a beautiful small life at nautilus teachings

a beautiful small life at nautilus teachings

 

 

“i lead a small life-
valuable,
but small,
and sometimes i wonder
is it because
i like it
or because i haven’t
been brave?
i don’t really want
an answer,
i just want to
send this cosmic
question out into
the void…”

three months ago
i posted,
‘i am no loner small,
i am alice…’
but in reality
i live in a small house
in a small town
in a small community
where i own
a small studio…
i have always loved
being ‘small’
i attended small
and private
high schools and
colleges
i have always
owned my own
businesses
which in hindsight
always had the potential
to grow larger
but again
i
loved
being
small…

did my fear of growth
stunt me?
probably.
but i love new beginnings
i love challenges
i love living outside
the expectations
of society
and creating
my own molds…
i have so many ideas
i can hardly contain myself,
so i’m writing them all down
on a long list and 2018
will be my year to
begin
again
and again
and again
different ideas
in hopes
some of you
still want to learn
to gather
to smile
with me
in my little
colorful studio
which looks out
on mother ocean…

i would love for you
to message me
text me
call me
what you want to learn
because i’ll bet
other women
wish to learn it to…
or may be you are looking
for a space to teach
what you love
and my studio
would work for you…

today,
during my soul book class
i was so interested
in all the cool techniques
everyone was using
that i hardly did anything
but listen and watch…
this is what gathering is about
sharing with each other
our knowledge in the arts,
crafts,
scrapbooking
printing
calligraphy
mixed media…
and during all of the
nearly 6 hours of
ladies gathering
together to create
i never once
felt sad
it was so inspiring
to be with women
who all have similar passions
as i do
that
well,
i felt
as if
i
was
home…

i have never
wished for fame
or fortune
never wanted to
be recognized
when i walk down
the street…
what i have
dreamed of,
always,
is
to
make
a
difference
in
the lives
of women
and children,
and so far
i think i have…
just today
i was talking to a friend
who paints with me
and she said,
‘ya know, you taught us all
the basics
and we just took it from there.
don’t be sad about this,
just know
you added
color to our lives-
you
made
a
difference
and you still can…’

i take in a deep breath,
look out on the twinkle lights
d and i spent the weekend hanging
for the holidays
i re-read texts i received
from so many people i love
and feel
full
blessed
calm…
the sky is pink
and each little
tiny white light
reminds
me of
wishing upon stars
as a child…

i dawns on me,
this
is
it…
i never stopped
being a kid,
i never wanted to
and i still
do
not
want to
grow up…
so,
when i embrace
the knowledge
that i am
no longer small
i fill myself up
with the knowing
i am ready
to open new doors
to continue on my path
and to not give up…
tiny bali studios
will still be open,
just in a different way
and really,
isn’t that what life
is all about-
change
growth
acceptance…

i may not have been
brave enough
in my past
and i may live
a beautiful small life
but this girl
is
ready
to
rise…

Read More a beautiful small life at nautilus teachings

another beginning at nautilus teachings

another beginning at nautilus teachings

 

‘it’s coming on Christmas…
i was missing my mother
so much
i almost couldn’t breathe…
i always miss my mother
at Christmas,
but somehow it is worse
this year
because i need her to
make me some Cocoa
and tell me
that
everything
that’s going badly
in my life
is going to sort itself out…’

my mom
just always knew…
she would softly say,
‘sher, dearheart…’
then she would brush
my long stringy hair
behind my ears
and i would melt
into her soft shoulders
sobbing,
whether i was 5 or
until i was 25,
when she died…
she would wrap me in
a warm hug
dry my tears
and say,
‘let’s go for a drive…’
sun, snow, warm, cold
the top was down,
the music was loud
her brown eyes twinkled
and her lips
curved up
in a soft smile…
i would close my eyes
cry
scream
sing
laugh
and always, always, always
hold her hand tight
when i could…
moms
just
know…

over the past
two weeks
i have heard from
and seen many
parents, kids and ladies
who painted with me
over the past 10 years…
the kids smile and wave
the parents hug me
and the ladies
stop me,
acknowledge
they know
i will not be personally
posting paint nights
and every one of them
pretty much says
a version of the same
things,
‘i know. ‘
‘no problem.’
‘i’m good.’
‘time for a break, anyway.’
i always leave
sad.
when i climb into my car
i grab my kleenex box
and begin
again,
saying goodbye
to faces i love…


d says,
it normal to be sad
and he also says,
‘don’t worry,
everything will be ok, love…
i have your back…’
but what i really need
right this minute
is my mom…
i have so much to tell her
so much i want to share
so many questions
i want to ask her
most importantly,
‘mom,
how do i find my way?’
my mom never seemed lost.
i saw her in heart pain
love pain
life pain
mom pain
but she was always
buoyant
through her faith…
always was on her knees
with her hands on those
giant gold painted
praying hands,
eyes closed,
tears streaming down her cheeks
talking to God.
when she was finished
she would pop open her eyes
smile and me
and say,
‘time for a coffee, lemonade, glass of wine…’
and together we would sit
in silence
knowing
no
matter
what
we always had each other…
i have two grown daughters
i miss
and love so much.
their lives are just
screaming by
and i am not a part of them.
oh, sure
we text and talk.
we see each other
at least once a year
but it’s not the same
as being there
every day
like i was
with my mom…

“people are always saying
that change is a good thing,
but what they are really saying
is something that you
didn’t want to happen
will happen…
soon we will just be a memory.
the truth is,
i’m heartbroken.
i feel as if a part of me
has died.
as if my mother
had died all over again…”

today we started hanging
the outdoor Christmas lights
and for a tiny moment
i was happy
smiling
singing
holiday carols…
but then darkness hit
and sadness
encompassed me again…
i know
this too
shall pass.
i know change
takes time.
every day i rise
i get to see
our grandson,
i get to play with my dogs,
i get to write and paint,
i get to
i get to
i get to…
simply, begin
again.

Read More another beginning at nautilus teachings

falling into fatigue at nautilus teachings

falling into fatigue at nautilus teachings

 

it was dark
very dark
at 6pm
the rain
intermittent
softly
gracing the green graces,
my fear
of flooding
had subsided,
the work
at the studio
and d’s office
was finally complete,
the dogs
snoozing at my feet
as i fell into
my fatigue…

for the first time
in so long,
i showered
at 5 and
let
exhaustion
come to me
without
resistance,
without
my brain
firing off a list
of what i still
needed to do
and for the first time
in so very long
without worry
or stress…

for a brief second
a dimly lit neon sign
flickered on
and proposed the question
‘are you missing anything, sheri?’
this made me
feel like melting
and becoming one
with my sofa…
my fingers
were tingling
my body
completely relaxed
pieces of me
aching,
yet for the most part
i was good
with becoming
melted butter
in the palm of
God’s hand…

i knew
the emptiness i felt
leaving my
scheduled paint nights
behind
would soon pass…
i
felt
complete,
nothing appeared to be lacking
so why
was
i feeling sad?
ready to burst
into tears
the next time
i saw a familiar
friend who painted with me
for so long?

nostalgia…
if there is one thing
this ole’ artsy fartsy
midwestern chick is,
is a keeper
a holder
of memories
scents
colors
and feelings
i hold close
no matter how long
it has been
since i have seen
hugged
smiled with
a person
who’s friendship
i cherish
who has graced my life
with their presence
and forever left
an imprint upon
my soul…

was painting
twice a month
such a big deal?
YES,
for me
it was.
the gathering of
amazing
intelligent
creative
beautiful
women
brushing paint
side by side
sharing wine
stories
glances
giggling
and encouragement…

‘wow, that looks terrific…’
‘i love what you’ve done
blending those colors,
and the dots…
well, they bring it all together…’
i loved seeing the smiles,
knowing you went home
relaxed
with a painting
you,
yourself
built memories around…

right now,
my knees
and hips ache…
i have been spending
too much time on the floor
with our grandson…
being down is easy,
it’s the getting up
that is difficult…
sometimes giving in
does not mean giving up
i was given the gift today
of finishing my day an hour early
and this is how i ended up
falling into my fatigue.
my phone dings with a text
then it bings with a message
and finally ,
yes,
it rings…
curiosity does not get
the better of me
i mute my phone
plug it in another room to charge
and make a choice
to just do
ME
right now…
darkness
encompasses
me
i sit
in the light of the tv
the voices of a show
i love
yet i cannot wake myself
enough to pay attention to
because life and
reality calls
i know God is pushing me
wayyyyyy out of my comfort zone
i know changes are occurring
i know i trust HIM
but there is still
this tiny girl
inside me
that just wants
to run back to my corner
and hide
with wise old mr hawksbill
fancy finns and all my fish friends…
when i became alice
in august
i kinda left them all behind
they were my security
my safety
my guides to my hidden
healing
colorful world…
fatigue hits me hard
emotions overwhelm me
i close my eyes
take a deep breath
and as the tears begin
to roll down my cheeks
i hear a tiny voice
speaking
every so softly
‘now, sher…
now is the time
to fly…’

 

Read More falling into fatigue at nautilus teachings

becoming a hoarder at nautilus teachings

 

you cannot do
a thirty minute workout
in 15 minutes
a chicken
needs to be baked
for a certain amount of time
driving any distance
is all measured by
traffic and speed
we age
one day,
one year
at
a
time…
yet
for the past
12 weeks
i have been
hyped up
on overdrive
never stopping
tripping over my own feet
sweating
from continual excursion
unti the magic
golden hour
each day
of 6pm…
sure i had a few days
i did not get
my
me
time
but
i made sure
every day
to carve out
slow down
take a shower
breathe
meditate
and pray
all by candlelight
knowing as soon as dinner
is over
i could give myself
permission
to rest
to close my heavy eyelids
slow my breath
crank down the ac
crawl under my covers
and just
dream…
d says
i sleep like the dead
that it’s impossible to wake me….
this is pretty much truth
from 10pm-3:30
i am in zombie sleep
and if my aging bladder
did not need to be emptied
i would probably
be in this wonderful
blacked out state
until first light…
have you ever
felt in such a rush
that your adrenaline
becomes your superpower ???
from 6-10am
i am barely awake
and i have the gift
of being able to
unfold slowly in
the morning…
but once my coffee kicks in
look out!


like most women
i am doing the laundry
prepping for dinner
writing my latest blog
painting a new canvas
planning a class
taking care of our grandson
playing ball with the boys
and somehow
fitting in my
60 minute workout
at least 3 days a week…
one of d’s friends
occasionally works out
when i do
and their comment to him is,
‘man, your wife goes non stop
when she’s on that machine…’
truth.
i am there to get the job done
and work my muscles…
just like when i am in a car,
i am there to drive
not text
or sight see…
so when the clock
ding, ding, dings
6pm
my butt runs to the shower
and i begin my 75 minutes
of me time
before d arrives home…
why is this important to me?
it clears my mind
i am able to organize
my list for the next day
smell the prepped meal
cooking in the oven
scratch the boys
and binge watch a show
on netflix…
some days
i run late
so my time
is a mere 20 minutes
and once in a while
i barely make it to
the soft leather sofa
before my love gets home…
after all
life is not perfect
nor am i,
which is really good
because ya gotta
keep your loved ones guessing!
life can be maddening
over scheduled
frustrating even,
at times
but for the most part
we get to enjoy life
learn something new
help someone
create
write
love
hold…


my advice to you is simple-
no matter how old you are
how many hours a day
you work
or your kids
husband
and pets
need you ,
i want you to become a
HOARDER
of me time…
i want you to schedule
YOU
into
your
life…
look into the mirror
and smile
rest your tired eyes
and ears
tune out the
‘mommy look at me,’
and all the noises
surrounding you,
while you smell the flowers…
let the kids go a day
without a bath
order take out once
in a while
let them wear
a shirt they wore
on sunday
that is still clean
to school on Monday…
your life
is about a lot of things
but the most important
thing in your life
is you…

YOU
BEAUTIFUL
HOARDER
OF
ME
TIME,
YOU!

for without these
precious 10-60minutes
each day
you become depleted
and flat…
tomorrow
rise up
with a grin
make your list
and in all caps
at your chosen time
write the words

I AM ENOUGH
I LOVE MYSELF
THIS IS FOR ME

and really tiny write
this,
‘almost everything
will work again if you
unplug it for a few minutes…
including YOU!’

Read More becoming a hoarder at nautilus teachings

unbecoming at nautilus teachings

unbecoming at nautilus teachings

 

you’ve been there
you’ve seen it
with your own two eyes
grandparents
moms
dads
siblings
all strangers to you
but yet so very familiar…
you see them at
the grocery
home depot
target
wally world
they
are
everywhere…
no matter who we are
we
want
happiness
smiles
giggles
and happy memories…
no one person
i know
hopes those they love
has sad
hurtful
damaging
lives…
we want
to watch their lips
curve upward
their eyes sparkle
and laugh along with them
as they throw their heads back
in complete joy…
this is why
at the youngest of ages
we are teaching kids
to high five
knuckles
the words love
please
thank you…
it’s why you see people
acting goofy
making weird noises
and silly faces
in public places
it’s why kids
take their favorite
blanket
doll
or even their thumb
wherever they go
to calm
give them peace
and teach them
life is safe
no matter where
they go…


we
do not get to pick
what memories
people hold sacred.
it’s not our job
or place
to tell them,
‘hold onto this
you will need this
in the future when you are sad’
or
‘you need to let that go
it will only harm you in years to come’
yet,
we
do…
we try to get them to plant
deep rooted seeds
that will nourish them
when they grow up
move away
get married
and start their own family…
but again,
we cannot force them
to hold some thing
some one
or some memory
worthy enough
to carry
throughout their life time…
we’ve all heard the saying
‘life is hard enough without adding _______’
to it…
what challenges?
choices?
beliefs?
our job
as parents
is to do the best we can
with what we have
to hope
our children
feel loved
accepted
forgiven
wanted…
but even if you are
the best of parent
our kids still are exposed
to other religions
other sexual orientations
drugs, alcohol
and a whole multitude
of choices…
when my son Nicholas
was small i refused to let
him watch ninja turtles
or any other show i
felt to mature…
i also never called him nick
and i made sure to tell everyone
‘his name is Nicholas,
not nick or nicky…’
in 1991 at the age of 5
he started kindergarten like
all the other little kids…
he was so excited
so adorable in his
white blonde curly hair
blue eyes
tiny body,
and like every other kid
he had his new backpack
stuffed full with everything on
the teachers list…
when he jumped off
the bus after school
he ran up to the farmhouse
smiling and so so so excited,
‘mom, mom, mom’
he yelled…
‘moooooooom’
i hugged him and waited
for him to catch his breath…
‘guess what mom?’
‘What?’
‘i had the best day. i made a best friend
who’s name is jeremy and
i decided my name is nick
and i LOVE ninja turtles…
jeremy says they come on tv at 4,
can i watch them?!!!’


then he unzipped his back pack
and pulled out leonardo
from his bag and proceeded
to fill me in on every turtles name
never stopping to take a breath…
this
was
his
‘mom, i am becoming my own guy,’
moment
and
my
‘come to jesus moment’
of acceptance
that
he
is
his
own little
keeper…
my job is just to love
and guide him
be his mom
and learn to grow myself…
now
some 26 years later
my handsome
grown up
married
daddy of his own son
still loves the turtles
batman, superman
cartoons in general
and is a strong
hardworking
extremely kind
and giving man…
no doubt
one of you will see me
with our grandson
out in public
making funny faces
high fiving
and giving knuckles,
because
after all
it’s
the simple things
that matter the most
not to mention
how good
a hug feels
from those tiny
sticky hands
around our aging necks…
embrace life
learn from it
don’t be afraid to grow
to change
for in all of this
unbecoming
we then are able
to live in the knowing
plain and simply
we are loved
no
matter
what…

 

Read More unbecoming at nautilus teachings

thanks for the wings at nautilus teachings

thanks for the wings at nautilus teachings

 

 

“closing the store
is the brave thing to do…
you are daring to imagine
that you could have
a different life…
oh, i know it doesn’t feel
that way right now,
you feel like a big fat failure…
but you’re not!
you are marching
into the unknown
armed
with…
NOTHING…”

10 years ago
bali studios
opened it’s doors
to this tiny beach town
and oh
what a journey
it has been…
for the longest time
i was given the honor
of hosting
birthday parties, GNO, fundraisers
and all kinds of gatherings…
i was the
FIRST
venue to host
BYOB paint nights
and my summer camps
have all been a blast…
my price of $30 has
never changed
and summer camps
are still $100…

over the past 2 years
i have struggled to even get
5 people to paint
twice a month
which means
God has been preparing me
for a change…
i have worked through
the anger, and sadness
of once more
at the age of 55
growing
a bit more…
honestly, peoples
lives are busy
paint nights are everywhere,
not to mention
painting furniture
designing wooden signs
tutorials on pinterest and Youtube
and who knows what else
i have not yet seen
as i flip through
my facebook feed
and see all the smiling,
lovely and beautiful faces
that used to grace my studio…

bali studios
will still be open
with her shiny new floors
my new paintings
and of course my new book…
you can schedule paint nights
any type of party or fundraiser
on any day/night you choose
like always
same rules apply
minimum 5 paid painters
$30 a piece
and you tell me what you would like to paint
and
NO
i
will not
EVER
copy any persons painting
so please do not ask me to…
if you want to paint
a butterfly
then send me a photograph
of the one you love-
that’s how i roll,
always keeping
ORIGINALITY
as the center…
i just will not be
posting any new
classes,
except my final
holiday/paint night
on
DECEMBER 12
which is a Tuesday
and a month away
so check your calendars
mark it down
and come say goodbye to me
or wish me luck
or share a hug
a smile
shed a tear even…

what will sheri do?
-i will open my studio up to be rented as a venue
-i will pray for private parties to be booked
-i will still host all kids events and summer camps
-i will be open to new learning/teaching ideas
-i will continue to paint and write
-i will have a show once a year
i will believe
i will trust
i will have faith
because that is what has
gotten me through my life thus far
and it’s always worked out…

thank you all for being
so kind and gracious
for 10 years…
keep signing your kids
up for summer camps
and kids christmas
and mom and me nights
plan those baby showers
girls nights out
bridal showers
birthday parties
and call me
to reserve your night…
or
don’t…
whatever you decide
wherever you go
whatever you do
i wish every one of you
love
peace
happiness
joy
health
and God’s blessing upon
your life…

we are all connected
in some way
and you are all connected
to me forever…
am
i
sad?
sure
can you help?
book a party
recommend my
gorgeous space as a venue
but mostly
just be my friend.
don’t forget
this ole
midwestern
artsy fartsy
crazy chick
who feels
writes
and paints
her way through life…

i was gifted
you
all
and the opportunity
to get your creative juices flowing…
some of you found out
you could paint
and never needed me again
some of you just came
to laugh and ‘try to paint’
but most of you
wowed me with
your creativity and talent…

the painted floor is now gone
the table tops that hold
the last of the paint night memories
will soon be replaced
and
bali studios
will
never be the same,
yet
i
will…

“I am daring to imagine
that i could have
a different life…
oh, i know it doesn’t feel
that way right now,
i feel like a big fat failure…”

i am not a failure at all,
in fact you all have helped me
unfurl my wings…
i have
a wonderful life

“dear george-
remember NO man is a failure
who has FRIENDS.
thanks for the wings!
love,
clarence”

 

Read More thanks for the wings at nautilus teachings

changes at nautilus teachings

changes at nautilus teachings

 

sometimes
you need
to close your eyes
to get rid
of the day…

the shower
does not wash it off,
working out
increases your stress
the cocktail you pour
glides easily down
your throat
but has no effect…
darkness
candles
prayer
silence
still
no
peace…
so,
you take a deep breath in
close your eyes
and wait.
you want that
blank canvas
to appear…
sounds
infiltrate
every pour,
words
and images
repeat themselves
like a scratched record…

life can be
repeatedly
abusive
we work hard
we are honest
kind
and basically
good humans…
but
IRMA,
FUCKING
IRMA
will not go away…
it’s been 11 weeks
of preparing
praying
believing
worrying
cleaning
repairing
purchasing
supervising
ordering
moving
cleaning
and still
IRMA
KEEPS BANGING YOU
FROM THE BACKSIDE…

what is life
trying to teach you?
is this a test from God?
are you in over your head?
are you supposed to give up?
lock up?
stop?
sell?
find a new path?

you close your eyes
once more
and tilt your head
up towards the heavens
every nerve in your body
is firing,
your heart rate
keeps pulsing up
and down
with no rhythm,
sleep keeps escaping you
baths
warm tea
meditation
is not helping…

what do you do?

you begin again.
you gut pieces of your world
and start
from the ground up
hiring people
to
rebuild,
you spend hours
dreaming
hoping
praying
this
is
the
fix…
your world will
now be upright
shiny and new
and
every one
will say,
‘WOW’…

our process
of the clean up,
after
the
B
IRMA
has not been easy
and i had no idea why
until
reality set in
our building is
OLD…

tomorrow i get to rise up
smile
greet
my day
say my prayers
drink my yummy coffee
and meet
with the
fire marshall
and
the building inspector-
because
in the fixing of
our spaces
weaknesses
were revealed
in the entire structure…
there are so many of them
and this makes me sad…

the cape royal
has been
standing
facing
mother ocean
since 1964…
it used to house
‘the top of the cape’
a restaurant/bar
where all the astronauts
gathered
people dreamed
laughed
and
shit
went
down!!!
i actually know a couple
who were both married
when they met there,
fell in ‘secret’ love,
divorced their spouses
married one another
and lived
the happily ever after
fairy tale life
for over 4 decades…
she has passed away
but the memory
of her
lives within me…

closing our eyes
is supposed
to be our own
personal
‘time out’…
we learn it young
practice it frequently
learn to love it …
when we have small children
and rely upon it
our entire life
to focus us
calm
cheer
and revive us
in those times
of stress
heartache
and challenges…

can one wake up
every day
and think
today is going to suck
but
i’ve got this?
is it possible to believe
we’ve
got
this,
regardless?????
or,
are we just
born
with the ability
to be
resilient?

i have no
answer for you.
what i can tell you
is that
we
possess
this incredible
‘bounce-able”
silly putty
stretchable elasticity
healing power
that gifts us
the ability
to rise up each day
place our feet upon
the ground
and face
everything
life
is throwing at us
regardless
of drama
or cost…

so tonight
as i close my eyes
i will pray for
turquoise
water
to encompass me,
wise old mr hawksbills
tethered movement
to cradle me
calm to encompass me
all the while knowing
God
will never give me more
than i can handle…
enter
blank canvas
peace
and rest
knowing
tomorrow
i can rise up
rooted in the
knowledge

Ecclesiastes, chapter 3, verses 1-8:

“For everything there is a season, and 
a time for every matter under heaven:
     a time to be born, and a time to die;
     a time to plant, and a time to pluck up
  what is planted;
     a time to kill, and a time to heal;
     a time to break down, and a time to
  build up;
     a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
     a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
     a time to throw away stones, and a
 time to gather stones together;
     a time to embrace, and a time to
  refrain from embracing;
     a time to seek, and a time to lose;
     a time to keep, and a time to
 throw away;
     a time to tear, and a time to sew;
     a time to keep silence, and a time to
  speak;
     a time to love, and a time to hate;
     a time for war, and a time for peace.”

 

 

 

 

Read More changes at nautilus teachings

unexpected at nautilus teachings

unexpected at nautilus teachings

 

 

i am waiting patiently
to unfold
from
the beautiful
exhausting
chaos of a
weekend spent
side by side
with the man i love
completely
updating
and rehabbing
the office he has called home
for over 20 years…
for over two decades
it has remained the same
barn red, spinach green
dirty brown colors…
one by one
photos were added
some replaced
some overtaking older ones
books piling up
every corner
and every piece of wall crammed
with memories
until
IRMA…

i have a long time
beautiful friend
who’s been married
for over 3 decades
raising kids
hosting family functions
working hard
building a lovely home
always strong in her faith…
each time i see her
she has a smile
and a welcoming hug
until a short while ago
on one sunny
florida day
she tells me,
‘i’m leaving him.
i just cannot take it anymore.
i stayed for the kids…’
and like that
she
was
gone.
she took her things
rented a place
got a different job
and while her other half
was at work
she moved out
and
just
broke
her life
into pieces…
i
was
shocked.

just a week ago
i found out
another of my dear friends
daughter,
who is married
with two small kids
is fighting 4th stage
breast cancer…
the prognosis is
very good for her survival
but right now
and for a few years to come
without insurance
they are struggling
yet feel very blessed
to have a huge family
sustaining them,
along with their church family.
life
is
short…

 

we can never go back
to those lazy days of youth,
we remember
hiding in the bathroom
for 5 minutes of peace
when our kids were small
or arriving 15 minutes early
anywhere
just to get some
me time
as we happily sat alone
in our cars,
favorite music on
resting our eyes…

we build
layer upon layer
of memories
and one of the gifts
aging brings us
is the time
to unfurl them
one at a time
through photographs
old cards
and letters
or just
click click clicking
our reeled nostalgia
of the good old days…

this is why
some squalls
in our life are good…
they wake us up
and ask us
what would you save
if you only had one car
to pack your life into?
what is most important?

when i redid my studio
after Irma
i threw away 10 bags of stuff
i was just holding onto
‘just in case…’
it felt so good to free myself
of all the junk
that now,
when i walk in
i smile even bigger
as how simply beautiful
less really is…

the end result is different
for every person.
some people
cannot
and will not
let go
of
anything,
which is fine,
as long it’s not
weighing them down
stopping their growth
keeping them anchored
to hurt, anger and sadness…
we, as loved ones
do not get to pick
what they hold sacred…
it’s not our job
or place to tell
any person
that their memory
of someone
is not worthy
to be saved…
even if it’s a bubble gum wrapper
filled with old gum
from their child’s first
bubble they ever blew…
i still keep my sons
first tiny drawing
he made of me at a restaurant
on the corner of a napkin
in my ‘mom box…’

so today,
as i rose up
and uncurled my aching body
from my soft sheets
took in the scent of my
morning coffee
fed the boys
lit my candle
and began
my prayer
i gazed around
our tiny love shack
felt the warmth of
the morning sun
and very quietly
and graciously
bowed my head
as a tear
lazily strolled down my cheek
dripping onto my lap
as the door creaked
and d,
all sleepy, smiled at me,
as a new day began,
and i knew
in the back of my head
i would not get
everything accomplished today…
i smiled
looked up
at my love
and said,
‘morning…
looks like God
is giving us another day…’
then i rose up
hugged him close
and as he strolled
back to get ready
for his long day ahead,
i looked up to God
and whispered,
‘thank you…’

 

Read More unexpected at nautilus teachings

faith- NOT religion at nautilus teachings

 

every day
HE comes to me
every day
i talk to
HIM
in the smallest
of ways
in the tiniest of decisions
there
HE is.
not
religion
but
faith…
yes,
to some
God = religion
to me
God = faith
the big question is
can they be separate?
my answer
is
YES.
Religion is about beliefs –
how you pray
what you can
and cannot do
rituals
repeated mantras
supposedly bringing
you closer to God
to forgiveness
to healing
to grace…
but
faith
is not that.
sure
faith
is full of
unconditional love
healing
forgiveness
trust
and the knowing
someone-
God-
is always by your side
holding you
guiding you
leading you …
yet when you look
at the many different
denominations of religion
there are many differences
in exactly how
one should worship
be forgiven
and practice
their chosen ‘labeled’ denomination…
no matter if you
sit in silence for hours
praying to be filled
with the holy word,
find yourself on bended knee
week after week
repeating old mantras
or walk every day
knowing
no matter what
God is your friend
we
are
all
the
same…
but
are
we?


i am buoyant
because of my faith,
not my religion…
i was raised
in the United Church of Christ
went to Methodist churches
and Lutheran Schools…
did they differ?
was i lost?
NO
i attended free churches
non-denominational sanctuaries
i danced in the pews
listened to rock bands
was baptized as a baby in church
as a youth in a lake
an adult in the ocean
and still
my foundation
never changed…
i knew
100%
God
had my back…
so when any one person
begins with,
‘I am (lutheran, methodist, catholic, buddhist …)’
i
think to myself,
‘ok…
you have labeled yourself,
but tell me,
how
deep is your faith?’
do you talk to God?
read the Bible?
can you walk into a room of
‘christians’
and feel you are home?
or do you feel,
like me,
LOST, knowing you don’t ‘speak’ religion …
you speak faith.
i have known since i took my first breath
with God,
I
am
home…
i never questioned it
never doubted it,
i just knew
i was safe
in His presence…
my parents never
had a name for it
we never felt
different
or odd
we just knew
faith
sustained us…
but today
faith seems
to be-
almost
unmentionable.
5 years ago
in my tiny studio
as i was teaching a class
a few women and i
began a quiet conversation
about faith…
as i rounded a table
a person spoke up to me,
‘i did not come here to hear religion…’
i was stunned
mad
and thought
wtf?
this person,
never
came back…
a few years later
i began teaching
a bi-monthly faith night.
i had a small group
and it was wonderful
but,
it was short lived
and
once more
i began to believe
faith
was
taboo….


but alas,
it was not faith
they were afraid of
it was
religion
being preached to,
having to sit in a box
once a week
and be told
we are all going to hell
if we don’t repent
for all our sins,
sitting through
bible study classes,
putting on nice clothes
and wasting part of their
precious sunday
in rituals they just don’t believe in…
for me
going to church
is a gift
that i choose to be a part of
some times.
i don’t punish myself if
i miss a week or two,
in fact i took
almost 10 years off
of being a part of
any church family
in order to delve
deeper into
the spiritual side of my faith…
i learned how to meditate
to pray
to forgive
to find joy
and happiness…
i needed a break to
learn what i already knew
no matter where i was
so
was
my
faith
and for me
as you know
faith = God…
i don’t need boxed religion
to reinforce the fact
that God loves me.
i go because of
the fellowship
the hugs
smiles
and acceptance,
i go because
i love the preachers message
and the fact that he sings
and it makes me giggle
i go because a few of my dear friends
also go and some weeks
it is our ‘chick time’…
wherever you are
today
tomorrow
next week
just any day
try having a little faith
in life
in the people
you love
in yourself…
faith does not have to equal God for you
you can have faith in the sun, moon, stars, ocean…
the most important thing
is finding
what sustains you
what gives you
the calm hug
i feel
when i sit
with God
knowing
now and forever,
“it
is
well
with
my
soul…”

 

Read More faith- NOT religion at nautilus teachings

divorce at nautilus teachings

divorce at nautilus teachings

 

41 percent of first marriages end in divorce.
60 percent of second marriages end in divorce.
73 percent of third marriages end in divorce.

DIVORCE

approximately 50% of all children
will live through this…

we go to the beautiful
taking of the vows
we are witness to young love
we have hopes
this
one
will
last…

statistics
and research
clearly prove
that waiting until you
are in your 30’s to marry
for the first time
decrease dramatically
that you will divorce…

i myself
have been married
three times.

they say over 70%
of third marriages
end in failure…
hmmmmm.

my husband and i talk
ALOT
we both
believe in
selective hearing
in continual growth
and change in each other
we embrace
wrinkles
sagging
aging,
and know
with communication
understanding
forgiveness
and unconditional love
we
are
forever…

our children
have been
through it all with us
and that is
what this is really about

children of
DIVORCE

when we separate
THE
most
IMPORTANT
thing
is to not punish
our exe’s in front
of them
but to
turn
the other cheek
to be blind
to their infuriating problems
to be deaf
to the ugly words shed
between us
in fact,
our job
is
to
basically
PRETEND WE NEVER LOVED THAT PERSON
out of
RESPECT
and
LOVE
for our kids…

don’t play the games
don’t take the bait
don’t open yourself up
to more hurt.
when i divorced my
first husband
my adorable
blonde curly headed son
would come home
every other weekend
with a
BUNCH
of new stuff and say,
“look at what daddy bought me
because he missed me so much…
did you miss me, mommy?
what did you buy me?”
i would look into his
baby blues
and grab him in a hug
and say,
“i missed you so much
my arms hurt…
i had no one to hug!”
his tiny sweetness
which grew
and grew and grew
always understood
love
could
not
be
bought…
the second time around
i had my ex served
with papers
while the kids
and i drove
home to the OBX
for thanksgiving…
on the way
i told them,
and what was there response?
“it’s about time.
what took you so long?
mom, why did you stay?”
they then had the next
10 hours to ask me
anything they wished
but ya know what?
they were all happy about it
so we listened to a book
on tape
and enjoyed just being together…

no matter what my exes problems were,
or what happened in our marriage
they only thing i ever cared about was
‘what did the kids witness or learn
about what love is NOT…’
yes,
i should have left earlier
yes,
i stayed for the kids
and both of those
are super dumb reasons to stay…
luckily
12 years later
i am blessed to have
close relationships
with all three of my kids…
they know my story
they know my truths
they can call me out
on anything if needed and
nothing
is ever
out of bounds
all questions
have always
been answered honestly
and i
NEVER
EVER
put down their
fathers…
it’s not my job to do that
my part is to love
unconditionally my children
and allow the unfolding
of all their dads good/bad behavior
to take place over and over…
as they grew up
and began to mature
they understood
and formed their own opinions…
we are the
memory keepers
of our kids
we are imperfect
EVERY
ONE
OF
US…
even those of you
who deny having any faults
or swear their lives were perfect
as kids and continue to be
i
call
BULLSHIT
what you have learned
from excellent parents
is how to be yourself
believe in yourself
solve problems
grow up
be accountable
and in all of this
goodness
you still made mistakes
you still hurt peoples feeling
you may have been bullied
or not made the team you dreamed of
but trust me
imperfect, you are…
the point is
simply this
and i say it over and over
DIVORCE
is a part of life
and there are always
two sides to every
one of them…
if this is you
hug your kids close
don’t talk bad about
their dad/mom
stand up tall
have strength
and be there
super hero
the one who listens
hugs
drives them
everywhere
supports them
and teaches them
how to be
a good human…
karma will finish the rest!

Read More divorce at nautilus teachings