eat your dinner at nautilus teachings

 

 

 

“Eat your dinner or no dessert”

how many of you
grew up hearing this?
i remember having to sit
at the table into the dark
because i did not want to
eat the food on my plate..
I wanted
Dessert
Because my mom
Was the best baker in town…
cakes, cookies, breads, muffins, pies-
you name it
and it was fresh
daily in our tiny house
on linden ave…
dinner however was
another story-
From liver and onions
To gross green beans
It went in my mouth
i would fake chewing it
and try not to gag
or barf…
Then i would spit it
into my hand
place it under the table
To feed the dog
and look around
to see if my brothers noticed…
no one tattled about this
maneuver
so i am pretty sure
our dog was eating
like a king from all three of us!
sometimes
it went in my mouth
then i would run to the bathroom
spit it into the toilet
and flush it down the drain
but you could only pull this stunt
in an absolute emergency
because we were all expected
to use the bathroom and
wash our hands right before dinner
and mom always supervised this!
Once
I tried hiding it in my napkin
but when i got up to clear my plate
and drop the napkin in the garbage
my food tumbled out,
mom saw this
and i was sent directly to bed
with no dessert that day…
i remember begging my aunt
for a frosting flower
from a celebration cake
it looked so pretty
and all i could think of was
that must be the best part!
when she finally gave in,
i ate the cake quickly
saving this delicate yummy for last
only to pop it in my mouth
almost puking from the disgusting flavor…
i quickly put it in my napkin
went to the bathroom

for some crazy reason
i guess i had mom brain at the time,
I tried this with my kids.
it did not work at all
They ended up
Vomiting on the table
Crying
Falling asleep
And
Above all
Making me feel like the bully I was being
Who did I think I was
Julia Child?
My cooking was good
But not for the palette of a kid
They wanted
Pizza, mac n cheese, hotdogs…
So that’s what they got
And I got
Hugs
Giggles
Smiles
Love
And time around the table with my children…
“Eat your dinner or no dessert”
Was a dumb rule
One I broke as often as I could
Thanks to the dog
And as I watch my grown children
Now in their 20’s and  30’s munch on
Pizza, mac n cheese, hotdogs, bagels, doughnuts
To name a few
I smile
Giggle
Hug them
And
Whisper in
Their ear
“better eat it now while you can
Because in a few years
It will all go to your hips!”
They
Smile
Giggle
And whisper
(with their mouths full)
“I know that mom,
But it
TASTES SO GOOD!”

Read More eat your dinner at nautilus teachings

Envy at nautilus teachings

 

 

 

Envy

desire to have a quality, possession,
or other desirable attribute belonging to (someone else):

Envy

a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck:

it is a sin.

I would dream of being prettier
Smarter, more talented…
I had dreams over and over
Where I did not stutter
And they were lovely…
Dreams of brothers who wanted to be with me
Of a father who would lead us in campfire songs
And a mother who could save the whole world from hunger!

Envy

When you wish you had someones looks, talent, nice car and personality but you don’t so you badmouth them to make yourself look better or them look worse. It’s called leveling and practiced by those with low self esteem/insecurity.

I learned to accept my limitations
My punishments
My truths
And the bandage around my lips
Grew weeds
Not having a voice in the world
kept me silent and
Led me to coloring my way out

Envy

Envy comes from the Latin word invidere, which literally means “look upon.” You know when you say something funny or smart and someone gives you the evil eye? Envy all the way. Envy can be used as a noun or as a verb: Envy (noun) is the feeling you have when you envy (verb) what someone else has.

The brilliant hues reflected my feelings
And black lines around each shape-their own bondage from escape
I held tight to the one “talent” I had-creating beauty on paper
Soon that faded
And I was lost in trying to keep up with everyone

Envy

It’s no fun to feel envy or jealousy because both make you feel inadequate. Envy is when you want what someone else has, but jealousy is when you’re worried someone’s trying to take what you have. If you want your neighbor’s new convertible, you feel envy. If she takes your husband for a ride, you feel jealousy.

Why couldn’t I stay focused like my friends
Where was my passion
I sat in corners cradling my baby dolls ‘til I was 14
From their I found my way to the kitchen
Began baking and watching the world just fly by outside
always retreating to some ‘closet’
to release my dreams of
whimsical color…

Envy

1. a feeling of grudging or somewhat admiring discontent aroused by the possessions, achievements, or qualities of another
2. the desire to have for oneself something possessed by another; covetousness
3. an object of envy

I saw girls who could speak, teach, twirl…
I did all that too-only it was inside my head
I wanted to try out for cheerleading
I wanted to compete in art shows
I wanted to submit my writings for publications
But I believed I
“just did not have that competitive gene”
No drive or ambition to conquer
Or set out on my own
But inside I was bursting to runaway

Envy

the feeling that you wish you had something that someone else has

I would stare at women with boobs
Wishing I had them
I denied to my husband that I wanted them
And then one day I spoke
“ya know, I really want boobs to match my thighs…”
he giggled at me
And said
“ok, let’s do it”
“Wait”, I thought, “you can get things by speaking?
So all those dreams still may come true?”

Envy

Envy is pain at the good fortune of others

I had them now
My DD’s on this 5’10” body
And I balanced on the outside
Now I needed
The
Antithesis
On
The
Inside

Envy

Synonyms
covetousness, enviousness, green-eyed monster,
invidiousness, jealousy, resentment

She waltzed into my studio,
Camera in hand
Short hair
Free spirit
And I
Fell into wishing
I wanted to be her
She spoke honestly
She dressed casually
Tiny in stature
Tall in confidence
And bursting
With flavor
And color

Envy

Both the Psalms and Proverbs warn against the temptation of becoming envious of evil men when they seem to prosper in spite of their wrongdoing (Pss 37:1; 73:2, 3; Prov 3:31; 23:17; 24:1, 19).

We began spending time together
This free spirit and I
My husband was hopeful
I had finally found a friend
And “partner in crime”
Both artists
Of different mediums
She tore off the bandages of my soul
Led me to online photography classes with
Vivienne McMaster
I began unfurling
Amanda Page
Was introduced to me
My words took flight
My story unfolded
Leading me to
Jen Lee and Phyllis Mathis
I grew
My sails were full
And I blushed
All these
Strong women
So bold
secure
Grounded…
Women
I want to be with
Hang with
Learn from

Envy

Envy is the art of counting
another’s blessings
instead of your own.
-Harold Coffin

but i was fearful
to let any one inside
my head,
soul
and heart…

I denied it
every chance I got
i liked hiding
running
being silent…
Until
all these amazing women
were placed in my life
and helped
me to grow…
because of HER
Free spirit
Life giver
Artistic soul friend…
To all of HER shinning spirits
Thank you…
you truly helped
me begin leaving
my barnacled shell
and swim
freely…

 

Read More Envy at nautilus teachings

define, YOU at nautilus teachings

 

 

 

Define:

To state or set forth the meaning of-

The meaning of me?
To my mother I was the stars
To my father
His only daughter
To my two brothers
A mistake
A target
A daily place to release their anger

To explain or identify the nature or essential qualities of-

I was made from love
I was given love, faith, fear
I grew in love, faith, fear, silence
Identity?
I was the 4th child
Her heart
His
what do i do
with a little girl?
Their
We wanted a baby brother
child

To fix or lay down definitely: to define ones responsibility-

The law was laid down
My mother would get no voice
My brothers would rule
I would hide under the steps
And be taught cornered silence
I was definitely afraid, scared, silent…
The law was laid down by the two toe headed terrors
My father was steel silence
My mother
Cried, prayed, obeyed
I turned inward
Towards the creation of my own world

To determine or fix the boundaries or extent of-

I was my brothers property
They called me what they wanted
Did what they pleased
And laughed when punished
I
Am
Not
Anybodies
Property
I do not claim
Any resemblance to any person
except my mother

To make clear the outline or form of-

I was defined by the scars they left
By the black lines I drew around my colors
To protect them
I felt defined by his lack of strength
spanking nightly my brothers did not work
And in turn was too weak
I was defined by watching my mother hover over my father
Out of obedience
or love?
I was defined by her hands which protected me
By her loved which encompassed me
And by her smile which warmed me
I was defined by my faith
I was defined by my drawings
And now am defined by
My words too

To set forth the meaning of a word, phrase-construct a definition-

The definition of me
Is only found
In one place
Within
I will not allow
Any person
To dictate
My memory
My feelings
My ambitions
My life
I
Define who I am
I live true
And
The
People
Who
Should
Have
Defined
Me
And
Did
Not
Do
So
Nor
Have
Tried
Too,
Can
Go
fuck
Themselves

Read More define, YOU at nautilus teachings

daisy me at nautilus teachings

daisy me at nautilus teachings


 

Daisy me
Daisy me
Maybe even crazy me
Since I was tiny
I was a flower
that grew
through
the cracks
in the sidewalk
always stretching up
reaching
for the healing light
of my faith…
Barefoot
Suntanned
I was the fragrant lavender lilac bush
Waving to the world
Saying, “I am here, look at me…”
as i would twirl
my arms stretched out
eyes closed
as i took in the sweet smell
of summer…
I would stand tall and fling my hair around
Til I was dizzy
Giggle loudly then fall on the grass
And watch the world spin…
it was great to be a kid!
Ding a ling a ling ding ding
Say the lily of the valley to my tiny ears
Listening to the bells
I lay upon the soft kelly green grass
And feel them calling me to silence
inviting me to stillness,
To peace and grace.
I would stand tall
Grasping just a few flowers
And know I would one day
Be a princess
Head held high I strolled the black asphalt
Of my youth
Thinking how glorious the world was…


Dandelion to wishing flower
How you held so much power
I do not know
Standing bent all yellow and yummy
I pick you
Stick you under my chin for color
then
Pop off your head
As you fall to the ground
I stand tall
Knowing
I have just beheaded the demons
Wishing flower from dandelion
I hold you close to my heart
I shut my eyes make a wish
Hold my head high
And float
Like you
Forever
Free
I was always a flower
Reaching up towards the sun
Stretching my arms out and up
I was fed by the warmth
It made me stand taller
Beckoned me to fly…
Now
I am a daisy
Daisy so crazy
Only I float free
With the “wishing wings”
Without a stem
My petals ruffle
And sing
I fly with reckless abandon
To coves, islands, and dream worlds
Where no corners exist
No strings to tie me down
I am free-
Petals
Calm
Listening
Trusting the release of each life giving “wing”
As they twirl towards the center
Of their path chosen
Daisy daisy
Daisy mine
I stand tall
Like
You
Showing the world
I am full of colors
Not just
One
Cluster
Of
Nothingness
Heaped in corner
Sure
I may bend at times to rest
Refresh
Rejuvenate
My spirit
But I am a daisy
I love me
I love me
I do…

 

Read More daisy me at nautilus teachings

owning your life at nautilus teachings

owning your life at nautilus teachings

 

 

“own it, heal it, change it”- wow love this
-“stay a learner”-yes always

motivation is around
every corner
you just have
to be open to it,
commit to bettering
you!
you can believe
every diet plan
power bar
trainer
the latest quote
or viral meme
just look at fb
people are
always trying to get
you to try their product
find your inner peace
or try their exercise routine
they all believe
their
way
is
the
only
way…
what happens
when you bite?
take the bait
and
you
fail?

do you own that?
blame them?
yourself?
think,
i just can’t do this
i am no good
and beat yourself up
then sit eating
ice-cream and chips
on the sofa alone?

what happens
when
we
fail?
when we let it all go
give up
give in
and lose
any and all self confidence?

if i were to unravel
 and let the shadows
come out 
i would risk 
loosing control of me
 and maybe my
 patterned life-
i love routine
i am not a
fly by the seat of her pants
kind of girl,
i don’t do impromptu well…
i love knowing
every day
at a certain time
i wake
eat
sleep
exercise
meditate
teach
learn
paint
write
pray…

is this bad? 
and what happens 
if i like the
 shadowed part
 of me
mory more than the 
“seen me?”

hyper-vigilance
should be my middle name
i am über sensitive
to everything
from sights, to sounds
to smells…
to much of one thing
or the wrong mixture of another
heck, even food,
my body
automatically rejects
reacts
and screams
‘i thought you knew not to….’

my definition for my rest is-
”peaceful, vigilant sleep”
 knowing i am most vulnerable when i sleep 
and mostly attacked
 during sleep
 or in darkness
i may appear to be
in deep sleeps
but i am also aware
of everything going on around me…
i can dream
and listen to life at the same time
which is probably why
i always wake up
exhausted…
sure,
i can turn my thoughts off.
i do have very vivid dreams
every night
and i stay in darkness 8-10 hours…
it’s like i am made up of layers
and the very top
is a surface current
where my senses
are always circulating
knowing what is going on
from the dog licking his foot
to the wind blowing
to the outside ac kicking on
no matter what sound
big or small,
i know…
i just know…


inside me i feel weighted
to the bed
like a deep water current
slowly moving
never shaking
just a healing balm
of rest…
possessing all of me at the same time.
keeping the two separate
during wake
and sleep patters
causes horrible anxiety
yet somehow
i make it all work
because if i allowed
the crazy thoughts
to interfere with
my sleep
i may risk loosing my sanity.
i have boxed up, locked away ,
packaged and categorized my life
 so i can fully manage 
“me.”
i accept each piece 
for what it is-
mismatched
 and i like 
being a 
patchwork 
because 
it
 gives me 
different
 colored
t hreads 
to 
pull 
from…
but 
honestly 
i seek 
freedom 
from control
 and wish 
merging
 of
 all of me 
so i can 
truly
 sail
 free…
i am this puzzle
a work in progress
only on rare occasions
can i let myself go-
i fear letting my guard down
will open me up
to assault,
be it verbal
or physical
i just cannot
ever
live
that
life
again…
i know
i am safe,
loved
protected…
i know it’s
ok
to
be
me
but
i cannot rewrite my history
i cannot erase
my reeled
memory of pain
so i box it up tight
allowing only
snippets
of it to
unfurl
in moments
when i am
completely alone
and i know it’s safe…
there it is-
i
never
feel
safe.
WOW

Read More owning your life at nautilus teachings

living the dream at nautilus teachings

living the dream at nautilus teachings

 

 

 

I want to be
Fully broken
I have been
Mending
Pieces of my soul
All my life
Never allowing
Hurt
Sadness
Disappointment
To take over
Some say
This is good
I am strong
But the “fillings”
The “patches”
Are cracking
And wearing thin
I need to
Be broken
So I
Can heal
So I can sit
Beside the
Worn out core
Of me
Pull the reflective images
From my
Liquid eyes
Place them
In their raw
Polaroid faded
State
Upon the
Cobalt healing waters
Of my soul
And
Watch them
One by one
Loose
Their form
Their color
Their suffocating hold
Upon my
Every breath
I need to
Be broken
I need to
Withdraw
Words
Faces
Hands
All the pieces
Which line
My foundation
And lie fractured
Barnacled
While the
Warm
Cerulean waters
Cleanse me
Slowly
With
Melodic
Tethering
Movements
While my
Essence
Billows
Sweetly
Open
And
Unfurls
Like a sail
Kissing the wind
Once unfolded
I lie
Choice-less
As the
Whispered
Pieces
Of my
Imprisonment
Of pain
Sweetly lift
Off of me
Like
Creamy, soft sand
Being brushed
Gently
From my
Bare foot trodden paths
I want to be
Fully broken
In this
Exposed
Form
My
Being
Will then be
Navigable
Towards
The
Luminous
Mosaic
Quest
I
Journey
So effervescently
Upon In dreams
To be
Fully
Broken
Undressed
Defenseless
Untormented
Means
All my
“fillings”
My “patches”
Have been
Absolved
My
Palette
Is cleansed
And
I can now
Begin
The
Conscious
Voyage
Onto the
Calm
Azure
Ebb and flow
Of
My
Melodious
Expedition
Of
Unguarded
surrender…
i set out
upon this quest
years ago
little by little
releasing
has healed me
learning
about forgiveness
and joy
has healed me
yet still
when i sit still
and look
inside
i know
i am still broken…

i stopped
believing in
dreams and fairy tales
when i was just
a small child
because of this,
of my
needing to not
even imagine
i had the right
to speak
to grow
to learn
to leave
i became
one with an inner world
of color
silence
shame
having no direction
whatsoever
taking chances
on people
who challenged
me to step
outside
only to be let down
by that very
person
who’s hand
and words
i let guide me
out
of
my
shell…
i kept
doing this
echoing
each time
the truth
dreams are lies
we tell ourselves
to save us
from reality…
i am still
suffocating
still holding on
still living in fear
still unbelieving
in complete
happiness….
which is why
now
at the age of 55
i am traveling home
to say goodbye
to touch the house
that built me
to walk the park
i hid in
to once more
take photographic memories
of what was.
i am going to
“suck it up”
because
“it wasn’t so bad…”
i will stop being
“a big baby”
“grow up”
everything
everyone
tells me to do
as they laugh
walk away
tune me out
ignore me
believe
i do
not
exist…
in some ways
the emotional
and physical
trauma
of my life
formed me
and this old mold
of a shell
cannot take on
a new form…
what
do
i
do?

give it all to God…

when i
walk those shaded lanes
gaze upon
the old structure
remember
the sights, sounds
and smells
when i see
how nothing is
really just the same
only kinda
like it was
only then
can i disconnect
unplug
stop the
constant buzz
of
“you are ugly,
fat
stupid
unwanted…”
unfeel
the twisting pain
of my wrist
the pinches on my thigh
or the wetness
of my bladder
letting go into
my ruffled panties…
i want this shit
to go away
but it won’t
because
it is imbedded
upon
the inner
pieces of me
which are all connected
to the one
thing i want the most-

my mom…

knowing i can never
hear her voice
see her smile
or look into
her huge brown eyes
is something i’ve
accepted
but i will never
cease
wanting
to
know
the
truths…
and this
my friend
is what
i can never have
because
the people
who are still breathing
who know the truth
play dumb
say they cannot remember
ask me,
‘why would you need to know that?
dory has been dead for 30 years…’
really?
i wonder how their adult child
would feel
if it was asking
someone else
about them
after they died…
oh to be so perfect
to be judgmental
and be able to
turn your back
on someone who
loves you
because
you think
they should
let
it
go…
fuck you.
i’m holding on…

let the healing begin?

never…

if i was not
so broken
then how
would all
the light get in?
God holds me
faith cradles me
one day
i will see my mom
until then
i’m living the dream…

 

Read More living the dream at nautilus teachings

bad girl? at nautilus teachings

bad girl? at nautilus teachings

 

She wanted it
This she knew
From the core of her being
The word
Yes, yes, yes
Echoed
Do it
Take it
Be it…

“but what if you fall
What if you hate it
What if it scares you
What if the rope snaps
Or you break your back
What if you DIE?…”

“lol,
Really
You are such a baby
I’ll do it
I’m not afraid
Looks like fun
What’s the worst that could happen
Plus, he’s so cute, ask him
I tried it, it was easy…”
“I’m glad I’m not a girl
What a pain in the ass
All this thinking
Who has to think
It looks awesome
What an adventure
Shit
You only live once
Who cares if I die
At least I died trying
Give me beer
(he slugs it down
And JUMPS)

“what the fuck do I care,
Nobody would miss me
I live life on the edge
I do what I want
When I want
Fuck you all
I’m doin’ it
‘Cause I can…”

“Good Lord
Sweet Jesus
She’s gonna do it
I caint believe it
Can you
Wooohooohooohooo
That girl
Just gone
And done it
I declare
She is one tough hussy…”

“well,
Back in my day
Girls did not behave in that manner
We took orders
We followed directions
We stayed at home
Had the babies
And took care of our man…”

“mom,
What is the big deal
Just say it
What are you afraid of
Leave
Just do it
Tell him to fuck off
I hate him
I
Will tell him
Mom
Really
You are being a baby…”
“Sher,
There is nothing about this
In the Bible
You must do what your heart
Tells you to do
You must follow your feelings
God will guide you
When your time is up, it’s up
Live your life
And have faith that
God will protect you…”

“do not call me again
Until you have gotten rid of him
I don’t want to hear
Your whining
I don’t want to hear
Your complaints
You know what to do
I cannot take it any more
I am your best friend
But until you kick him out
My phone is on mute…”

“Cut
Print
That’s a
Wrap!
Hey did we get to
The part
Where
She
Said
“Fuck you”
To everyone
Jumped in the ocean
And landed
Ass up on the beach
Naked?”

she
Was soulfully naked
Stripped of colors
Mute of words
she had been the bad girl
In darkness
she screwed a few men
In silence
she fucked the pool boy
In corners
she masterbated
she tried to drown herself
Several times with shame
she tried to be a good girl
Good wife
Perfect daughter
Great sister
Best friend
she tried
And
Tried
And
Then
she broke the lock upon
Perfectionism
And began her experiment
she left the sofa pillows messed up one night
And smiled
Left a few dirty dishes in the sink til morning
Then put them in dishwasher unrinsed
Did not make the bed
Just rolled out and began her day
Did not take a shower for two days
And did not smell too bad
Went out of the house without makeup
And felt naked
Stopped going to church
And found her faith grew deeper
Stopped listening to the voices which she grew up with
Because they were poison
And
she walked into the ocean
Let herself float free
And washed in
Upon a crashing wave
Butt ass naked
Just her
The sun, sand, water
How peaceful
she looked up toward the sky
And down the vast empty beach
And said,
“Don’t look at me in that tone of voice world!”
Giggled
And realized
she had
Become
A
Ya Ya Sister
And true to the ending
Of this movie
When Sidda says to her daddy,
“Daddy, did you get loved enough?”
she will reply
With a full heart
And a free
spirit
“What’s enough?
My question is,
did you?”

 

 

Read More bad girl? at nautilus teachings

life’s journey at nautilus teachings

 

Rebirth
The journey
After life
Is a journey
Back to the womb
To the warm,
Stable
All encompassing
Environment from
Which we first started life
Inside our mother
Yet, can we truly return?
Given
We are not given a choice of parents
Of hometowns, lifestyles and religions
In which we are born
We are thrust into it all
Some into riches
Others to poverty
Each of us defined by the parameters
Which we fist scream out
“please don’t rip me from my protected shell”
Black
There is a time when our world is black
When the rising of the wave harshly contrasts
Against the soft silky melodies of our life
When the musical droplets of crystal blue
That warm, soothe and welcome one home
Is nothing more than the clanging symbols of remembrance
Change?
Painting is my drug of choice
It cools me when I am wrapped in anger
It warms me when I tremble with fear
And it soothes my very core with symphonic notes of tranquility
The buzzing feeling of laying new color to canvas
Takes my breath away and leads me on my quest to pull forth
Images conjured up as a child in my disco ball closet of colors
Born under the red wooden steps
I allow the cracked pieces to be melted together with each stroke of paint-
pass after pass of warmth
until once again I find myself covered
in the gauzy white glow of healing powers
Why would I want to change that?
Exist
I cannot exist in this world without my palette
On some days I still feel as if I am walking
Through someone else’s life
That my steps of timidity are a reflection
Of the cautious treading of my small feet
Through the tumultuous, raging midnight waters
Of my childhood
I see myself slowly moving alongside what I have
Come to know as my earthly being
I stand outside my self and peer inward…
A feeling of displacement surrounds me and
I am wrapped in questions
Why here?
Why me?
Did I choose the right slide
To slip down when my time
Came to be born?
Could I have taken a pass
And chosen a different journey?


Faces
Emerge along the arched hallways of memories
My chest rises and falls with each image
I am drowning in self pity, shame and low self worth
Demons float around me, golden hands wrap me
I am hurled backwards and fragments of “me” splatter
Against stark white canvases
Which now lie before me
Do I want them to change?
Is something different going to be better?
Would I still be an artist? Writer? Beachcomber?
This tremor causes a fault line to emerge
And I sit on the crumbling steps across from God
And ask one question
“am I a mistake?”
Corners
I first discovered the magic and beauty of corners when I was a young girl trying to escape the daily abuse from my brothers
I created my underwater world and my dreams took flight
I cried, sang, laughed and drew here
What if I did not find them?
What if My mother’s love was missing
What would my brush have been?
the images swimming within my head
Came to life here
Would they have disappeared?
Would I have needed them to survive?
My corners of my childhood
Have softened themselves into island coves
Each memory healed with release onto canvas
Is now a living, breathing, thriving pace
I know I can journey to any “cove” and find my way back home
Tied
I am tied to my coved memories
I no longer define my self as a lowly, worthless
Waste of human flesh,
I inhale the beauty of the sparkling champagne sun
And know love lies hidden amongst
the crackled colored leaves of my childhood
It thrives in the strong strokes and black edges
Which define my art
I no longer have to sit in the silence of the holy night
And wonder, “when will the healing begin?”
I can set sail any time I choose and
Allow the gentle hand of God to guide me through my storm
And into air and light
I stopped banging into walls and began to feel
For the very first time
And share the colors of my soul
Which I have carried so long within…
No
In changing my past, the connections, the journey’s
I hence would alter my future
This begs the question
would that be a bad thing?
I search my soul
I walk the sandy shore
I look to the sea
I twirl under Orion my guiding star
And smile
And for the first time
I love
Me!
My colors begin to multiply
I am unfurling
Right before my own eyes
Knowing that which I hold dear
That which has held me back
That which I have dreamed
And has encumbered me
Is all who I was meant to be
Mistake
I am not a mistake
I am a gift
It just took me a long time
To awaken
And breathe into my life
The love that was given to me
I came from the water
I am fed by the ebb and flow of the tide
And to the sea
I shall return
A beautiful dolphin
Dancing at waters edge
For generation to see…
No matter where I was born,
Raised, died
I am a child of color
With a soul that can sing
Anywhere she is placed…

 

 

Read More life’s journey at nautilus teachings

what’s in a name at nautilus teachings

what’s in a name at nautilus teachings

 

 

how many ways do people say your name?

sher-
my mother would echo my name
sheri berri
was my sun tanned summer name
sheri lynn
was what my Aunt called me
sarah
what my father wanted my name to be
gigglegigglegiggle
how my best friend said my name
harriet cooper
my brothers called me this
sheri
my mother would whisper to wake me
SHERI LYNN!!!
what my mother said when i was in trouble

isn’t sheri….
ever going to speak?
does she talk at all?
is something wrong with her?
why does she hide under the table?
is she sad?
Sheri Lynn Schultz
the name i was registered under
when i was admitted to the hospital
for the very first time
what happened to her?
how old is she?
does she have any allergies?
Schultz
5 year old child
trauma to head
“swallowed tongue”
convulsions
bruising
won’t speak
we are sending her home

sheriiiiiii 🙂
the magical way my water ballet instructor
sang out my name
“you will be a mermaid today”
or
“today you are a sea turtle”
“today you are bright colored fish”
shara schulty
the name i was introduced as
in my new school
by the dumb teacher
as i hung my head
in embarrassment
hair covering my face
schultzzzzzzz
“you are up next,
do as many sit ups as you can
followed by as many
push ups as you can…”
hahahahahahahahaha
what i heard as i did
3 sit ups
and
zero push ups
“when you wish upon a star”
all i heard in my head my whole life
i was going to work
for
disney
it said so in my yearbook
i was accepted to the
art institute
i had won numerous art awards
in High School
“you cannot make money with an art degree, Sheri…”
the words my father yelled
at me over and over
as i held in my hand documentation
that stated
I had what it took to enter the art institute
who do you think you are?
i will not pay for your education
if you pursue an art degree
you will go to the college i pick
and major in business
do you understand?
“ant” sheri
the size i felt
when told this
as the truth about my life
crawled over my entire being
i was never going to be
“a real live girl…”


Schultzy
the nickname given to me
on my first day of college
by a girl who became my
best friend-
italian beauty
“favs”
her smile made me feel warm
and
her big eyes
mesmerized me
ssscchhultzzzz
how my name sounded
as it rolled
off the tongue
of my football, sex God boyfriend
Peter Appleton
#16
great ass
crooked fingers
curly hair
soft smile
killer blue eyes
catholic
my first…
!shitsheri!
what my pastor said to me
before my fist wedding
when i told him
i just cannot do this
i did it anyway…
oh sher…
my mother’s words
when she was diagnosed with
6 months to live-
sigh
sad eyes
tears
hand squeezing
sigh
jesus sher
“your mother is not going to die…
she will get better
stop worrying…”
“are you crazy taking your mom for a walk”
“you killed her”
“get out, it’s your fault”
jesus sher
sheri, sweetheart
i’m so sorry about your mom
i loved your mom
your mom was so proud of you
your mom loved you
you look just like your mom
your mom will be missed
shaereee
flowed from my beautiful red haired
nephews tongue
i love you shaereee
can i stay with you
where are we going today shaeree
McDonalds? the zoo? the park?
shaeree, i love you sooooo much
…smile…
sheri pafford
the girl i became
so my mother would smile
and dream of white picket fences
grandchildren to spoil
and the tea we would sip
in the back yard
sheri ellison
my rebellion name
my thelma and louise
period of life
when i married a drug addicted
alcoholic
cross-dressing
beach bum bartender
and had two
beautiful girls with
slut, whore, cunt, bitch
slowly i was being erased
from what little life i had
i was not longer
“ant” sheri
i was the lice upon the ant
i was the bug upon the lice upon the ant
i was
dirt
no, i was the dust upon the dirt
‘just sheri’
how i introduced myself
to people i would meet
“hi, I’m Sheri”
sheri who?
“just Sheri”
you don’t have a last name
“not one i like…”
suspicious look
grin
and
then
o.k., just sheri it is


so, sheri
i set out to find
in my words
my colors
the blue calming Atlantic ocean
the baby butt soft sand beneath my feet
in my children’s smiles-
in my own cornered world,
i began to unfurl…
tiny scattered mosaic pieces of me
seeking to leave behind
the stench and filth of my life
handprint
how i began signing every painting
no first name
no initial
no last name
i was just
me
the
tiny
girl
whose
mother
once
held
so
tightly
in the palm
of her
hand
and
who’s
hands
mine
now
echoed
blondie, babe, babycakes
the names
i am called
by the man i love
the one who
i married
who i took a leap of faith upon
that there is love
in life
that happiness
does exist
that i am worthy
that i can breathe
without breaking
i can smile
without tears
i can give
without expectations
i can receive
and not feel guilt
i can paint
and be accepted
i can write
and feel release
i can be silent
and it’s just fine
i can just be
Me!
sheri
sheri lynn
sheri lynn stewart
sls
i
have
returned
to
the
initials
i
was
born
into
how
forboding
is
that?

 

 

Read More what’s in a name at nautilus teachings

LGBT-for bridget at nautilus teachings

LGBT-for bridget at nautilus teachings

 

 

i knew her then
i know her now
this is her story
she is my friend
forever

SHE WAS BORN

Brunette
Tiny
To a house
Of catholic men
A house
Where women
Did what they
Were told

SHE ESCAPED.

As a child
Running wild
And nude
Giggling
Teasing
Happy
To a world
Of wonder
And grace

A STORM HIT.

And she
Was shattered
Splattered
Innocence was lost
By him
And him
And never punished
By HIM
And the woman
Cried
For her small
Beautiful
Girl
As she rocked her
Gently to sleep

KAREN.

Was auburn haired
Freckled
Filled with sunlight
Smiles
And love
SHE was the girls heart
and best friend….
Hand in hand
Soul to soul
Kiss to kiss

INNOCENCE.

Was found
Once more
In the arms of the
6 year olds
Skin to skin
Lips to lips
Fingers entwined
Bodies as one
The two beauties
Flew wild and free
In their play
In their sleep
And in their love

GROWING.

The girls hair
turned soft mocha
Her lips filled out
And by 10
The boys wanted her
But all she wanted
Was
KAREN

she
Tried to like boys
Tried to touch
Tried to kiss
Over and over
But her eyes
Saw KAREN
Her heart
Beat out the name
KAREN
Her words whispered
KAREN
As she took her first
boy kiss
Held a boy hand
Looked into
Boy eyes
she cried
In the corner

MOVE.

How can they move
Her away from
KAREN
She was suffocating
Choking
Tears running
From eyes to cheek
Landing upon her
Sun tanned legs
As she
Turned to look out the
Back window of the car
Of her road
Of her house
Of her life
Of her first
Lost love…

this was the 60’s
a time of free love
a time
when being gay
was something
you were ashamed of
so this little girl
followed
the rules…
she was my best friend
i knew all her secrets
i held them all inside
because the world
hated her
for liking girls…

SARAH.

Long
Lean
Fair
Green eyes
13
First cigarette
First drink
Small boobs begin
Crush
Again
Lips
Kiss
Kiss with tongue
Lie nude
Play
Touch
Explore
Love

MOVE.

Not her but SARAH
Sad
Cling
Cry
Scream
Yell
Hate
Hurt
Break
Promise
Never
Never
Never

she turned 16
Boys
dating
trying to fit in
Yuk
Boys
Because
she was a girl
Boys
she wants
ANGIE
Funny
Brunette
Brown eyed
ANGIE
they
Called each other
boy nicknames
they
were one
In spirit
thought
dreams…
But
Boys?
they must conform
let boys
touch
In closets
Car seats
Dark rooms
boys
hurt her
boys take
boys demand.
sadness

COLLEGE.

Sex with a boy
Dreamy
Incredible
Soft
Love
DANIEL
Catholic
Strong
athletic
Love
maybe she was wrong…
Marriage?
No
she can’t

LAURIE.

Tall
Blonde
Irish
Smile
Sweet
Lips
Scent
she wants LAURIE
She is shy
Kind
Innocent
she turns
Away
Ashamed
lost…

MARK.

Marriage
wrong
affair
wrong
Empty
Lost
Searching
Child
Mom
Lost
Following
society
Rules

DEATH.

Of parents
Of life
Of rules
Of ties
Of her
Wandering
Searching
Looking
Leaving

DIVORCE.

Freedom
But
With
Attachment
Now
A child
Beautiful
Blonde
Thumb
Sucking
In need of
Dad

STEVE.

Crazy
Adorable
Exciting
Rebel
Rule breaker
Freckled
LIKE KAREN
Fair
LIKE SARAH
Brunette
LIKE ANGIE
Connection
Heart
Soul
Marriage
Rules
Society
Follow
Conform
Be
Do
Stay
Take
Pain
Take
Ugly
Words
Take
Abuse
Stay
Sad
Broken
Puzzles pieces
On the floor

PAM

Salt and pepper
Hair
Glasses
Soft tongue
Lips sweet
Eyes dark
Skin mocha
Rebirth
Society
Changing
Accepting
Stuck
Stuck
Stuck
Threats
Stay
Heart
Filled with holes
Head
Filled with questions
PAM
she does not tell her
Just flirts
She flirts back
she knows
She
Gets impatient
Leaves

CORNERED.

she stays
In the
Corner
Bumping
Grinding
Playing
With toys
her
SELF
Girl
Now
WOMAN
Alone
Playing
Alone
Longing
For
HER
Touch
HER SCENT
HER LOVE

DIVORCE.

Freedom
Once again
Alone
Sad
Abandoned
Directionless
Kids
Conform
Be
Do
Perfect
Yet long
For HER
No name
No face
Just
HER
Self
Satisfaction
Leaves
Her empty
Riddled
With guilt
Walking
Paths to
Nowhere

HIM

Rescued
By
Vagina man
Works
Feminine
Smart
Strong
Love
Love
Better
Healing
Normal
Fit
Molded

SCARED.
she turns
into
Her world once more
uses her imagination
remembers childhood
she cannot return
Thinks of
KAREN
SARAH
ANGIE
PAM
Gasping
For air
For life
For right
Why so wrong
Needing to follow
A path
She cannot
So she stays
Locked
Cornered
Bandaged
Unsure
Unknowing
Of true love
Heart connection
Of threaded souls
Perfection
Keeper of promises
Untrue to self
Afraid
slices wrists
depression
sadness
pain…

life passes her by
she
was
abnormal
until
the world
said
yes…
LGBT!
she
rebelled
left
kids
grown
husband
gone
she
began
living
no more lies…
Arrival
Spirit
Joy
Sweet
Soft
Touch
Love
Want
Cracking her lid
To let her soul in
Air
Breathe
Tremors
Scared
Unsure
Unknowing
Wanting
Needing
Scents

Soul
Open
Words
Free
Spirit
Yes
Connection
Understanding
Passion
Small
Beautiful

HER
Feeling 6
Again
World changed
Touch
Hair
Hand
Arm
Hug
Kiss
Brush
surrender
To dreams
To thoughts
To words

SHE
denied
dreaming
and then
dared
to be a daisy
in the hands
of life
peeling away
the petals
and revealing
what she always knew
she
loved
girls…

for B…

 

Read More LGBT-for bridget at nautilus teachings