anger, faith, life at nautilus teachings

 

when i rose up Sunday
at 7:40,
after lying awake in bed
since 4am
dozing and praying
i
was
MAD…
i hate this feeling
i never get mad
i don’t like anger
but i was ready to roar
and that is exactly
what i did…
d rounded the corner
and
BAM
i said,
‘i am done. no one is allowed in my studio again
after today. no more fans. no more mess.
no more, no more
NO MORE…
i am done’
he looked at me as if i was crazy,
which in all fairness at the time,
i
was….
needless to say
before church it was
an unsettling start,
especially
when i stopped at the studio
before going to church
and i see a man in a mask
leaving my studio
without my permission
saying…
“i had to take out a chunk of wall…”
my head spun around
i am sure like the kid in the exorcist
and i said,
‘really? let’s go see it together…’
in actuality all he had done
was peeled a layer off a small
part of my wall
and so i smiled
and said,
‘thank you…’
a bit later,
when i sat
listening to
the pastor about faith
talking about people
who claim they are born again
when in reality
we are all born over and over
again and again
in our faith as we grow…
he posed the question
when did you find faith?
at that very moment
i closed my eyes
tears formed
and i wanted to shout out
‘i was born into faith…
all i know is faith…’
because
this
is
my
truth…


i never questioned my faith-
EVER-
i just always felt the hand of God
cradling me
holding me
leading me
encompassing me…
i turned my eyes downward
and began saying prayers
to God,
one by one
as the pastor spoke-
waaaaaay to long
about samuel
his mother hannah
who was barren,
prayed for a son
and then gave him over to God
after he was born…
i know the story
so to be caught up in my own
silent little prayers
about how i need calm
for peace
healing
love
understanding
patience,
as my thoughts turned
to all of the families
suffering at that very moment
and how blessed i was
i felt,
well
small…
after church
i met my hubby and the floor man
in studio to discuss plans
on what to do with my ugly
terrazzo floor-
i know,
i know…
some of you are terrazzo lovers-
i am
NOT…
while awaiting his arrival
d and i reset my studio-
again-
as i watched it slowly
come back to life
i paused
to wipe tears…
i am just a simple girl
who loves
teaching art.
yes,
i have a message to share
yes,
i want everyone to love
what they paint
yes,
i want to change people’s lives
one color at a time
yes,
i am a crazy artist
but seeing the studio
in it’s raw
empty
paintingless
beauty
overwhelmed me…


all
anger
had faded in church
and now
was rapidly flowing
down stream
away from me…
how do you deal with anger?
do you get angry?
this is all new to me
because for nearly 55 years
i felt i deserved ugliness
to be hurled at me
but now
no
more…
d says,
‘honey,
you are never silent.
everyone knows how you feel
what you think and believe,
don’t you get that?’
no
i
don’t…
i’m just a girl
who loves to write
loves color
painting
and who is buoyed
by her faith…
i never found faith,
it has been part of me
since i took my first breath
and know
even in the womb,
God
was
there…
God is everywhere.
he hears all
knows all
sees all
and still loves us
even
in
our
anger…
tonight
i will sleep well.
i am calm.
my tiny studio
is coming alive
we have a plan
for a floor
and a date for a
grand re-opening…
d’s office will be finished
by the first of the year
and life appears to be
returning to normal
to routine
to the doldrums of
a life i love…
healing is what i need
time to mend
after this crazy
5 weeks of a woman
i dislike-
IRMA…
as i close my eyes
and dream of my new
sub stained blue floor
as i anticipate
fridays class faith
as i look forward to
all of you painting with me
come months end,
i pause
i smile
i shed a few tears
knowing
for some crazy reason
we
all
were
saved…
and that,
my friend
is enough reason to
celebrate life …

 

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