“unreality” at nautilus teachings

“unreality” at nautilus teachings

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on may 25th
i will begin
the unfolding
the smoothing out
the mending
of what has been
29 years
of rolling out
and pounding down
my imagined
and much feared
“unreality”….
on my birthday,
i am gong to set my alarm
rising in time
to drive south
to watch the
sun burst forth
over the
beautiful
atlantic ocean
letting
the grace
light and love of God
fill me up
with the knowing
‘sher,
this is the beginning….’
it’s not the much
thought about untruth,
the horrific night terrors
waking me over and over
this is fresh, clean air
this is energy
this
is
truth…
i have spent the last
3 months
being poked
listened to
screened
x-rayed
and gone over
by 4 different
specialists
each one of them
coming up
with the same
words,
“sheri,
your numbers,
your vitals
your BMI
your lungs
heart
kidneys
liver….
are all perfect.
you are not
dying of cancer
of leukemia
and you have no
diseases…”
WHEW!!!
i still do have
one big test left
at the end of june
my dreaded
colonoscopy…
i am not anticipating
or expecting
anything bad
but this i know
for sure,
God has me.
He will never leave me.
no matter what.
end of story.
so why all
the hullaballoo?

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i
am
crazy!
lol…
i have been
obsessed
with
the fact
that i grew up
with my mom
always saying,
“i know i am going to die young…”
this was a bit freaky
and i never understood
or believed it,
but now
looking back,
knowing my grandmother died
at 55 as did my mom,
well…..
yeah,
you get it…
i have decided
this 54th year of life
is going to be one
of expression
of color
of sharing my life story
living each moment
to the fullest
laughing
filled with gratitude
love and family…
SCREECH!
wait!
stop!
guess what?
i have already been doing
all of the above
but i was looking backwards
instead of forward…
eyes wide open
hands palm side up
arms out stretched
barefooted
i walk into mother ocean
feel her healing
calm embrace
and float
buoyantly
as the sun greets
a new day
and welcomes me
into the beginning
of the second
half of my life…

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she and him at nautilus teachings

she and him at nautilus teachings

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i am not sure
if there really was
any time,
in the beginning
of us,
that you read every word
i shared from my heart
or a time when you
asked me
how i was feeling
what was i thinking
what did i dream of
and i guess i figured
you just knew…
i think i just thought
‘well, if he’s crazy to
take a chance on me
then i will meet his crazy…’
somehow we just worked
it all fit together
like a hand molded
piece of furniture…
he was the legs
supporting us
and i was the smooth
finish
always keeping
the surface clean,
calm and silky…
we each had a drawer
mine was overflowing
with sentences…
‘what if…
what do you think…
hey, read this…
look i found this…’
there were so many
they were crinkled up
and would pop out
once you pulled
the sliding drawer open…
his was nearly empty
a stray,
‘lubu
tyl
and emoticons
of every kind’…
she was the grains
the circles in the trunk
showing age lines
and he was the structure
which housed her..

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sometimes one of her branches
would fall to the ground
and he would not notice
and when her leaves
changed colors
as they often did
he just looked the other way…
the beginning had turned into
the comfortable middle
and at times
her surface would show
white ring stains
from the wet glasses
which held her tears
that he left sitting there
because
she was being silly
or too much a chick
and he had no time for that…
she had become
for the most part
one of his ‘them’
he was too tired
in to much pain
exhausted
and already knew
everything she was
going to say
so he ignored her
writings
criticized her colors
and went on happily
knowing she
would never separate from him
because together
they were a beautiful
hand crafted
vintage bureau
and honestly
they truly loved one another…
so she lived within her world
began silencing her words
and decided
to only give him
what he asked for
and never
any more than that…
she would save the rest
for the whole world
to see
and hope some day
he would slow
and become curious
as to who the rest
of him
really was…

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i believe…….at nautilus teachings

i believe…….at nautilus teachings

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i believe i was born
an artist and writer
i believe blue
heals my soul
i believe
in God
i believe
in living my truths
in not ever
bowing down
to any one person
who decides
they want to judge me
criticize me
beat me up with words
i believe
through my faith
i am strong
i can bend
and weather any storm
knowing
i am buoyed by His love
i believe in expression-
written
sung, painted
carved, spoken,
danced…
i believe we each know
in our souls
what we were meant to do
and i believe
with love and support
we can achieve anything
we set our minds to…
i believe you find happiness
in smiles, hugs, love,
conversations
eye glances
in giving
without expectation
of anything in return
i believe in hand holding
and home cooking
in loving the one you are with

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i believe listening
reveals so many truths
and that in stillness
your faith will bloom…
i believe in being
an original
in learning from
the young and the old
i believe
we need to be alone
in order to accept and
balance ourselves
i believe in forgiveness
in releasing relationships
which hurt us
even if we are
connected by blood…
i believe people change
for the better
and the worse…
i believe
some souls
are born broken
and that by letting
in the healing light
of faith
they too
can become whole…
i believe in
never growing up
in play
in throwing paint
in swinging on swings
riding merry go rounds
and eating ice cream
from the container…
i believe in hot coffee
cold titos
and that dogs
can heal anything …
i believe in the top down
loud music
wind in your hair
and crying
while driving…
i believe a sunrise
proves miracles exist
and that the tide
kissing the shore
will always leave you giggling
running
and playing like a child…
i believe in warm showers
clean jammies
soft sweatshirts
and candle light…
i believe in sharing
with everyone
all i feel,
know
love
believe in
and create…
i believe
i am a child of God.
He never
gives up on me
he just loves me
forgives me
and cradles me
in the palm of His hand
assuring me
i am here for a reason
i believe one day
i will journey home
and live eternally…`

what do you believe?

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in between dreams at nautilus teachings

in between dreams at nautilus teachings

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i am in between
deep sleep
and slow waking
the sheets are soft
the fan blows
caressing my
body with cool air
i can feel rest
i see my night dreams
slowly fading
“wait! i want tomatoes…
and where is the…”
i had been dreaming
about grocery shopping
and their was no
produce within sight…
strange dream, yes,
but salad is one of
the few things i can
still eat and not
hive out!
so i am here
alone
free
arms
beginning to
stretch
i extend my legs
curve my back
and begin the
unwinding of night
i love this time
before i open my eyes
i can feel the light
whispering ‘wake up, sheri…’
but i resist
i hold on to that
lovely embrace
of solitude…
and then
WHAM!
an arm come across
my middle
almost making me
wet the bed
and i hear
very loudly
“spoon with me…
i can’t sleep…”
i snuggle in close
d’s grasp gets tighter
as i hear him begin to snore…

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each time i try to raise
his arm and slip out
his hold resists
then the freak in me
comes out
i begin to panic
and memories of
being held against my will
flood me
i gasp for air
my heart beats rapidly
panic attack is on the way
when i remember
i am safe
loved
and home…
eventually he lets go
and i slide out of bed
grab the dogs
and begin my morning routine
but i long to crawl back
into the softness of my
nights journey
and stay a while longer…
i love to sleep-
end of story!
i am one of those people
who can think about
what i want to dream about
and do it.
i can wake up from a dream
and go right back to it
i can even pick up a dream
from the night before…
i don’t keep a dream journal
because i know
almost all my dreams
by heart
they all have familiar themes
and only on the rare
occasion to i have
a totally new dream
which is why each night
it’s like returning home
to a safe place
only i have the key to…
i think it is my way
of dealing with the world
with hurt
shame
sadness
unworthiness…

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i get to fly,
to laugh
to be happy
and loved
unconditionally
without any words…
doc calls my morning
wakening
twilight sleep
i can hear what’s going on
around me and
continue dreaming-
i am caught between worlds…
d says i am like a
‘sleep goddess’
this makes me think
of snow white
asleep in her glass casket
with all her animal friends
around her
the butterflies hovering
birds chirping
when all of a sudden from
her deep sleep
WHAM!
she is kissed by her prince
and wakes up…
there is a moral to
most good stories
i think about the correlation
between my life
and the disney fairytales…
i have my two boys
dancing around me
wagging their tales
i live in a cute
little house
and my knight in
shinning armor
is more like
superman…
pretty darn good life
i have been given,
thank you, God…

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striving for the middle at nautilus teachings

striving for the middle at nautilus teachings

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“when you get there
ask to go to the middle…”
words from an elderly man
at 4N to my hubby
about 7 years ago
as he was helping this
man get into his car…
since he has heard these words
they come up in conversation
and i think of them
each time i am striving
for the impossible-
PERFECTION!
for nearly 11 weeks
d has been rehabbing his foot
and for the same
amount of time
i have been running
myself ragged,
stressing about
‘what does he need me to do,
oh my gosh i forgot to…’
and then i stop
and think about
‘the middle’…
this man was talking
about heaven…
you see he was
wheelchair bound
and his lovely wife
was struggling to get
him in the car…
“i just wanted to see
the ocean one more time
before i get there,”
he shared with d…
he did not look as if
he were dying,
but evidently he knew…
in fact we all are dying
a little more each day
and every morning
when i open my eyes
i greet the dawn with
“good morning God,
thank you for waking me…”
then i begin to strive
for the middle.
i know i cannot get
everything done on
my ‘to do’
and on d’s ‘to do ‘ list
which for these past few
and future weeks
has been merged into
one ginormous
“sheri list”
i was rising at 5am
every day to work out
and begin the tasks…
by 8:30pm i was falling
into a fitful sleep
til 2am
then every 30 minutes
would wake up,
check the time
and think,
‘i have 30, 60, 90 more minutes…’
and fall back in to dreams…

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needless to say
over the past week i crashed hard…
my body rebelled
and i began sleeping till 7
prioritizing my list
doing each task slow
treating it like a wednesday morning-
my morning i lay in bed
after getting d out the door
have my coffee and write…
i am not a middle child
i am the baby
so being in
and striving for
the middle
has been a challenge…
then i think about heaven
do i want to be in
“the middle?”
not really.
what i want
is to be the one
on the sidelines-
you can thank my
introvert side for that…
i want to be watching
movement
space
color
then what i really want
is for God
to assign me to be
one of the minions
who gets to paint
the sunrise
the sunset
the rainbows
in this world…
i want to be be the breeze
blowing your hair
the soft blanket
wrapping you in comfort
and maybe even
the one who greets you
when you come home
with my tail wagging!!!
the middle…
i love this.
i love what these few words
did for my Einstein hubby
they slowed him down…
whenever i see him
winding up
stressing out
worried over
mom or his patients
i just smile
and simply say,
“baby, stop…
strive for the middle…”
this makes him take a breath
and remember
the man
at 4N
a gentle soul
filled with such
simple words
of wisdom…

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young love at nautilus teachings

young love at nautilus teachings

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she did not know
this day was coming…
the day he would
gaze into her eyes
and say,
“we have to break up,
your life is taking you…”
she was stunned
thrown against
the jagged rocks
like a crashing wave
she never saw this coming
they loved each other
she had their initials
tattooed upon her ankle
what happened to their
whispered plans
of creating a business
and life together…
so what if they would be
bi-coastal for a few years,
if it really was love-
and she knew it was-
it would work
they would make it work…
but for now all she heard
was the two words
‘break up…’
her sobs grew louder
she could not speak
she was rolled into a tight ball
upon her soft comforter,
the one they made love on
laughed on
planned their future on…
he had packed up all
his belongings
opened the door
and walked out with his
head hanging down
as she stood
in disbelief,
he slowly walked
down the block
hopped into his car
and drove away…
how could he leave?
their love was so young,
pure and real…
she turned, noticed
his favorite shirt
crumpled upon the bed,
she picked it up
and took in his scent,
then she grabbed her scissors
and cut a thin long strand
of his shirt
and tied it around her neck…
from now on she would
carry him with her
wherever she went
until the day he returned…
this she held on to
this she believed
this her heart yearned for…

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she placed the remaining fabric
in a large ziplock bag
to seal him inside
knowing when the ‘hug’
of his shirt around her neck
began to loose scent
she could cut off another
piece and quickly
memories
of their shared love
time spent laughing
of him being hers
would return
flooding her with
the belief
soon
he
would
be
home…
for now she would endure
letting their daily
phone conversations
envelope her
filling the cracks
he left
upon her soul…
they were still friends-
he
still
held
her
heart…
so on this sunny, summer day,
she decided to step out
letting her faith
buoy her
and take the chance.
she dialed his number
soon his voice crooned out
“hello love, what’s up?”
she stammered at first
and then very softly said,
“i am in love with you
i want to try and make
this work…
i know you think it’s impossible
but what if for the next two years
while you are there,
and i am here
we take turns flying
for a long weekend each month
we make the commitment
to us?”
he was silent.
she knew he was thinking…
“i love you too,” he replied.
“do you really think we can do it?”
she tilted her head back
as her long hair
cascaded down upon her back
and let out a tiny giggle…
“i don’t think,
i know
that we must not give up
we must try…”
her hand was gently
stroking the piece
of him she wore upon her neck
as she waited for him to speak…
“well, sweetheart,
if you believe in us
and i believe in us
and we both love each other
nothing can stop us…
let’s do it.
let’s begin…”
tiny tears of happiness
cascaded down her cheek
a healing, warm balm
over flowed the
broken pieces
of her soul
as she clicked on
her laptop
and booked her first flight
back into the arms
of the man
she knew
she was meant
to love…

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dancing with God at nautilus teachings

dancing with God at nautilus teachings

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last night
i was dancing with God…
his hands held mine
as he twirled me
round and round
i remember smiling
closing my eyes
letting myself soak
up all His warm
grace, love and light…
it was a lovely
beautiful dream
and as i cracked open
my eyes
d is laying on his side
next to me
with a big grin
on his face…
i immediately smile
giggle
and say,
“are you watching me?”
his reply,
“yes! i want to know how
to sleep like that,
i slept like crap!”
i am a champion sleeper
i prefer 10 hours a night
12 if I can get them!
d sleeps on and off
for maybe 4 hours…
i began my day
by getting him off to work
and then,
WHAM!
mother’s day weekend
hit me like a tsunami…

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fear took over
and i thought,
‘what if one day
i woke up to voices
in my head telling me
sheri, this is your last day…’
yes, i know
you may think i am
certifiably crazy
and, yes, i will agree…
but remember
by 54 my mother
and grandmother both
were in their last days
of fighting cancer…
i don’t want my time
to be cut short
i don’t want to say
goodbyes…
but i have this stupid
sore in my mouth
which logically i know
is my allergic reaction
to something i ate
because it happens all the time,
but i am going,
‘omg! what if it’s mouth cancer…”
and i have my pre-op
visit this week for my
ICK! UGH!
colonoscopy…
‘i can’t have colon cancer,
i am fine…’
my brain is scrambled eggs
at this moment
my chest begins to hurt
but i keep pushing on…
‘sheri, you are imagining all of this,
you’ve got to stop…’

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i breath in the gorgeous breeze
caressing our back live oak trees
tilt my face to the sun
and begin to twirl…
i am back in the hands of God
smiling,
feeling like a child
knowing i am safe
healthy and strong…
the boys come bouncing out
after a squirrel,
i open my eyes
see a dolphin and baby
cruise by in the river
and think
i am crazy,
but i am blessed…
walking into the house
i hear Taylor Swift crooning out
“and i had the best day,
with you,
today…”
i stop
let the tears fall down my cheeks
whisper, “mommy, i miss and love you…”

i begin to twirl once more with God…

my life is in His hands and i trust Him…

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a letter to my mom at nautilus teachings

a letter to my mom at nautilus teachings

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sometimes i feel
as if i have
failed my mother…
her one wish was
to have her whole
family close,
celebrating birthdays
holidays, anniversaries…
she was the keeper
of our family
she was the
surrender flag
waving behind
all our heads
she never gave up
on any of us
she took the verbal
lashings from my brothers
forgave and loved them
she never let us down
she was open and honest
rooted in her truths…
when she died
my father expected me
to become the matriarch
of the family…
i was supposed to
“keep us all together.”
i could not
i did not know how
and i would no longer
do what my father demanded
it’s when i began-
at the age of 25-
my rebellion
against them all…
how could i look at
them all
knowing how they
had hurt me
my entire life…
i was a joke to them
their target
and i was too weak
i had nothing
they held all the power,
but my father expected me
to just put my arms
around them
and forgive them.
this was my mother’s job.
not mine.
i was not their mother…
now 29 years later
i have no sibling relationships
and a surface one with my father.

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dear mom,
i am so sorry mom.
i tried to follow
all your rules.
i wanted to be
the good daughter,
i really did…
i could not.
i kept hearing
their ugly words,
feeling their power
over me
and mom,
i did not know
how to stand on my own…
i messed up my life
i hurt my children
by staying in a bad relationship
and i am
so so so
sorry…
i love you and miss you mom.
i have been lost for so long
and even though i know
you would forgive me
and know you could make
this all better,
i am giving it up to God…
all my failures as your daughter
and their sister in my life.
oh mom,
all i can do is live my truths
and be who i was meant to be…
it is not the peacekeeper of your family
i don’t accept my fathers words as truth
nor my brothers ignoring me
and looking down upon me
for who i am…
i am strong
creative,
kind and loving…
oh, mom
i am everything
you taught me to be
in my own beautiful way.
and as your daughter
i stand before you now
in my aging body
with my healing soul
and aching heart
knowing
through my faith
i am forgiven and loved…
mom
you cannot hear my voice
nor hold me close
and as mother’s day approaches
this year
i begin to crack wide open
just i do every other year
for the loss of your life,
to me,
is the deepest scar i carry.
i loved you.
i loved being with you.
so many memories
my favorite always
being with you
top down, wind in our hair
music playing and us
smiling, together
mother and daughter -forever…
my failures as your daughter
turned into my strengths
as a woman…
i have found courage
i have found my voice
i know my path in life
i live my passion
i broke away, mom,
from all the pain
of 42 years
and i know if
you were standing
beside me today
you would tell me,
as you did over
and over in my
25 years with you
“oh, sher, i am so proud of you
and i love you…
my only wish was that
you had more fun
in your life,
you need to laugh…”
hey mom,
guess what?
i’m doing it all…
i love and miss you
happy mother’s day

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sher

the one who got away at nautilus teachings

the one who got away at nautilus teachings

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she was the one that got away
the one that folded back
up inside herself
leaving behind
every belonging
including my heart…
i was the one that got to stay
opening up old memories
finding papers
and letters
handwritten
with words i would never hear
she was the one that got away
from the pain and madness
of what life can bring
leaving behind
an emptiness
i could never fill…
i was the one that got to stay
with a broken heart
in a world i did not belong
knowing i would
live my life
like an unfinished song…
she was the one that got away
her laundry still
crinkled in the hamper
jewelry upon her dresser
even her wedding ring
was left-stranded…
i was the one that got to stay
stealing pieces of a life
unfinished
from a man
who stared blankly
into the depths of failure
she was the one that got away
her last book
binding cracked
still open to page 175
glasses perched upon
the words “this was the day…”
i was the one that got to stay
writing upon paper
painting upon canvas
sharing the words and images
i held captive
keeping life at bay…
she was the one that got away
no more slipping upon
ice covered steps
weeding the garden
cooking meals to eat
or toilets to scrub…
i was the one that got to stay
tumbling down
the red wooden steps
each time my strength
and my voice
was taken away
she was the one that got away
leaving him all alone
rattling around the big
empty house
still smelling
of her perfume…
i was the one that got to stay
rebelling against
a life
i never got to choose
by falling into
an abyss of lies…
she was the one that got away
no more job
no bills to pay
free from responsibility
hands now finding stillness
feet without shoes

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i was the one that got to stay
finally finding
air to breathe
buoyant in my faith
rooted in my truths
i began to speak…
she was the one that got away
floated down the stream
upon her tiny boat
wind in her hair
smile upon her face
she was free…
i was the one that got to stay
fighting every day
the demons of my
unsettled consciousness
until one by one
they landed upon acceptance
she was the one who got away
who faded
like your favorite
pair of blue jeans
becoming softer
with each passing year
i was the one that got to stay
unfolding myself
unlocking the cage
taking flight
into the rest
of my unfinished life
she was the one who got away
who now floats upon the breeze
that kisses your skin
and who gazes at you
from old photographs-
the ones you packed away
i was the one that got to stay
a girl without her mother
never understanding
why you were taken or
why a daughter was left alone
to walk this life without a home…
she was the one that got away
the lord took her
from me
so many years ago
leaving an unpaintable canvas
filled with many holes…
i was the one that got to stay
stitching up the gaps
with golden threads
of memory
finally able to paint
the stories of her soul…

eyes

on sale for mothers day at nautilus teachings

on sale for mothers day at nautilus teachings

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it’s everywhere…
emails
signs
store windows
ads
“last chance…”
“only one more week…”
“just in time for…”
“save 30% site wide sale…”
“creative thoughtful gifts…”
“beautify her backyard…”
“for the, ‘oh, i love it’ response…”
i have not even opened the sunday paper
and i am sure i will be bombarded with more.
mothers are being celebrated
all over the world next sunday.
this week,
there will be children
making cards in school
cards and flowers
will pop up for sale
in places you don’t
normally see them
picnics and dinners will be planned
the mailman’s bag gets
a tiny bit heavier
and on this sunday,
phones will be buzzing.
for one day moms
will be pampered
extra hugs and kisses given
meals cooked for her
maybe a back or foot massage
the world will light up
with love…

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mother’s day is a beautiful day.

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even kids who may be upset
with their mom
will pick up the phone,
because on this day
for a small moment
a 3 minute conversation
can coat any wound with
a calm, warm, soothing balm
it’s called L-O-V-E…
mother’s forgive easily
they can honestly say
“been there, done that!”
they get what you are going through
even if you think there is no way possible
for them to relate,
they do…
trust your mom.
we love to hear your voice say
“hey mom, Happy Mother’s Day,
I love you…”
that’s it.
we don’t need long drawn out
anything!
we all know the feeling
of seeing our kids
beautiful smiles
as they greet us
on mothers day…
they are so filled with
unconditional love
and happiness at that
moment
that we must
pause
soak it all up
pause
smile
pause
grab them and hug them tight
make THEM let go first
you have earned the right
to hold on endlessly…

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call your mom
hug your mom
love your mom…
mom’s may be imperfect
mom’s may not have done
things your way
mom’s may not agree with
your choices
but mom’s
LOVE YOU…
i open up the sunday paper
“make her sparkle this mother’s day…”
i close my eyes
for a moment-
i am back
in my mother’s convertible
sun shining so brightly
i can almost see the
individual rays
bouncing off of my
mother’s smile…
she has on her sunglasses
a scarf tied around her hair
we are on one of
our journeys…
she grabs my hand
and we both let out a
tiny giggle
“well, sher…here we go…”

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