fallible at nautilus teachings

fallible at nautilus teachings

 

 

we are all fallible-

capable of making mistakes or being erroneous

we don’t wake up in the morning
and think,
‘today, i am going to fail’
i’m going to blow my presentation’
‘i will be careless with my words
and ignorant to the pain and suffering
around me’…

we just don’t

plenty of us fear failure
so we strive harder
to be a perfectionist
we may try controlling
everyone we come in contact with
or live sheltered lives
because of this fear…
some take failure as part of life-
which
it
totally is-
we
fail…
not just our loved ones
our children
parents
friends
we
fail
God…
and thats
O.K.!
we are human.
expecting perfection
from anyone incites failure…
when my mother was
diagnosed with Leukemia
and given 6 months to live
the doctor did not sugar coat it
he sat with her
listened
answered her questions
held her
and before he left i remember
him looking her square in
her big brown
all welled up with tears eyes
and saying,
‘dory, if anyone can beat this
you can…don’t give up…’


was he lying?
nope
he knew how strong my mom was
he knew she would fight…
and fight she did-
she did not breathe her last breath
until 3.5 years later…
yes,
she still lost her battle
but her team of doctors
and nurses
never talked about dying
or failure
they talked about
positive, happy things
going on in their lives
to encourage my mom
to live for those…
and live she did,
to see me get pregnant
give birth to her grandson
and teach me the foundation
of being a good mom.
that in itself was my gift
from God.
let’s take a look at all the
amazing teachers out there
who are dealt this mixed up batch
of kids
from different cultures, beliefs, income levels
every day they welcome every child-
with a smile and kindness.
they chose this job to make a difference
no matter how hard some adults
lack of parenting can make it
teachers
never
give
up…
failure is not an option.
what is it you choose to do with your life?
is failure a word you use?
if so i urge you to
change your thinking
i believe every time we are imperfect
we learn
we grow
we become
a better person
because in not-succeeding the way
we envisioned it
is God’s way of showing us
we are not in control
and we cannot ever know it all-
because guess what
YOU DON’T…
no one cares where you went to school
what your GPA was
how many trophies you have
and how many certificates hang
upon your wall…
what they want to know
is how can you help them
make themselves stronger
understand life…


what we want is for every person
no matter their occupation
not to lie,
to be open and honest up front
like my moms doctor.
he could have easily said,
‘well, dory, i would get your affairs in order,
pick out your casket
pay for the cemetery
plan your funeral…’
but he didn’t
he had compassion and empathy
for my mother.
he is a true healer of souls
even if he could never
actually save her life…
and that teacher
who is daily dealing with
multiple disciplinary issues-
they handle it.
they find a way to reach
each child in some way
by positively pointing out
their strengths
and letting them know
within the walls of their school
they are safe
cared for
and will be taught
how to navigate life
even if it’s only one
baby step at at time…
as adults in this crazy
stressful,
mixed up changing world
we have the ability
to love
encourage
support
help
yet there is this
cracked collection
of individuals
who choose to
invoke
through social media
fear, suffering and pain
by demeaning
verbally assaulting
and accusing people
they dislike
or have failed them…
why?
what are they getting
from this?
life is hard enough
without being
assaulted
every time you sign
onto any account…
just click on any headline,
scroll your newsfeed
and there is not a
positive kind uplifting
mix in the bunch
everyone is pointing fingers
accusing
bashing…
tomorrow morning
as you flip open your
eyelids
and greet a new day,
i encourage you
to begin with a smile
say hello to a stranger
buy someone coffee
slow to let a car
enter the road
look at this one life
for exactly as it is-
a gift-
and no-one
has the right
to take that away from you…
they only have that power
if you give it to them.
delete them
unfollow them
let their bs fill up someone
else’s day
and if you cannot find
anything funny to watch on television
then turn it off,
go outside
and say hello
to this one
beautiful life-
live it, baby…
live it to the fullest

 

 

Read More fallible at nautilus teachings

living forward at nautilus teachings

living forward at nautilus teachings

 

There is memory
In the stroke of
A paintbrush
I can taste the cool
Crisp cobalt and cerulean blues
As I pull from them
A sense of safety
belonging
And the knowledge
That they are my soul colors
Reaching for the tattered plaid fabric
With which to wipe my bristles upon
A story bobs up from the center of my being
The scent which once belonged upon this shirt
Now gone
Tickles my nose
In a rush of encompassing life songs
Being thrown ever backward into my life
I find myself searching for keys
Knowing love cannot uncage me
Nor bandage my scarred heart
I fitfully sleep knowing
To live with artistic abandon
I must accept that
I am The only one
who can break free
from my tethered chains
I was folded into a world
Of mismatched puzzle pieces
As if God whispered,
“This is what ya got, now make it work…”
My shadowed chocolate eyes catch
The movement of my hands
I clasp them together
And think of
Touch
My memory of first embrace
All floats back to my mother…
Small fingers
Placing color to paper
I can hear the silent movement
As it freely coats the surface
In shiny stroked images of my life
Hues and shadows
Echo across my mind
Where is my safe harbor
Who is my home
How many times had I been asked to “trust”
Only to fall short of this and betray myself.
My life has been patterned,
Copied over and over
By the lack of faith in my own being
To grow
To blossom
To belong


The mom in me loved the woven images
Of repetitive life
Holiday celebrations, family vacations
And all the mundane chores
Which made up my day
I noticed from the time I was small
Keys hanging
Dangling
Always out of reach
Beckoning me to take that leap of faith
That God made me to give back
All the brilliant colors I carried inside
I let Him down
I let myself down
I became a robotic system
A database
Of
How to be a good girl
Following direction
Carrying a shield
Made of hurt and anger
To say I was disappointed in myself
Is an understatement
As I stand looking through the mirror
Illustrations flash quickly
Like the lens of a camera
My three grown children
Are strong, focused and loving
They have each fought their way into a world
Of their choosing knowing clearly
they are not going to drown
Or succumb to the rigid expectations of this life
I love their spirits
The soul they put into their school and jobs
I watch their hands echo mine
As they embrace all the colors
Given them
And never settle
To be just blue, green or red
But strive to be
Cerulean blue, kiwi green or cranberry red
They have expectations
Dreams, goals
And they don’t give up
They fight
If one key does not fit they just get a new one
I love it…
I find myself at waters edge now
The crisp coolness of the first wave upon my toes
Cleanses me
Inspires me
And
Beckons me to continue my journey
To new shores
Lush coves
To keep writing
And painting
Knowing
Success is not measured in
Worldwide acceptance
Or monetary gain
But in the true
Shedding of my outer shell
To reveal my
Songs which make my heart sing
To speak my soul stories
Which gave me wings to unfurl
to brush upon canvas
The stories which created me
To grasp the next key which comes my way
And to sail upon open waters
Allowing the gentle to breeze to kiss my imagination
And fill my entire being up
With the warmth and knowledge
That
I may not get a second chance at life
So I better start living it now…

 

Read More living forward at nautilus teachings

family traits at nautilus teachings

family traits at nautilus teachings

 

 

 

“it’s hard for me too look at you Sheri Lynn
You remind me of Dory too much…”
These words, spoken to me after her death
Have stuck with me to this day
although It was a compliment
I felt burdened
My mother has been gone now
for years…
Gone-
I hate that word.
My mother died.
she left life in 1987
I was 25
She was my best friend
I thought of her more like my sister than my mom at times
We shopped
laughed
traveled
Just Mom and I
We told each other everything
We both knew each others pain
Yet
My mom found her voice
She started saying what she wanted
Was not afraid to ask
And sometimes
She just did it!
Now my father was quiet
Reserved
His lips-
The iron curtain
Of life
I don’t remember doing much with him
That was just he and I
My perception of him
Was that
He was unapproachable
Bordering on unloveable
I say this because
He never saved me
He never seemed proud of me
And to this day
Still makes me feel like a failure
I search for a warm memory
But really, my biggest memory of him
Was that he did things in threes
Like a stutter
(Which I had and still do to some extent)
Placing his coffee cup down took a
Tap, tap, tap
Set motion
His eyes spoke more that his words
I felt at times I could see pain
See joy or love in them
But for the most part they were empty
Hesitant brown dots
Afraid of what though?
“your mom loved you so much, she was so proud of you and talked about you all the time…”
My mother was proud of me
She told me over and over
That one day, I would be a great writer or artist
I made her cards with poems,
Paintings with prose
So when she told me her wish/dream for me
To marry well, join a country club and live
In a house with a white picket fence,
I felt it was the least I could do
After all she never got to live her dream-
Or did she?
This is a question I cannot answer truthfully
But my heart tells me,
She settled…
So
I
Settled
I married a man she loved
Who could give me all she wanted
And
Then
She
Died.
My father,
Up until a five years ago would ask me almost every phone conversation we had,
“Sher, when are you going to get a real job?”
Glub, glub, glub
I guess I never made it out of the guppy stage for him
I followed his silent rules growing up
I did not speak back
I did not speak up
I did not speak
I obeyed
When my dream of going to the Art Institute was
At my finger tips with my acceptance letter
I could feel the cool blues
floating across my finger tips
And hear the brush strokes of my life
I was met with
“You cannot make a living with art, I will not pay for you to go to art school. You will go to the school of my choice and you will major in business.”
Dare I say
I had no air bubbles left at this time
That is an understatement
I was floating on my side like a dead fish in water.


Did my father love me?
Well,
I can’t say no-
because he told me daily
that he did,
I just don’t think
He new how
to show it…
Whenever we would take photographs
I was always on the end of the line next to my brothers
My dad would hug them in close and reach with his hand
And jiggle my cheek saying
“smile, Sher…”
I don’t even remember
Sitting on his lap
Until I was 28
At my second wedding reception
He was sitting and held out his arms
I sat down and he hugged me
And said, “I love you.”
I was so taken aback, that I cried
And he pulled me into a tight hug
At this time his soon to be wife
Came out and said
“ah why don’t you two get a room.”
Really? Did I just hear that correctly?
i knew she was joking
but it just stung me..
My mother
Was loving
Giving
Warm
She baked
Took care of us all
And until I was 13
Had no voice
My father
Was
Stubborn
Silent
And
Never home
“you look like my mom, annie”
I said to my daughter 8 years ago
When she cut off her hair
Annie and I talk a lot about family resemblances
We just had this conversation again, last Saturday
“mom, you look like your mom, but you are stubborn just like Grandpa…”
At first I was shocked to hear her compare me to my father
But I paused
Thought a brief moment
And said,
“yes, I am and now you know where you get your stubbornness from.”
She smiled and said,
“yup, but I think I got these slanty eyes from Meme. Are you sure there’s no Asian on your side of the family?”
My youngest daughter Emily
Has always been told,
“ you look just like your mother.” 🙂
I think it’s funny and know it’s true
She is the spitting image of me
It has only been recently that she has begun to acknowledge this as I receive comments like,
“Mom is this another one of your traits I inherited?”
I giggle always
And say
“ya know Em, it’s not so bad being me…”
She just rolls her eyes-
That is something I am not sure I do, but….
Now my Nick
Is artistic ,sweet , kind and looks like his father
But
When he is with Emily, he looks like Em-hence me-
(they have different fathers)
Nick is quiet, reserved
Very much personality wise, like me
He’s not angry or closed like his father –
But he is built exactly like him
and now that he is a father
his son looks like him,
but he also has his mothers
beautiful big blue eyes…
We draw personality traits
From both parents
I drew genetically mostly my mother’s traits
My cousin and I look just alike
And we both look like our moms
Who obviously are sisters
Balancing the attributes of both parents
Once we are adults can be tough
I cannot hold my father responsible for my
Cornered silence or stubbornness
Or impute my giving nature
Came from my mother
I had many male and female mentors in life
What I hope I drew from my father is longevity of life
what I hope I drew from my mother
Is my soft features and smile
Everything else
That encompasses who Sheri is
Has been accumulating in this big paint bucket of my life
Drips of everyones color, love, anger, silence all mixed in
Leaving me
With a generous palette with which to pull from
As I try
To live
An
Authentic
Sincere
Creatively
Whimsical
life

 

Read More family traits at nautilus teachings

keys at nautilus teachings

She held the skeleton key
Within the palm of her
Tiny 5 year old hand
Her arms, pink from running
Her heart beating fast
Tears streaked her cheeks
The key
The key
Quickly she inserts
It into the lock
Click

She is still now,
No breathing
Eyes tight upon the glass doorknob
No tears
Not a sound
Until
Bam, bam, bam
She hears their feet pounding fast
Across the wooden floor
She grabs teddy
Clack

The outside door opens
Her breathing picks up speed
Tears begin to flow
Hugging teddy close
She whispers
“God, please, please make me a fish
So I can swim far, far away…”
Her small frame trembles with fear
As she closes her eyes
And calls on wise old Mr. Hawksbill
Bang

The door hits the wall behind
She can smell them now
Their sweat
Their maleness
They are whispering
“you get her-no you get her…”
Click click click
Clack clack clack
She hears her moms shoes
“Get out and leave your sister alone…”
Slam

“sheri,
Sheri,
Dearheart
Come out here
You are safe…”
She is sobbing now
Her mother jiggles the knob
Sheri Lynn unlock this door
She doesn’t move
And then she hears it
Click

Her mom had another key
How many keys were there?
Did her brothers know about them?
She must collect them fast
Before her mother knows…
“sheri,
Come here sweetheart…”
She comes from the darkness
Covered in fear
She falls into her mother’s arms
Bling

A tiny light goes on above her head
“sheri you cannot keep locking the door,
Now give me that key…”
She shakes her brown haired head no
And her eyes well up begging her mom
to let her keep just one key
“I’ll tell ya what, Sher,
I will put your key in my drawer for safety
That way you always know where it’s at, ok?”
She barely nods her head
Clank

The drawer closes roughly
Her mom leaves and she quickly gets the key back
She runs from room to room
Door to door
Collecting keys
8 in all
She leaves the 9th key in the door to the upstairs
Thinking no one will ever know
Her pockets full
She opens the closet door
Ding, ding, ding

The keys fall to the floor
And reflect the sadness in her eyes
She grabs teddy and says,
“Teddy, we must operate, I am so sorry.”
She opens up teddy’s tummy and takes out his squeaker
She ties the keys together with yarn
Inserts them inside his belly
Sews him up
Then falls asleep with him in her arms
In the cornered closet
Shhhhh

Years pass
Teddy always by her side
She feels safe
Then one day
She opens him up
And inside the keys are gone
“but, what? What is this?”
Inside was a clothespin
Clasping a piece of paper
On it
In her mother’s
Handwriting
It said,
“Sheri Lynn-
I have the keys in my jewelry box
They are yours when you are ready
To unlock the memories
to uncage them
Fly free
Swim far
And just so you know
I am glad God never answered your prayer
To make you a fish
Because you have turned into
A beautiful mermaid
I love you dearheart
Mom.”

Read More keys at nautilus teachings

past icons at nautilus teachings

past icons at nautilus teachings

 

who grew you
that never knew you?
we all have those
writers, artists, singers,
actors, mentors
that influenced us
even in a tiny way…

Lover/feeling

I fall into his voice
His words
Like a baby nestles
To their mother’s breast
He can croon me to happiness
“Sunny side of the Street”
He can woo me to sway in love
“Have I told you lately that I love you”
He can comfort me with ballads…
“When you wish upon star”
Who doesn’t love
“Maggie May”
Or hear him rocking out
“Hot legs”
Or well up in tears to
“You’re in my heart”
I fell in iconic love with Rod Stewart
During my gangly teen years
Listen to his sultry, sexy voice
Feel your way through his melodies
And you will be encompassed with soft love…
for those of you who know me
i love painting to his tunes
it’s an easy flow
like the tide lapping against
the sandy shore
begging you to dip your toe in
then sit, smile and stay for a while…

Queen/being

“Oh my God the bend and snap works every time…”
Reesie, Reesie, Reesie…
Me love me some Reesie
Legally Blonde I and II are iconic movies
What girl doesn’t try to impress the man she loves
Go to silly extremes to accomplish this task
And then end up seeing his true colors
Only to leave him and become a better person
Reese Witherspoon is beautiful, funny, tough
She portrays strong women in humorous ways
I love the characters she picks
I want to be Elle
Or
Melanie Carmichael
From Sweet Home Alabama
She embraces her blonde silliness
Uses it to her benefit
After all, I heartily agree when she says,
“All people see when they look at me is blonde hair and big boobs.”
-Elle Woods
And then
She kills them with kindness and strength
Reesie, Reesie as Lauren in “This Means War”
where Chelsea Handler plays her Bf Trish…
Reese Summarizes in one saweeeet line-
Lauren-Oh, I think I’m going to hell
Trish-Don’t worry. If you are going to hell, I’ll just come pick you up.
And hello, who wouldn’t want Chelsea Handler for BFF?

Magician/thinker


Sway me
Rescue me
Innocence
His characters are magic!
He is stunning in a bad boy way
And as a drunken pirate
Makes you giggle and want to follow
His eyes capture you and place you under a spell
With one look, one word or even a nod
He is magic
In reality his image is grunge gone wild
His words…
“There are four questions of value in life… What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. Only love.”
Pure enchantment
“When kids hit one year old, it’s like hanging out with a miniature drunk. You have to hold onto them. They bump into things. They laugh and cry. They urinate. They vomit.”
It seems to me his character Jack Sparrow resembles this remark
I want to live honest and true like this
Awake
Aware
Open
Nonjudgmental
If legends would prove to be true
Then my history of being Fancy Finns The mermaid as a young girl
Would find me under the spell of
Jack Sparrow
“All these beautiful mermaids. Creatures of legend and lore, right in front of me! What an exciting adventure, indeed!”
Splashing into his world
Could only
Enhance my creativity and imagination

Warrior/doing

Great artists-
The masters
Were for the most part not considered so
Until after death
What we give in life
May be too much for reality to accept
We may be on a different level
People thinking us crazy
Many artists suffer depression, anxiety
They live within a world
Their minds eye can see, feel and taste
Vincent Van Gogh’s
Starry Night is one of many of his famous paintings
I want to be within the deep blues which float
His sunflowers bring a smile to my lips
Each time I see them
His stroke-strong, short, pure
Works magic I have yet to discover
He was a warrior who was born into faith and color
His hands always busy, his heart soft, his mind pliable

I leave you with the words of bewitching Josh Groban-


Starry Starry Night
Paint Your pallet blue and grey
Look out on a summers day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills,
in colors on the snowy linen land

Now I understand what you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
The would not listen they did not know how
Perhaps they’ll listen now

Starry starry Night
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds in violent haze
Reflect in Vincent’s eyes of china blue
Colors changing hue
Morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain,
Are soothed beneath the artist’s loving hand

Now I understand what you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen
They did not know how
Perhaps they’ll listen now

For They could not love you
But still your love was true
And when no hope was left inside
On that Starry Starry night
You took your life as Lovers often do
But I could have told you Vincent
This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.

Like the Strangers that you’ve meet
The ragged man in ragged clothes
The silver thorn, a bloody rose
Lye crushed and broken on the virgin snow

Now I think I know what you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen
They’re not listening still
Perhaps they never will.
I look at my iconic picks knowing each one
Sits comfortably with my soul
Helping me journey
Along my canvased path
If people do not know me in this lifetime
“Perhaps they never will”

 

Read More past icons at nautilus teachings

guns? at nautilus teachings

guns? at nautilus teachings

 

 

“I’M NOT READY TO MAKE NICE
I’M NOT READY TO BACK DOWN
I’M STILL MAD AS HELL
AND I DON’T HAVE TIME
TO GO ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND…”
(Dixie Chicks)

I  left my guns at the door-
Wait,
was I ever given guns in the first place?
I was given hands that held me to the floor
Lips that spilled out vulgarity over and over
Knees shoved in my chest and held down
Til I peed my pants
Guns?
Guns?

“CAN’T YOU JUST GET OVER IT?
IT TURNED MY WHOLE WORLD AROUND….”

I came out with a target painted on my head!
Hit me
Push me down the steps
Spit on me
Call me those
Glorious words
I love to hear so so much
fatty
stupid
ugly
Cunt
Bitch
Slut
Whore
Where were my fucking guns?

“THEY SAY TIME HEALS EVERYTHING
BUT I’M STILL WAITING…”

I had cute little angle wings
And mermaid finns
I had crayons in every hue
I had red radio flyer tennies
And pretty dresses
And lacy panties
I had warm chocolate chip cookies
And fudge brownies
And Mr. Bubble bubble baths
I had lily of the valley to cradle me
I had trees to hide behind
I had closets to hide in
I had feet to run fast with
I had a park to get lost in
I had covers to hide under
I had a mom who loved me

“FORGIVE SOUNDS GOOD,
FORGET I DON’T THINK I COULD..”

Because she
Sheltered me-
And although she had a blue suitcase packed at the door
To runaway at any given moment
She never did
did she have guns
balls
words???
i don’t know…
i never saw her fight back
and when she tried
she always
ended up crying
in the dark
in a corner
alone…
I
Have been
Screaming
My entire life
“Let me out
Look at me
Give me a fucking chance
I am alive…”
I found my weapon
I blew my world apart
I closed all the doors
I melted all the keys
I cocked my gun
Pointed it towards my memories
And in an instant watched them
Flame up, turn to ashes
And blow away
In the wind…
It was

“JUST ANOTHER DAY
OF EVERYBODY LOOKING
I SWORE THEY’D NEVER SEE ME CRY…”

Blank canvases
Empty pages
New palettes
Were being hurled at me
At a speed I could not believe
Covered head to toe in paint splatters
Paper flying from my printer
I was morphing into Sheri?
NO, ALICE!!!
i was becoming Alice…
never again would i feel small…
FINALLY!!!!

“ALL THE THINGS I CAN’T ERASE
FROM MY LIFE
EVERYBODY KNOWS…”

Panic attacks were gone
I exercised every morning
And I cried
I learned to love me
I began to listen to my heart
I slept all night long
I laughed, wrote and painted,
I sang and danced while I cooked
I grew up

“I CAN CHANGE
LIKE COLORS ON THE WALL
HOPING NO ONE ELSE WILL FIND
WHAT LIES BENEATH IT ALL…”

And then
Backwards
my mind
Fell
Into
The
Abyss
Of
My
Life
Drowning
In
Filth
Shame
Low
Self
Esteem
I
Was
The
Black residue
Left
After
Everyone
Shot
Their
fucking
Guns…

“EVERY TIME I TURN AORUND
I RUN INTO MY SELF…”

i will still
seeing shadows
Of my life
In corners
Behind trees
Still hear
The words
Hurled at me
Still feel
The force
Of anger
Only now
My shield
if faith,
Is strength,
It is belief
In myself
LEAVING MY GUN AT THE DOOR?
Not likely
Anymore
I keep it strapped
To my thigh
Along with my fancy
Good girl garter belt
Letting the world know
This chick
May look soft
To hold
But
If
You
FUCK WITH HER
She will
Aim,
Shoot,
Blow the
Smoke
From
Her gun
And
As
You
Fall
To
The
Ground
Laugh
Out
Loud
And
Yell

“THAT’S THE WAY WE PLAY THIS GAME OF LIFE…”

Read More guns? at nautilus teachings

eat your dinner at nautilus teachings

 

 

 

“Eat your dinner or no dessert”

how many of you
grew up hearing this?
i remember having to sit
at the table into the dark
because i did not want to
eat the food on my plate..
I wanted
Dessert
Because my mom
Was the best baker in town…
cakes, cookies, breads, muffins, pies-
you name it
and it was fresh
daily in our tiny house
on linden ave…
dinner however was
another story-
From liver and onions
To gross green beans
It went in my mouth
i would fake chewing it
and try not to gag
or barf…
Then i would spit it
into my hand
place it under the table
To feed the dog
and look around
to see if my brothers noticed…
no one tattled about this
maneuver
so i am pretty sure
our dog was eating
like a king from all three of us!
sometimes
it went in my mouth
then i would run to the bathroom
spit it into the toilet
and flush it down the drain
but you could only pull this stunt
in an absolute emergency
because we were all expected
to use the bathroom and
wash our hands right before dinner
and mom always supervised this!
Once
I tried hiding it in my napkin
but when i got up to clear my plate
and drop the napkin in the garbage
my food tumbled out,
mom saw this
and i was sent directly to bed
with no dessert that day…
i remember begging my aunt
for a frosting flower
from a celebration cake
it looked so pretty
and all i could think of was
that must be the best part!
when she finally gave in,
i ate the cake quickly
saving this delicate yummy for last
only to pop it in my mouth
almost puking from the disgusting flavor…
i quickly put it in my napkin
went to the bathroom

for some crazy reason
i guess i had mom brain at the time,
I tried this with my kids.
it did not work at all
They ended up
Vomiting on the table
Crying
Falling asleep
And
Above all
Making me feel like the bully I was being
Who did I think I was
Julia Child?
My cooking was good
But not for the palette of a kid
They wanted
Pizza, mac n cheese, hotdogs…
So that’s what they got
And I got
Hugs
Giggles
Smiles
Love
And time around the table with my children…
“Eat your dinner or no dessert”
Was a dumb rule
One I broke as often as I could
Thanks to the dog
And as I watch my grown children
Now in their 20’s and  30’s munch on
Pizza, mac n cheese, hotdogs, bagels, doughnuts
To name a few
I smile
Giggle
Hug them
And
Whisper in
Their ear
“better eat it now while you can
Because in a few years
It will all go to your hips!”
They
Smile
Giggle
And whisper
(with their mouths full)
“I know that mom,
But it
TASTES SO GOOD!”

Read More eat your dinner at nautilus teachings

Envy at nautilus teachings

 

 

 

Envy

desire to have a quality, possession,
or other desirable attribute belonging to (someone else):

Envy

a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck:

it is a sin.

I would dream of being prettier
Smarter, more talented…
I had dreams over and over
Where I did not stutter
And they were lovely…
Dreams of brothers who wanted to be with me
Of a father who would lead us in campfire songs
And a mother who could save the whole world from hunger!

Envy

When you wish you had someones looks, talent, nice car and personality but you don’t so you badmouth them to make yourself look better or them look worse. It’s called leveling and practiced by those with low self esteem/insecurity.

I learned to accept my limitations
My punishments
My truths
And the bandage around my lips
Grew weeds
Not having a voice in the world
kept me silent and
Led me to coloring my way out

Envy

Envy comes from the Latin word invidere, which literally means “look upon.” You know when you say something funny or smart and someone gives you the evil eye? Envy all the way. Envy can be used as a noun or as a verb: Envy (noun) is the feeling you have when you envy (verb) what someone else has.

The brilliant hues reflected my feelings
And black lines around each shape-their own bondage from escape
I held tight to the one “talent” I had-creating beauty on paper
Soon that faded
And I was lost in trying to keep up with everyone

Envy

It’s no fun to feel envy or jealousy because both make you feel inadequate. Envy is when you want what someone else has, but jealousy is when you’re worried someone’s trying to take what you have. If you want your neighbor’s new convertible, you feel envy. If she takes your husband for a ride, you feel jealousy.

Why couldn’t I stay focused like my friends
Where was my passion
I sat in corners cradling my baby dolls ‘til I was 14
From their I found my way to the kitchen
Began baking and watching the world just fly by outside
always retreating to some ‘closet’
to release my dreams of
whimsical color…

Envy

1. a feeling of grudging or somewhat admiring discontent aroused by the possessions, achievements, or qualities of another
2. the desire to have for oneself something possessed by another; covetousness
3. an object of envy

I saw girls who could speak, teach, twirl…
I did all that too-only it was inside my head
I wanted to try out for cheerleading
I wanted to compete in art shows
I wanted to submit my writings for publications
But I believed I
“just did not have that competitive gene”
No drive or ambition to conquer
Or set out on my own
But inside I was bursting to runaway

Envy

the feeling that you wish you had something that someone else has

I would stare at women with boobs
Wishing I had them
I denied to my husband that I wanted them
And then one day I spoke
“ya know, I really want boobs to match my thighs…”
he giggled at me
And said
“ok, let’s do it”
“Wait”, I thought, “you can get things by speaking?
So all those dreams still may come true?”

Envy

Envy is pain at the good fortune of others

I had them now
My DD’s on this 5’10” body
And I balanced on the outside
Now I needed
The
Antithesis
On
The
Inside

Envy

Synonyms
covetousness, enviousness, green-eyed monster,
invidiousness, jealousy, resentment

She waltzed into my studio,
Camera in hand
Short hair
Free spirit
And I
Fell into wishing
I wanted to be her
She spoke honestly
She dressed casually
Tiny in stature
Tall in confidence
And bursting
With flavor
And color

Envy

Both the Psalms and Proverbs warn against the temptation of becoming envious of evil men when they seem to prosper in spite of their wrongdoing (Pss 37:1; 73:2, 3; Prov 3:31; 23:17; 24:1, 19).

We began spending time together
This free spirit and I
My husband was hopeful
I had finally found a friend
And “partner in crime”
Both artists
Of different mediums
She tore off the bandages of my soul
Led me to online photography classes with
Vivienne McMaster
I began unfurling
Amanda Page
Was introduced to me
My words took flight
My story unfolded
Leading me to
Jen Lee and Phyllis Mathis
I grew
My sails were full
And I blushed
All these
Strong women
So bold
secure
Grounded…
Women
I want to be with
Hang with
Learn from

Envy

Envy is the art of counting
another’s blessings
instead of your own.
-Harold Coffin

but i was fearful
to let any one inside
my head,
soul
and heart…

I denied it
every chance I got
i liked hiding
running
being silent…
Until
all these amazing women
were placed in my life
and helped
me to grow…
because of HER
Free spirit
Life giver
Artistic soul friend…
To all of HER shinning spirits
Thank you…
you truly helped
me begin leaving
my barnacled shell
and swim
freely…

 

Read More Envy at nautilus teachings

define, YOU at nautilus teachings

 

 

 

Define:

To state or set forth the meaning of-

The meaning of me?
To my mother I was the stars
To my father
His only daughter
To my two brothers
A mistake
A target
A daily place to release their anger

To explain or identify the nature or essential qualities of-

I was made from love
I was given love, faith, fear
I grew in love, faith, fear, silence
Identity?
I was the 4th child
Her heart
His
what do i do
with a little girl?
Their
We wanted a baby brother
child

To fix or lay down definitely: to define ones responsibility-

The law was laid down
My mother would get no voice
My brothers would rule
I would hide under the steps
And be taught cornered silence
I was definitely afraid, scared, silent…
The law was laid down by the two toe headed terrors
My father was steel silence
My mother
Cried, prayed, obeyed
I turned inward
Towards the creation of my own world

To determine or fix the boundaries or extent of-

I was my brothers property
They called me what they wanted
Did what they pleased
And laughed when punished
I
Am
Not
Anybodies
Property
I do not claim
Any resemblance to any person
except my mother

To make clear the outline or form of-

I was defined by the scars they left
By the black lines I drew around my colors
To protect them
I felt defined by his lack of strength
spanking nightly my brothers did not work
And in turn was too weak
I was defined by watching my mother hover over my father
Out of obedience
or love?
I was defined by her hands which protected me
By her loved which encompassed me
And by her smile which warmed me
I was defined by my faith
I was defined by my drawings
And now am defined by
My words too

To set forth the meaning of a word, phrase-construct a definition-

The definition of me
Is only found
In one place
Within
I will not allow
Any person
To dictate
My memory
My feelings
My ambitions
My life
I
Define who I am
I live true
And
The
People
Who
Should
Have
Defined
Me
And
Did
Not
Do
So
Nor
Have
Tried
Too,
Can
Go
fuck
Themselves

Read More define, YOU at nautilus teachings

daisy me at nautilus teachings

daisy me at nautilus teachings


 

Daisy me
Daisy me
Maybe even crazy me
Since I was tiny
I was a flower
that grew
through
the cracks
in the sidewalk
always stretching up
reaching
for the healing light
of my faith…
Barefoot
Suntanned
I was the fragrant lavender lilac bush
Waving to the world
Saying, “I am here, look at me…”
as i would twirl
my arms stretched out
eyes closed
as i took in the sweet smell
of summer…
I would stand tall and fling my hair around
Til I was dizzy
Giggle loudly then fall on the grass
And watch the world spin…
it was great to be a kid!
Ding a ling a ling ding ding
Say the lily of the valley to my tiny ears
Listening to the bells
I lay upon the soft kelly green grass
And feel them calling me to silence
inviting me to stillness,
To peace and grace.
I would stand tall
Grasping just a few flowers
And know I would one day
Be a princess
Head held high I strolled the black asphalt
Of my youth
Thinking how glorious the world was…


Dandelion to wishing flower
How you held so much power
I do not know
Standing bent all yellow and yummy
I pick you
Stick you under my chin for color
then
Pop off your head
As you fall to the ground
I stand tall
Knowing
I have just beheaded the demons
Wishing flower from dandelion
I hold you close to my heart
I shut my eyes make a wish
Hold my head high
And float
Like you
Forever
Free
I was always a flower
Reaching up towards the sun
Stretching my arms out and up
I was fed by the warmth
It made me stand taller
Beckoned me to fly…
Now
I am a daisy
Daisy so crazy
Only I float free
With the “wishing wings”
Without a stem
My petals ruffle
And sing
I fly with reckless abandon
To coves, islands, and dream worlds
Where no corners exist
No strings to tie me down
I am free-
Petals
Calm
Listening
Trusting the release of each life giving “wing”
As they twirl towards the center
Of their path chosen
Daisy daisy
Daisy mine
I stand tall
Like
You
Showing the world
I am full of colors
Not just
One
Cluster
Of
Nothingness
Heaped in corner
Sure
I may bend at times to rest
Refresh
Rejuvenate
My spirit
But I am a daisy
I love me
I love me
I do…

 

Read More daisy me at nautilus teachings