graced with exhaustion at nautilus teachings

 

when did life
become so
exhausting?
when did
55 begin
feeling like 80?
what, if any
one thing
transitioned me
from feeling so young
vibrant
ready to take
on the world
2 months ago
to this hip hurting
knee crunching
back aching
middle widening
unable to keep
my eyes open
without two cups
of coffee
girl?
why do i have this
gnawing urge
desire
wish and dream
to pack up
and leave
life
behind…
i know
i am not going to die
i know i am being
tested,
the question is
in what
for what
and by what?
i don’t know about you
but this,
now pushing
7 weeks of
wind,
flash floods,
water restrictions
baths in the pool
instead of the shower
hurricane after hurricane
followed by continual tornado alerts
not to mention
short tempers
lack of sleep
hauling debris
has all pushed me
to my knees
so much
i can barely stand…
don’t get me wrong
i am
grateful
our tiny beach town
is still standing
i am grateful
i can put back together
my hubby’s office and
my studio
over time
i am grateful i get to
wake up in a dry home
a clean bed
food on my table
look out at the rising sun
and know
we
us
me
you
i
survived
only by the
grace of God…


are we special ?
NOPE.
are we chosen?
HELL NO.
are we lucky?
YES…
does this make
me happy,
NO.
i feel helpless
i can do nothing
for the rest of the world
i have no extra
money to pledge
i have no old clothes
to give
i have no stashed food
to donate…
i
am
a
minimalist…
YES,
i stop and give
the homeless people
at the corners a few dollars
a bottle of water,
a box of power bars
and clean socks…
YES,
i pray endlessly for direction
a path
a knowing
of what i need to do
how i can help…
i fall asleep every night
in prayer
in the hopes
our world
will find peace
the storms will stop
the pain will fade
and maybe
just maybe
we can unite
as one world
one nation
under God…
but then
the NFL happened
and as i watched
as cowards-
yes to me they are cowards
take a knee,
for nothing to do with our flag
i thought,
WOW,
and Las Vegas
the shock
the hatred
the hurt
inflicted on so
many innocent
loving people
i felt
deep sadness
and loss
that our God,
my
God has seen
He knows everything
is He tired of
the greed
the insanity
the horrific killings???…


God knows
as a nation
we are
dying…
are you?
dying inside?
are you
questioning life?
your purpose?
your calling?
your worth?
because
i
AM…
i do not understand
hatred
i don’t see
color of skin
and i embrace
whomever
you wish to
love in this life.
i just want
happiness…
i want to know
that no matter what
in
America
i
am SAFE…
my hands
look like my mothers
big veins
wrinkled
and at times
failing me
when i need to grasp
a paintbrush
pencil
or
fork…
i know
i am aging
i
get
this…
but i don’t want to fight
for
any one thing in life
i want to wake up with
the smile i had
BEFORE
i want to rise up
knowing
i have a paint class
to prepare for
like
BEFORE
i want to anticipate
the arrival
every day
of our grandson
knowing,
like
BEFORE
he is always the
brightest spot of
my every day…
i want to see
my handsome hubby
smiling as he leaves for work
entering exhausted 12 hours later
give him a kiss
share our meal
express gratitude
to God
all
like
BEFORE…
but
now
there is only
AFTER,
a
time of
WTF?
how do i do this?
can i get all this done today?
who do i call?
how do i pay for it?
what is happening now
in the world?
and the endless stream
of the news media
sensationalizing
everything,
fake news
and the knowing
life has changed
forever…
there is one thing
which for me
that has not been broken
my faith…
every day,
i myself
TAKE
A
KNEE,
out of respect
for my Father
my belief
that no matter what
happens in my life
one day
i will be home
in HIS hand
without worry or pain
and for me
this is a continual flowing
of healing balm
which always
gives me
peace…
when did life
become so exhausting ?
when i started fighting
a reality
i cannot change
and forgot
to just give it all
to God…
i thought it was too much
for HIM
i thought HE was overloaded
i thought
HE had enough
and therein lies the problem…
I
THOUGHT,
instead of prayed,
for small moments…
and in that blast of
my idiocy
God simply
graced me with
exhaustion
allowing me time
to absorb
the knowledge
i can do nothing
unless it is through HIM
with HIM
and by HIM…

 

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