wednesdays at nautilus teachings


today was my
even though
it’s a monday…
i had not seen
mom for a couple
of weeks,
but what i loved about today
was that it was raining…
it was a day
i would normally
take it all to myself,
that what my
usually are…
for a long time now
i had not had
my monday’s
so today was
my first monday,
but i needed it to be
a wednesday…
i needed to see mom.
it’s raining,
there is soft music playing
in my car
the wipers are gently
soothing me,
the AC is blasted,
which i LOVE-
i am still
hot and sweaty
from the gym,
my green tea is in my had
and i am getting ready
to drive over the bridge.
the peace
of this day
is enveloping me
and i feel the stress
of the last 7 months
begin to waterfall off of me…

it’s been a long journey.
a lot of craziness.
there has been some anger
and a ton of negative vibrations,
but today
i get to drive
in the rain
to go see mom,
it’s such a gentle, cloudy rain
that it is peaceful…
i remember a month ago
after all the happenings
with mom
being in the hospital
and rehab
doc undergoing his
second surgery
and needing me
due to his pain,
not being able to take
because it would cloud
his genius brain
and he needs to be
100% clear to help people
makes him deal with intense pain
how to manage it-
i cannot fathom it
i can empathize for him
but i cannot even
imagine what he is suffering through…
a month ago
i was weeping
in my car
a block from moms
assisted living,
eating doritos
and drinking a water,
something i never ever do
because i just don’t eat
junk food…
i tell you this because
we all
my way is either
throwing paint
hiding in a corner
all of the above combined
and on a rare occasion
when i believe
i am worthless
i am no good
i am stupid
i buy a single serving bag
of doritos
and munch on them…

don’t we all have those days?
but today,
is not one of those days…
it’s a beautiful
rainy day
people are driving slow
some are meandering with
but it’s almost as if
life is in
slow motion
i love it,
i just love it!
so whether or not this
is a monday
that is supposed
to act and dress up like a
or a wednesday
that acts like a friday,
i embrace this
whole beautiful mess
of my colorful life
every day
i get to wake up
is a gift…


Read More wednesdays at nautilus teachings

history triggers at nautilus teachings


we all have a history,
chapters we may
wish we could burn
but it would never
erase the scars
or repair the
tears in our heart…
once in a while
a memory
takes root
wraps around a
tiny piece of our soul
and refuses
to be weeded out…
it’s as if
lifted the burden
healed the throbbing pain
but every now and then a
comes screaming
out of nowhere
taking you completely
by surprise
and you find yourself
taking it out on
someone you dearly love
of which
it is no fault…
for me i have two triggers
french music
and anger…
the first may sound silly
so let me explain…
26 years ago
i was a manager for
limited clothing
in chicago
and i was pregnant
with my annie…
it was the age of leggings
with drop waisted
of which fit perfectly
for every pregnant woman
and made the long tall girls
look even leaner…
their music that played
was french
and i was horribly sick
my entire pregnancy…
fast forward
26 years
and whenever i hear
any french music
i get nauseous,
then i giggle
think of my annie lynn
take a deep breath
remembering what it was like
to be young, crazy
the world at my feet…


the second,
is my
weakest link…
since my healing journey began
12 years ago
i have worked very hard
to not let loose my tongue-
i am human
and unfortunately
when i was pushed to far
on a few occasions
i have let it rain down
on someone i loved so much…
i hated myself for it
but i sat with it
the events which led to it
and began working
even harder…
any moment i felt
riling me up
i closed my eyes
said the Lord’s prayer
breathed in
and left the room…
i walked away from anger.
it was a choice
i was consciously able to make
because i had faith
that turning to God
at every moment of my life,
not just the bad or good ones,
but even in the boring
routine ones
was what my soul needed
to rest
and grow…
so this past week
when this young beauty
the one i lost my temper
with over and over
for 4 years
came home…

for the 5 nights
she was here
i hugged her
kissed her
told her i loved her
and on the morning she left
i cried-
not in front of her
but when i had the chance
to sit
to miss not seeing her car
or beautiful smile
when i walked in…
she is a gypsy
this young maiden,
i have the honor of
being her mom
knowing her
watching her grow
into her self
is a long, slow process-
kinda like watching
chocolate chip cookies
bake in the oven…
first they melt
-our arguments-
then they firm up
-we both grew –
just enough
to be soft on the inside
-we still love
and forgive each other-
and soon
their delicious aroma
fills your house
-she came home-
making you wanting
to sit with them
and a cold glass of milk
-or a glass of wine-
anger hurts not just
the person who is yelling
but the person who is
being yelled at…
i am no longer
a victim
and people
do have a right
to get mad,
but for this girl-
she keeps keys close
knowing silence
is just one
car ride away
as long as
i can hit my
anger management playlist
sing at the top of my lungs
all while crying
and driving
myself back into
the palm of
God’s hand…

Η αγάπη θα μας σώσει μόνο αν την καλέσουμε…  Με όλη τη καλή διάθεση προς τους φίλους Έλληνες… Τα σχόλια με greeklish ή και με αγγλικές λέξεις, θα διαγράφοντε απευθείας!!! 'Οσων το πληκτρολόγιο δεν έχει ΕΛΛΗΝΙΚΑ ας κάνουν μετάφραση στο διαδίκτυο σε Ελληνικά !!! Όλα γίνοντε με καλή καρδιά… :) Ευχαριστώ για την κατανόηση… 

Read More history triggers at nautilus teachings

bed love at nautilus teachings


i am in love
with my bed.
every night
i get to crank down
the AC to 71
snuggle under
my blanket
and snooze…
i have animated dreams
that i can wake up from
go to the bathroom
and come right back to.
i can even remember a dream
from the night before
and pick that back up…
three nights ago
my mom
visited me…
i only get to see her
randomly now
as it’s been 29 years-
i am not cray cray
she comes in
like a scented breeze
i hear my name
see her big brown eyes
feel her hand
touch my back
and know
she is present…
this particular night
was proceeded
by several weeks
of contemplation.
i had been tossing around
a few ideas of
how i wanted to
step out of my
cornered world
and begin the second
half of my life
giving back…
i knew my studio
was my first love
writing my second
helping woman and children
comes in third…
but my studio is,
thankfully good
the words flow
as my second book
is awaiting illustrations
before going to print
and then the calls
and the emails
inviting me to expand
to walk through 2 new doors…

b8b42ea55327228c4ed5fe60f811a64cnow, ask d this if you must,
but i am a perfectionist
control freak
about my life
i like order
planned itineraries
so my first thought was,
i cannot fit this in…

have you ever done that,
thought nope first,
before even considering it?
i am good, strong and clear
with my NOPES!
but lately
God has been whispering to me
and i have been listening
i know He has bigger plans
for me
i can feel it…
so i did not say, ‘no’
i said,
‘tell me more, let’s meet’
so i read the emails
listened over coffee
drove to a commissioners meeting
stood in front of
and with people i had never met
and said,


pushing ourselves
to grow further
can be a bit scary
but d always says,
challenge your fears
and chase your dreams…’
i love my
colorful world
the messy order
of it,
that only
i can see…
i love picking up a brush
to blank canvas
and creating an image
that will make you smile
‘am i where i am supposed to be…’
at this moment in my life
i can shout out loud
a resounding
so to the two women
who had faith in me
and my story,
who believe
i am the right person
to help their
organizations grow,
thank you.
i still will love
falling into my bed
every night,
look out world
you will be seeing me
in places
i have never been
changing, healing and helping
women and children
find their buoyancy
release their lives
through color
all the while
to His voice,
faith has been
and will always be
my guide
which is why
this ole girl
always chooses
faith over fear…


Read More bed love at nautilus teachings

firefighters at nautilus teachings


i held in my hands
the helmet of
a fireman…
serving Cape Canaveral
E52, E53, E54
T52, D53
“Tasmanian Devils…”
he has many helmets
each one all singed
from the fires
he has battled
throughout his
the weight
is heavy
yet the memories
of all the fires
seemed weightless…
a man of passion
a deep down need
to save lives,
he is a wave rider,
who on the side
shaped surfboards
his whole life
for friends
and family…
now retired
he continues to
bring beauty to
wood and foam
his signature
a flame…
his words,
“wanna paint this?”
as he held up his hat.
my reaction,
“never… this is sacred…”
we exchanged smiles.
i believe he knew,
i understood…
this man is a dear friend
our ours,
his beautiful wife,
sweet and kind…
together –
i see him in the
grocery store
always smiling,
at peace
and sometimes
i wish we could sit
so he could tell me
his stories
of his passion
to fight fires
save lives…


was he ever sad?
felt helpless?
how many lives
did he save?
but i would never cross
that line
because what he holds,
to me
there is another fireman
who’s hands are so large
and strong,
he once picked
up a a 35 gallon
garbage can
filled with ice
like it’s a feather…
this man,
this sweet
big hearted
guy filled with strength
was there
from Queens, New York
they are the
“flaming skulls”
L-116 (ladder)
E-261 (engine)
he met my d,
in the airport…
he flying home,
d, flying up to help
in any way he could
to honor his grandfather
Captain Billy Burke,
they became brothers…
to this day
they are bonded
in a way
i could never
but i love this guy.
he is a
“gentle giant”
his sacrifice
for he gave his life
to save those
who survived
the worst attack
against our
American soil..

two firemen
from different backgrounds
each believing,
each living
in the knowing
their presence
was not just powerful
but they were given the ability
to save lives…
they waved
their right
to live
by vowing
to lay down their lives
to save others…
who does this?
my cousin,
who i think of as my sister
has two sons
who are firefighters
in Chicago….
i wonder,
does she worry about
her sons?
Gurnee Fire
Station 1
Truck 1331
and the other
a candidate
in search of his
firehouse home…
i am thinking,
the powerful
strong women
that raised these sons or married them:
men, who learned
to put others first-
i do not know
their individual stories
what i do know
is they are amazing men
who risk their lives daily
they fearlessly
run into
burning homes
they pry people
from car crashes,
dive into waters
breathing life
into the dying
all done
ever aware of the
imminent dangers they face,
‘i could die…’
there is not a day
i do not think
of pulling over
to let a firetruck
i love when they drive
through our hood
allowing us
regular peeps
to wave at them
thinking to myself,
‘i wish i had super powers,
like them…’
my mind drifts back
to his hat…
the weight of it
the strength of it
what it represents…
it makes me feel small
and also assures me
no matter what
there will always be
a soft smile
a strong hand
a big heart
if ever i need,
to save me
in a time of need…
and for this gift
i am eternally grateful…


Read More firefighters at nautilus teachings

stopping at nautilus teachings


and then,
she stopped…
all the cracks
of the past week
radiated light.
she could see again
hear God’s voice
and in this instant,
she knew…
the arrows
pointed in many directions
new paths lie ahead
but for a moment
right now
she stopped,
felt the softness
of a clean sweatshirt
the coolness
of her leather rocking chair
touched her damp
freshly shampooed hair
lit a candle
poured a glass of wine
breathed in stillness
have you ever
been faced with choices-
with life changing,
even though you did not ask
for them
you know the ones,
that whisper,
“sheri, sheri, sheri….
i’m here,
at first
you tune them out.
life is good!
ebbing and flowing
with ease
everyone is happy,
so why,
at this moment
this crazy time in your life
do you hear,
“it’s time…
follow me…
open the doors…”

you push on
and all of sudden
everything begins
to un-sync
your iPod stops working
your dog has hives
classes are empty
creativity, a struggle
matthew arrives…
as the wind blows
and the rain pours
you hear it again,
“wake up.
it’s time
don’t be afraid
this is what
i have been
leading your towards
preparing you for
it’s time
my dear child…”
so today,
she stopped.
fell to her knees
and one by one
began to open
the new doors…
she felt like a kid again
she was happy
fear had left
and she knew
God’s nudges,
his repeated whispers,
her faith
always buoyed her
keeping her balanced…
for a while now
she had been sleeping
10-12 hours a night
feeling sad
in the knowing
‘times are a changin’
but this,
it was part of her dream…
faith has a way
of settling in around us
every thought
if we allow our
souls to settle
listening to silence
for it is only in
this kinda weird
and awkward feeling moment,
His whispers begin…
we just have to be patient
riding out all the storms
getting lost in
daily routines
for it is only then
He challenges us
to step over our fears
and begin
again and again…

it is during our weakest moments
we find strength
we grow a bit more in spirit
allowing courage
to emanate from
all our cracks
as our voice sings out,
“i hear you,
oh Heavenly Father…
i hear you.
guide me
take my hand
mold me
one thing i know for sure
in my life,
God has never let me down
i have never been alone
His unconditional love
and forgiveness sustains me
it has only been i,
who stopped listening
turned the other way
thought i knew it all
and every time i believed
i was beaten
up against a brick wall
it was His hand that
cradled me
His whispers
that fed me
and His love
that picked me up
leading me
down the right path
the chosen sandy
foot printed lane
back into grace…
i urge you today
to stop!
find 5 minutes
just for you
“in the stillness of life,
faith grows…”


Read More stopping at nautilus teachings

puzzle people at nautilus teachings


i love puzzles
love creating mosaic’s…
as you pick up
each tiny piece
search for the
right spot
the perfect connection
a smile glides
across your lips
putting my home back
after matthew,
cleaning up
throwing out
cutting down
rolling curbside
has been
to some degree
i have enjoyed
the energy
as my fingers
stretch behind plants
and grab
all different size leaves
in multiple colors
and layers
of life
all connected,
against their will
from the rooted home
they once clung to…
we do not know
when our time is up
our last breath
will be taken…
in an instant,
you can be gone.
if this storm
teaches us anything
at all
it is


that life is temporary
that laughing
in candlelight
while playing a board game
with your kids
and spouse
while eating
from a jar
is actually fun!
that all those
texts and emails
really were
able to wait
while you sat still
and really
listened to someone
you love talk…
it reminds us
how important
family, friends
even strong leadership
really is…
in each family
there is one person
who is the backbone.
the one who
can focus
get it all done
keep everyone
the one who packs
the extra toilet paper
even your favorite
blanky or shirt
just because
they know
what will comfort you…
loosing electricity
meant silence
even the hum of all
the generators
was soothing
in a weird way…
it sent the signal out

cocoa beach
was saved
from the worst
which drown so many
and towns…
as we all cried
leaving our homes
praying over and over
it would still be there
as FPL, firemen, policemen
and workers of every
fix it profession sat
waiting to come help
once the storm was past
this other little storm
gracefully took
Matthews hand
and lead him just
far enough
out to sea,
why were we spared?
no one knows.
i myself
saw this as a
wake up sign
from God…
my life has been
and i have been
praying for guidance
as to whether or not
i begin two new paths
which i hope will lead
to more opportunities…
i love my life
my studio
my ladies
and kids
who paint
and that won’t stop
but my true faith calling
is to help women
and children.
my first book
Nautilus: A Message of Faith
was read by over 2,000 people
that i know of-
maybe more, if it was past around…
my next book
is ready to print
“the girl and the box…”
I believe we are all
a mixed up
beautiful mosaic
of the people
and stories
of our life,
woven together
with the golden thread
of faith…
so tonight
you have the opportunity
to remember-
life is short.
sit at the table
say a family prayer
everything can wait!
that 20 minutes
of togetherness
builds memories
and bonds
that last for
put simply
“love the peeps you’re with!”


Read More puzzle people at nautilus teachings

ode to bathrooms at nautilus teachings


some are sparse
others fancy
but for the most part
it’s a place of release
letting go
not just of food
but of the crumbs
dust, and pain of a day
to turn on that shower
feel it upon your skin
or soak in a heated tub
lit by candles
cool drink in hand
in a small way
they are a type
of sanctuary.
my entire life
my mom
referred to it as
‘dads throne room’
this still makes me giggle
because to men
it is home…
they have their books
some watch tv in their
maybe drink a beer,
it’s the one place
will disturb them-
unlike women
if we go in there
the cat or dog follows us
kids wander in,
so, for us
its just one of the
“ugh, i have to pee again’

growing up
we were always directed,
“you better pee before
we leave,
because we are not stopping…”
and we never stopped
unless we were on a rare
then my mom would escort me
and my dad would go with
my brothers
for a
“this is a quick,
stop, drop and pee,
now let’s go!”
i in turn raised
my children the same way
“make sure you go
before we leave…
it’s 3 hours and we are not stopping…”
right now,
i am giggling
at all the memories
rushing over me
about bathrooms…
i recently
renovated my shower area
as most of you know.
it was a mess
for three weeks,
and every day
after the workmen left
i scrubbed it top to bottom…
i don’t usually go to
a restroom in public
but with aging
i find i have to pee
all the flipping time!
i am,
and always will be
a customer of target.
recently their toilet debacle
closed down a number
of their stores.
i just don’t get all this madness-
who let’s their young child
go into any public restroom alone?!!!


no one i know.
we all have a need to be accepted
just as we all need the release
of a clean seat
and a few sheets of toilet paper
which brings me back to
sometimes ya can’t make it
until you get home…
my husband goes in every
bathroom in every place
we visit
just to wash his hands…
i know the minute we enter
he will disappear!
regardless of what your
current bathroom looks like
if there are towels on the floor
the trash bin overflowing
in need of a good scrub
or a beautiful calm
peace filled sanctuary
you breath in and out
the feeling of
washing off the day.
it’s a place we all need….
if you are afraid of public
then i leave you with the reminder
of the words my mom drilled
into my head,
“ok, sher, let’s stop, drop and pee
so your dad can get on the
road again…”
always followed,
of course,
with a wink and a smile…


Read More ode to bathrooms at nautilus teachings

my aftermath at nautilus teachings


hurricane matthew
has past us …
we sit.
it’s pitch black
almost eerily, scary…
outside neighbors are laughing
with friends.
are humming
the night is still
a sliver of a moon
stars bright
life has become
full of simplicity…
i met neighbors i never knew
and realized
i am too busy in life
i need to stop
and listen to life’s song
smell the ocean
let it tickle my toes more
embrace the cool breeze
that knots my hair
be thankful every time
my AC kicks on
or i grab an ice cube
flush a toilet
take a warm shower
sit with my candles
run my dogs
swim in my pool
breathe in life
and express gratitude…
for my life
my home being safe
for our friends
who took us
and our two big beasts in,
just for life
for prayers being answered…


angels protecting us

and God saying,
“sher, this is not your time…”
i blow out all the candles
make a HUGE
without ice
because our power
is taking a rest
while we pause
and remember
what so many people
live without…
Publix is open
there are lights
our entire neighborhood
but we,
are always the last
to get power
on their grid…
we have made calls
but to no avail
we still are dark.
but this time
our dear friend
gave us a portable AC…
so now,
we sit in darkness
with our generator humming
while we are dry
from this crazy
amazing AC
three fans blowing upon us
American pie
on my mega screen computer
from my studio
laughing our asses off
just this tiny blip
in life.


the power of mother natures force
could have done so much damage to us
flooded our homes
torn off our roofs
but for some reason
i walk outside
and our friends
from across the canal pull up
‘hey!!! how are you ?
how did your home do?’
“well, we lost half our roof
from a micro burst…”
i want to pick her up
hug her and bring her into
my mini AC room…
‘i am so sorry…
can i do anything?”,
i ask…
‘no, the insurance company
was great.
we are alive.
we are good.
thank you,
my friend….’
and then
they drive away.
i want to run after them
and scream,
“come live with us…”
but they are gone
as fast as they came.
i walk back into my
HOT house
and enter
my AC room…..
then i close my eyes
think about the last 3 days
and know
without a doubt
God’s hand
away from us.
He saved us..
and for this
i will actually go
to d’s
Catholic church
kneel down
and be filled
with the knowing
are priceless
and i,
myself, need to
express to them,
more frequently
how much i love
and appreciate them…
looks like a party is on the books
for Sheri’s house…


Read More my aftermath at nautilus teachings

sheri’s house at nautilus teachings


10 years ago
d and i married…
at this time his walls
and ceilings were all
painted a shade
of leaf green-
like the painter
bought a 5 gallon bucket
and kept adding white to it
with each room he painted!
the master bedroom
was burnt red
counter tops
were peach
tile flooring was
peach, purple, tannish mix…
please, stop me now,
or i may have to scream
out loud,
instead i will giggle.
he was a man
on a budget
his home after divorce
and bought
everything on clearance…
then i appeared
we fell in love
got married
the first to go was his
‘trophy wall’
a 8’ tall x 20’ long
green mush of
what photos she left him
and some were duplicates
all framed
and hanging
floor to ceiling…
at the end of the wall
was a tiny three foot
wicker shelving unit
which held every trophy
he had acquired since the divorce…
are you giggling?
because i am.
every friend he had, whispered,
“you took the wall down…thank you”
then they smiled.


over the course of the next year
i completely made over
the entire house, pool and added
a front porch
which houses my
beloved teak furniture
that was stolen
and i fought to get back,
i have put mosaic on walls,
breakfast bars
and stem walls.
i replaced every
piece of his furniture
with new stuff
i am making this our home…
granite counter tops
new bathrooms
and i even
and threw away
the remnants in drawers of
his ex marykay girl friend
and her smart mouthed daughter
not to mention some
tiny notebook that said
‘i kissed……today…i wonder
if she’s the one…’
the list goes on and on…

the good news is
his office got a makeover!
we replaced all his old furniture
and paintings
with everything from the house!
so technically,
he still has his stuff!
but the funny thing that
came from all of this was
our dear friend h…
h lovingly named our home
‘sheri’s house…’
whenever we have a bash
or invite them over
he smiles
and says,
‘oh, you mean Sheri’s house…’
this brings a chuckle from
all who are listening.
we all have past yuk!
but it is the
woman’s job
to make sure
she does not forget
to clean the attic
(of which we found
mini wine bottle remnants galore
from his ex-wife, after renovations)
the guest closets
and dressers
every nook and cranny,
get in there
and make it
now for those of you
who have never
been divorced
God bless you…
but for the majority
of women i know,
i say
take control
if he loves you
that shit goes…
give him one
Tupperware bin
to store his
‘memories’ in,
that’s it,
then cram it way back
in the attic
or bury it in the yard…
one by one
replace every bit
of his clothes
from the moment
you said
‘i do’
your lives were joined
you accept his past
as he does yours
your both accept the baggage
you do not have to
sleep in her bed
sit on her furniture
look at the paintings
they picked out together
on vacation or at a show
or accept any piece
of hers as yours…
even towels!
let it all go
pack up garbage bags
call your favorite
donation affiliation
and give it away…
then roll up your sleeves
put on your favorite music
and get to work
on making it
your own love shack,
as i fondly refer to ours…
in the eyes of our friend, h
it will always be
‘sheri’s house’
and we will always joke
about it
between you and me
i love that the boys
have named
‘sheri’s house…’
because this chick
is going no where
until God calls me home…


Read More sheri’s house at nautilus teachings

raising your hand at nautilus teachings


raise your hand

if you ever had
a box with a table cloth
on it for a coffee table?
who used paper plates
plastic forks
and cups
in their early life?
ate pizza for
most meals?
picked up used
furniture on the
side of the road?
(i still do that!)
who ate hotdogs
cooked over a campfire
with their kids
and gazed at the stars
for entertainment?
do you remember when
eating on the floor
on new years eve
with newspaper
as your plate
while you at
crab legs
was a big night
and a treat?
i can still remember
getting my first
pit group in the 80’s.
i had left my husband
taken my tiny son
and started over
i did not care if
i had nothing
i wanted it all to be mine
something i worked for
picked out
so when it arrived
we sat upon it
and smiled
while my son said,
‘wow this is so soft,
can i sleep on it, mom?’
furniture for me
in those early days
was painting all
my walls with different murals
each room dedicated
to different paths…
ocean and beach walls
in the family room
disney characters in the play room
and on the walls in the bedrooms
hung my sons art…
the kitchen was always
a soft yellow.


i was good at being lower wage
it did not bother me
to rent a house
drive a older car
get food stamps or
take him to the clinic
for shots and checkups…
some of my happiest days
was when i was young
with little possessions…
life moved on
another marriage
more kids
lots of stuff-
most bought on time
with monthly payments
drawers overflowed
closets would not close
attic was full…

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: 2a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, 3a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, 4a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, 5a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, 6a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, 7a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, 8a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

i chose very few pieces
of my life to keep-
my mothers table
her blanket
her blue suitcase
the rocking chair she gave me
when i was expecting my son…
i in turn kept a few things
for each of my children…


these are the threads of my life
i wish to pass down
and as i age little by little
my home is becoming
very feng shui’d!
we no longer have a
huge pit group
that was passed to my son
just last week
as our new loveseat
and two rocking recliners
will be delivered this week
we are downsizing
preparing for old age
room to move around
for grandchildren to crawl in,
the space open
if a walker is ever needed
our home may be emptying
but our souls are filling up
with enormous amounts
of love and smiles
all filled with memories
we get to share
with our now grown kids
who’s homes are beginning
to resemble our homes
when we were young
mouths to clothe and feed
and life was at our doorstep…
the circle of life is beautiful
d and i are very grateful
for our health
a home
right now is our moment
to sit back
and enjoy not being needed,
the calm silence,
walking around the house naked!
whatever we want to do,
we do.
so, as my husband
always says,
in the event i goof up,
‘raise you hand and repeat after me, blondie…
i am embracing aging
i am filled with gratitude
for my life
and i accept all my flaws
because i know
i am unconditionally
loved and forgiven
by God…’

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Read More raising your hand at nautilus teachings

sobriety at nautilus teachings


being drunk…

a small number
of people
can honestly say
i have never tied one on…
but for most of us
we have had a time
or a few times
when we wake up
‘did i really text…’
‘omg! i can’t believe i said than’
‘that was so much fun,
but what was his name?’
this is usually followed
by a forehead slap
a giggle or
we just pull the covers
over our head
and fall back to sleep
hoping when we wake up again
wishing it was all just
a nightmare…
this is normal!
then there are those of us
who lived with
drug addicts
who never got
the chance to wake up
because every day
this was our living life.
granted one we chose
one we did not leave,
for whatever reasons
and one who’s scars
are etched upon
our souls as if it were yesterday…
i will not label this ptsd
but i can tell you
all it takes is a song,
a smell
a raised voice
or a place
to zap me back
to my yesterdays…
at the slightest hint
of anger
or drunkenness
i leave.

9925ec679e8c29040c4a424ded6079adyou are more likely

to find me
in a corner at any
than amidst
all the smiling conversations.
d is lucky if i even leave
his side,
he knows how
traumatic my life has been
he gets what it does to me
he understands
that anxiety
and fear
can suffocate me
in an instant,
he knows if he
gets angry
or even yells
it just sends me
weeping into darkness
i am inconsolable
and that it may take
a few days of self love
to come up smiling again…
which brings me to
i have many beautiful friends
who i love
who embrace
and thrive
in their sobriety
and then there are a few
i know who are what
d calls
‘dry drunks…’
mean spirited
these few-(for us 3 peeps)
were all embraced
every time they got sober
given a place to stay
taken care of
then over and over
they went back
to drinking…
after years of torturing
those who loved them
at their worst
they have turned
their backs
on the love given
and now labeled
with words
too vile to print…
they are leading
sober lives
much around them
not being accountable
for their past
not asking for
accept blaming
those that loved
at their lowest of lows…


for me
the worst part
is their memory.
they don’t remember
most of what they said
or what they did
they don’t remember your
they think
you are to blame
for their missing
they are incapable of seeing
you held
the family together
cleaned up all their
did the best you could
in the hurricane
of a life they created
for you all to live in…
the verdict is still
inconclusive to
whether or not
is a disease…
one thing i know
for sure is
he may be sober
devoting his life
to missionary work
while his daughter
thinks he hangs the moon
and stars
or he may be
running marathons
living the good life
while blaming
his mother and family
or he,
now lying with hospice
will be leaving behind
a beautiful family
that loved him…
while all this is happening
it only takes
one small thing
for survivors
of their storms
to be drowning
once more
in the memories
they cannot forget
or erase
because in those
long years of
taking care of them
they lost themselves
and in their recovery
the light still blinks,
‘maintenance required soon…’


Read More sobriety at nautilus teachings

talking to yourself at nautilus teachings


do you ever talk to yourself?
if so,
do you answer back?
we have all seen people
walking around
arms stretched upward
eyes gazing
toward heaven
they aimlessly
words rolling off
their tongues
not caring
really if anyone is listening
because they
are too caught up
in thought…
now some may say
‘they are a little bit cray cray…’
but are they really?
maybe they have chosen
this lifestyle
speaking their mind
about anything they wish
on street corners
at bus stops
in front of churches
or what about the guy
who sits outside
nodding his head
almost toothless
one foot missing
or the young man
who walks up and down
A1A smiling
eyes cast upward
sometimes stopping in
for coffee
or a bathroom break…
one of the things i
remember about my home,
is the guys who would
be preaching the bible
in the middle of winter
usually holding up
their handmade signs
‘praise Jesus’
‘Jesus forgives’
i once read an article
that stated
a large number of the
choose to live this way…

this made me sad.
who would choose to be
homeless and why?
i have not seen many woman
wandering the streets
mumbling to themselves
and i think this may be
because women as a whole
are more vulnerable
to be harmed in some way
and we will share an apartment
with 6 other women
or find a shelter
before we even would
consider living on the streets…
i love to talk to myself
whether i am cooking
‘whew, that’s too spicy, boys…’
‘you would think just once
he could wipe down the
f’ing sink, but nooooooo…’
‘let’s see if this color looks good…’
i guess i figure i am not
really talking to myself
but to my dogs
who are always by my side…
the boys answer with
tail wagging
they tilt their heads
wait for me to drop samples
of tonights dinner
my boys will even dance
with me
and if i start singing to them
they lay down
roll over and wait
for me to scratch
their belly…
d thinks i am cray cray!
he calls finn and reef my kids
they protect me
which begs the hysterical question
do the dogs talk themselves?
Finn talks all the time
he is a moaner
and if you are ignoring him
he will stand up
walk over and moan
he is my challenged child…
silent unless
he sees anything move outside
on the front porch
then he howls long and loud
almost like holding a bad note…

11 years ago my father’s first
visit here
i drove he and his wife
in my convertible
to Melbourne to see
a family friend.
it was a beautiful fall day
the sun was shining
music was crooning the oldies
as dad sat in the backseat.
on the way over i noticed
his lips were moving
and he would chuckle
we had our visit
then traveled home…
i noticed his lips moving
eyes lit up
then that laugh again…
after arriving home
we sat poolside
with our favorite beverages
and i asked my dad
‘dad, who were you talking to
in the backseat on the drive?’
my dad did not skip a beat
“myself! Sher! who else better
to talk to? i laugh at my jokes
like what i say
and there is no arguing…”
this made me smile
and think
now i know where
i get the crazy from.!’
but really
who cares if
we chat with ourselves
or wander the streets
with a message we need to share?
we all just want to be heard
to be listened to…
i for one
buy the man outside
a sandwich and water
whenever i see him
i wave at the young man
wandering down A1A
and if someone is talking
i listen…
my favorite thing
i see people doing
is cussing in cars
at the maniac drivers.
i see their middle finger
fly up
their lips open wide
and i just know
the are screaming
in their car
‘you f’ing idiot…
did you not see me?
use your blinker!
then i giggle
knowing i do this all
the time too
which means
the whole world
has gone just a little bit
cray cray!


Read More talking to yourself at nautilus teachings