attempting freedom at nautilus teachings

sher knew her parents loved her
she never understood
why her father could not
really show it
and because he could not
she
could
not…
dory was beautifully
wrapped up in
faith
volunteering
leading
helping
working
devoting her life
to friends
and family…
her dad worked long hours
laughed with her mom
yelled at her brothers
worked on the house
and in the yard
in so many ways
he was like a normal dad
there just was never
any conversations
sher was being told
what to do
where to go to school
who to date
what to eat,
but mostly
she felt
ignored by him…
so when her mom
made a “date for her”
well,
she once more obeyed…
now
mr. blue eyes
kept shuffling across
her brain…
how sher was raised was not
bad,
nor was it wrong
it is just her truths.
why she felt this way
what she lived through
could not have been changed
because her mother
was never given any power.
she was not allowed to work
or use discipline.
sher believe’s if dory was able
to work and
to use her voice
she’s childhood
as well as that of her three brothers
would have been completely different.


sher looks at her beautiful aunts family
and thinks WOWZA!
now that is what dory wanted.
several years ago sher had a
nice chat with her aunt
about her mom and so many
other wonderful memories.
one of the things she did share
with sher was
she was allowed to discipline
her children.
inside of sher her whole life
was this loud voice screaming
leave me alone
i want to run away.
she planned her escape
many times
stashed money
and always had a bag packed-
even when she was 11.
when mr. blue eyes
entered her life,
well,
sher thought,
‘why not! you only live once
and my mother will never know…’
she sat at the table
learned to play cards
drank cold beer
ate real food
and laughed
all the while her
‘date’
sat sulking on a chair
with his boring friends.
mr. blue eyes
and sher hit it off right away
soon they had snuck out
and were walking in the muddy grass
to his tent…
after a serious session
of making out
they exchanged numbers
as well as addresses
and left the tent…
her date was standing there
smirking,
“it’s time to go…”
she followed him to his truck
after nodding goodby to mr. blue eyes.
he was so mad he floored the gas
and the truck sunk in the mud!
soon mr. blue eyes and his whole crew
including sher
were behind the truck pushing
it to hard ground, when
WHAM
nearly everyone shoving the truck
landed face first in the mud.
soon belly laughter took over.


soon, each person stood up
rinsed themselves with the hose
and changed clothes…
sher’s date stayed in the truck.
mr. blue eyes brought her some dry
sweatpants and sweatshirt.
she changed in the girls tent
hopped in the truck
and began the 30 minute drive
to this guys mother’s house.
it
was
silent.
sher took a hot shower
and went to bed.
mid way through the night
he
entered
her
room
expecting
to be
‘paid’
for
being her date.
she felt him climb into the bed
she felt him against her
and she knew
this would never happen again.
she rolled over
facing him in the dark…
‘why are you in here?’
“you owe me..
now lay still while i fuck you…”
sher froze.
then she began to cry.
she cried so loud
soon his mother was in her room
as he slid into the closet
trying to hide…
his mother
never got an explanation
from sher as to why she
was crying
but sher fell into
this soft woman’s arms
as if they were her own moms…
the sun rose
she had breakfast
and climbed into the truck with him
for the 2.5 hr dreaded ride home.
he played the music loud the whole way
never said a word
and drove very fast
all the while sher sat
with her head hanging out the window
tiny tears taking flight
in the wind.


when she got home
she jumped out
ran in the house
and took a long hot shower.
soon her mom knocked
on her door,
“hey, sher. i just got off the phone
with…mom…she said you were
crying all night. what happened?”
what she wanted to say was,
‘i met the cutest boy ever
and he gave me his number and address…’
but what she said was,
“i was just tired and had to much beer, mom.”
“oh, are you going to see him again, dear heart?”
“no, mom. i’m tired. love you…”
and with that,
sher rolled over
and pretended to go to sleep.
she would never tell her mom
what almost happened
she would never go on a blind date again
from this day forward
sher was going to make her own decisions
she would be strong
find her voice
become an artist and writer
and marry who she wanted one day…
but for now
her father ruled
her mother obeyed
and sher
like the good daughter,
echoed all she was taught
until the end of august 1980…
‘this may be his choice of school
and i may be registered
in the classes he chose,
but from this day forward
i make my own choices…’
she thought to herself
with a tiny grin
expanding upon her face…

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