carried through blank at nautilus teachings

 

blank
/blaNGk/

bare, empty,
showing incomprehension or no reaction
an empty space or period of time

i am standing in my kitchen
it is lunchtime
i know i need to eat
but
hunger
is hard to feel…

in the morning mirror
i stare and think about
washing my face
putting on makeup
and brushing my hair
as my tiny bit of energy
begins to drain
just thinking about
this small task…

the sun
sparkles in the sky
yet i notice
the few gray clouds
floating
then my mind reels back
to the flooding in
my street
from Irma
and the next week
from her
evil twin…

feeling empty
right now is ok
anger is gone
fear has left
sleep is slowly
coming back
the house looks normal
the office and studio
will take longer
but for the most part
routine is screaming at me
and
ya know what?
i
am
still….

i keep thinking
i should be
hauling something in
to my garage
for protection
or that i need to
run for supplies
but then i look at
our jugs of water-
we are down to 8
one gallon containers
and our gas is no longer
5 full but 2.
life
is
calling me
and i feel
unresponsive…
the dogs
are lazier than usual
Ry is even
more quiet than
he normally is
and although i make a daily list
like i always have
somehow
i just don’t care if i get it all done…
i am literally vacant
of thought processes,
it’s like my brain
just hung a sign,
“out”…

you have seen
people sitting
staring
out the window
calmly they breathe
sometimes they shut
their eyes and nap
but mostly
they
just
exist…

this
is
how
i
feel

to say my get up and go
has
gone
gone
gone
would be an understatement
i am not even sure
i have
an ignition switch
at this time

exercise is the only thing
that gives me energy
and a desire to
get
shit
done…
so,
as soon as i can
i just
begin the motions
and soon
i am smiling
singing
and ready
to write
paint
clean
chat
play…

it’s not until around 6
i begin
once more to feel
depleted
so i pop dinner
in the oven
grab a shower
light my candles
and pray…
soon d is home
dinner is over
and we are quietly
watching something on
the television
that i truly
just don’t care about…
my bed is calling
very loudly
and by 9:30
i am under covers
with the AC cranked down
boys by my side
snoring peacefully
until once more i wake
heave a sigh
slowly unwind my
knotted body
and
begin
again…

every day
my empty tank
seems to be gaining fuel
life is seeping back
and finally
i am waking
with a smile
a lightness
a knowing
peace has returned
i am right on schedule
and my lists
don’t seem so ominous,
in fact
i am looking forward
to accomplishing
the multitude of things
i have scribbled
on a piece of paper…
i am excited to see Ry
for d to go to work
to play ball with the boys
gaze up at the sun
welcome a new day
and say,
“God, thank you
for blessing my life
and for not leaving me
when i am down…”
and of course
i hear God chuckle and say,
“remember child,
it is in these times
i am always carrying you…”

 

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