep everyone in stitches
retelling her life story about,
‘this fucking….
or that fucking…
or can you believe the fucking…’
so, yes,
we only have one life.
if you are given the
GIFT
of spending time
with those you love
while they are old,
aging
dying
grab it full on.
take photos of them –
even if they say no.
record their voice
so you can hear it
as long as you need
when they are gone
take a video of them
telling stories
hold their hand
rub their feet
brush their hair
just take the time
to let them know
they
are 
LOVED,
for it is in the
giving of these
tiny things
we all so very much
take for granted
that we are gently
lovingly
kindly
helping them walk
down their last
journey
in
this
one
tiny
life…
and as i always say,
“love the peeps you are with, baby!”
you just never know if
that time
will be your last…

 

Read More life’s last journey at nautilus teachings